Waiting for my endless summer...: July 2005

Saturday, July 30, 2005

weekend off???

First let me say that I AM NOT COMPLAINING, I am just pointing a few things out...

Friday was (supposed) to be my first day back to the bliss that is yoga. That was sort of side tracked when a good friend invited me out to happy hour in town. Being one to never turn down an invite to spend time in one of my most favorite places, I agreed. It was way fun and when I get a sec if I think of it I'll share more. Just know there was much wine consumed (~1 bottle all by myself) and a very cute waiter involved...

Today, instead of lazing around the house cleaning and such, I went to work (voluntarily no less) for a few hours. After I had been there more than long enough I headed over to the shore and spent the day bumming around Easton with my sister and 2 angel nieces.

I ran home and got here just about quarter after 5. I let the dogs out, fixed dinner, fed the dogs and then let them out again. It was now quarter to 6 and I thought Ar said she was working until 6, so I called to make sure. Jeannine confirmed and I spent the next 15 minutes making some sort of sense out of the mess that is my house... Oh wait, let me back up.

I went to coffee with Arleigh on Thursday (and who knew that B&N was such a happening spot anyway?) and she told me I needed to go to this party in DC for someone she randomly knows who is turning 30. Ok, sure, why not? I miss DC.

Ok, so now you know why I'm going crazy. They will be picking me up, I thought, around 645 at the latest. Shit. I still need to shower. So I am in the process of faux cleaning a little when 15 minutes later Arleigh calls. Turns out she also needs to shower, plus they're going out for dinner...

Perfect. I have a minute to sit and be lazy. What do I do? Get online and tell y'all all about it of course, duh! And now that I've wasted enough time I'm off to the shower. Tomorrow is something. I don't remember what but at some point I think I may end up at the Red Eye Dock Bar on the eastern shore, which from what I hear can be quite an adventure...

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Last Night

It was so oppressively hot there was an Excessive Heat Warning. Not just a regular heat warning, but an EXCESSIVE one. As I was preparing to go out - you know, thinking about doing something to my hair then deciding no, reapplying the deodorant (because I don't like to even run the risk that I might possibly smell) and so forth - the storm hit hard.

The power went out, the rain came down in sheets, and the lightning was so close you could feel it in your teeth. When I let Cam out I could hear cracking and breaking in the trees as they whipped around like blades of grass. I actually stood on the stoop wondering if any were tall enough to hit my house when they fell. Not if, but when.

I thought about bailing out, because really I don't think it was safe to drive in that. The fact that I passed countless branches in the road, along with a tree or two confirmed my thought; but on the other hand for better or worse I needed to get this whole thing over with so I decided to suck it up and go.

My opinion prior to should have been enough to tell me the resulting feeling I would have from the evening, but I at the same time I had committed to going and I don't like to back out of a commitment. I'm just not one of those kind of people if I can help it.

So yes, the second vibe was way more right than the first and no I am not planning to see said random guy again. It wasn't that I had a bad time, just not feeling anything in terms of interest in even getting to know him. I guess because I don't have all that much time I don't want to waste it on someone who seems so completely disinteresting. The problem I find myself in is at the end of the night when he asked if we could do it again I said sure. Oops. I don't know why. I guess it's just when someone asks me in person I have a very difficult time saying no. The parting was every bit as awkward as you can imagine. I don't know if he was thinking kiss or not but I didn't care. I was so non-interested I didn't even want to hug him as I left, but decided that would be wrong. I mean what, was I just supposed to shake hands, say thanks and see ya? I don't know, I just couldn't do that.

Anyway, so I don't know what I'm going to do. Probably be the typical busy as hell Ali and let things go on like that. As much as I may complain about my lifestyle I have built it for a reason and this is certainly a good one...

Oh, and I still have no power as far as I can tell. This means that yes, I did wake myself up somehow sans alarm clock and yes, I did go to work without showering (hello? there was ZERO reason for a cold shower and they are so not fun).

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Apparently there is a reason I like Kill Bill so much...

Job Predictor

The name I go by - Ali L. - Trained Assassin
The name I sign my checks with - Alison L. - freeway light inspector
My given name - Alison Bonita L. - ideal job is In a land far, far away (what the f***??)
Random variation - Ali Bonita L. - Animal Therapist
My baptismal name - Alison Bonita Catherine L. - princess

Thanks Jeannie, I enjoyed the early morning play...

Oh, and for those of you who were wondering, no coffee last night. I called someone when I got home from lacrosse but she did not answer. Now who's avoiding whom, huh? Huh?

Ok, so I'm teasing but I was looking forward to it - maybe Thursday???

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Exhausted

Oh my goodness, can it be true? There are 2 WHOLE WEEKS IN A ROW that everyone has contributed to story time? Really? I almost can't stand the thought...

Ok, I'm good now.

As you know I have been working a lot the past few weeks. Both scheduling and working lacrosse. First it was the 4 day, ~110 referee tournament in MD, then the 2 day ~60 referee one in PA. I am beat; physically, mentally and emotionally. Plus, on top of it all, I get to have my happy time of the month. (Now don't get me wrong, I am glad it's here because "sex" = "possibly pregnant" no matter how "safe" you are, and it hasn't been that long... so it is a good thing. But now that I'm certain, it can go.) Plus Cammi was gone and apparently I expect her to be at my house so when she's not I don't sleep as well.

All that being said, I got the first good night of sleep in the past week or two last night. I almost didn't get out of bed this morning I felt so good. I am still tired, but no where near as much.

Tonight I am (supposed) to go for coffee with Arleigh once I get back from lacrosse. Luckily this is the last week for the Tuesday night league because I am so tired of it I could spit. (How fun is that expression, btw?)

I am excited because I am going out Friday for happy hour. My girlfriend at work invited me and we're going downtown to meet up with a few of her friends that I've met before. We most likely won't be out all that late, and I am sadly going to have to miss yoga, but I think it'll be fun and I know it'll be good for me to get out of the house and into town. Now I just have to remember not to lock my keys in the car and I'll be all good...

Um, I'm trying to think of anything good that's been going on that I can think of to share with you... um... well... let me see...

Yeah, a whole bunch of nothing.

Work, lacrosse, working on lacrosse, rinse & repeat.

A few more weekends and the summer lacrosse season will be officially over and I (hope at least) will have more exciting things to share... I did reschedule the date from the other night for tomorrow so that's something. We've chatted on the phone and I am starting to think that he may not be as boring as my second impression led me to believe. I don't know. We'll just have to see. The good thing is that he is older than I am and he owns property, so he completely understood about the water is bad thing and actually offered a few helpful ideas of how to deal with it.

Whatever. I'll talk to you more later on Internet, as for now I'm on my way home, hope everyone out there is doing well...

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Domestic Drama

Had to call the date off, so now I have no idea what I'm going to do for dinner and even worse, MY BASEMENT IS FLOODED.

Well, maybe just my laundry room, but that's bad enough. I think I have founf the source of the water (Mr Air Conditioner) but I'm not sure why it's leaking, and I'm a touch afraid to go removing too many panels for fear of completely ruining the thing and voiding my warranty (luckily I got this unit put in new when I bought the house so it's my warranty and so forth).

I am currently taking a break because I'm soaked, sweating my ass off, and smell like wet basement rug which is not the most attractive smell...

Ok, back to work.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Ok, so maybe not sooo RED

My hair, that is. It's done. I can not be un-done. Wow. This is actually a little scary. I waiver between "Oh My God, I really like it" to "what crack was I smoking when I decided to do this"???

I'm going to get Ar (or someone, but probably Ar 'cause she's good and shit) to help me get a picture online so you all can see just what it is that I have done. WOW. That's really all I can say.

There are highlights (read: very blonde streaks that are a color that prior to had only ever appeared on the ENDS of my hair) and lowlights (read: read streaks). It makes for an interesting mix, to say the least. I refuse to make a decision about my opinion about it yet for a few reasons...

this is the first time I've done this, of course I am going to second, then third and fourth guess myself
I haven't "done" it yet, and you know that makes a huge difference
I'm concerned that, on some level, I may not like the decision and the only way to fix it would be to chop it all off and I know I would not like that plan

Ok, so I am done. I don't know how posty I'll be able to be this week. It's not for a lack of wanting to post, it's just for an excessive number of outside commitments. (Did I mention that I met another someone - randomly - and I have a date tomorrow? I don't have very high hopes as he seems a bit dull but whatever, I can at least see how he reacts to the hair... and there was initially something so I don't want the second reaction to completely negate the first...)

Plus I have a dentist appointment (oops, almost forgot, glad they called) and have SOOOOO much work to do before I leave this weekend I can't stand it... between lacrosse and my "real" job I don't know how I'm going to find time to breathe, let alone sleep...

Then there is the whole, we still haven't gotten the final schedule for this weekend so we have been unable to work on it. And Tuesday is already over. But I really don't want to think about the implications of that so I'll move on...

Oh, the X. Well, we "chatted" today via e-mail. I didn't tell him what was wrong (because I'm not quite sure myself to be completely honest) but I did tell him I wasn't in the most happy and positive places. He understands that means I don't want to talk, but he did offer that if I did want to he would be there. He has (apparently) gained himself a new scar or two from being over there, but is at least back in the (relatively) safe Sicily (because I mean come on, if the US and London aren't safe where is???).

Sometimes I wonder why it is that I do this to myself.

(And seriously, how more depressed and sad can I sound? If I don't cut it out soon no one will read this anymore...)

And I MISS MY DOG

Ok, I'm done. Good night, love you all...

...

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?

Monday, July 18, 2005

bad thoughts...

So I randomly received a message from my X, you know, the X. Apparently he is still alive which is a good thing (I guess - I mean, I don't wish anyone harm and I still care about him and all but I don't know, part of me thinks my life would be easier if either he or I weren't around - and me not being around is a bad topic to discuss and really wouldn't make my life any better, if you know what I mean, so that's where I was going with that).

Anyway. So like I was saying, he is alive and kicking.

And right now I am not in a good place. I have a difficult time with the trust thing, as I know you know (if not, please see any random sampling of my previous posts and you'll get to read about it - I am apparently not all that shy). Something happened this weekend. It was not good. I am not doing well, but I am doing as much as I can to work on making it and me better. I don't know when/if it'll happen but I am trying, ok?

He wrote to basically be in touch, that was it. (At least, that was his pretext, as for the true intent I don't know for sure.) I wrote back, acknowledging he was alive (I thought), and he asked very pointedly what was wrong. Am I that transparent? It was seriously three sentences, that's it. I didn't think I was revealing anything, good or bad.

The bad thoughts have been non-stop since his response - I am tempted as if by the devil himself - to open up and tell him what is going on, and let him (my X, not the devil) be part of me getting myself back to a place where it is all better. Or at least acceptable. Because I mean come on, who are we kidding? All better? I don't know if I believe that it is even possible anymore...

Why does it always seem that his timing is just so???

the baby's room

So my first niece is going to be 2 in November. Before she was born my sister had this idea to do something creative with her room. We (my Mom, sister and I) talked about it and these are some of the pictures of what resulted. I hand drew all the characters from different things we found in books and online, and they helped me paint some...

Alive

I am here. I am alive. I am home.

A LOT went on this weekend and I will do my best to get into it with you all... later. Right now I'm exhausted and just woke up from a nap. I am going to my Mom's to - can you guess??? If you said to yourself "work on (yet another) a lacrosse tournament" you would be correct. That is unless we didn't get the schedule yet - then we will be harassing she who is organizing this tournament to get it to us ASAP.

Then we may go shopping.

Right now just know that I am tired, my tan lines are probably going to become permanent, and I really miss my dog.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Scorpio

Also, Scorpio falls hard, emotionally involving themselves almost to the point of no return...

Good to remember.

Extremely good to maintain emotional distance, for a good couple of weeks at the very least...

quote

"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
~ Lao Tzu

therapy

Have I told you how helpful I have found this site? It really seems to help me a lot and I am very glad for it. I have decided that no matter how difficult it is to read my long ass, rambling posts they are good for me so I am going to keep going with them.

I'm sure you've noticed that I am not a writer. There is no form or structure to what I put here and if anything it's somewhat stream of consciousness, which is a very good thing. By doing that I am not censoring myself and whatever it is that needs to be worked out can and that is a fantastic thing. There is something about it being "public" that forces me to be honest, both with the world and with myself. That is the best thing...

I am exhausted today. I am also only going to be here until lunch time, then I'm out of here until sometime next week. I've taken off until next Wednesday, but I'll probably roll in sometime Monday or Tuesday, I don't know. We'll see how I feel after the weekend.

All Star Express is all scheduled, and as of right now all the changes we were told about have been made. Changes you ask? Yes, you know, like the people who say 'oh, I thought by the tournament runs 8am-8pm you really meant I wouldn't start until noon so can you fix that?' or the 'I replied to the e-mail in JANUARY that I was interested and thought that was enough, you mean you didn't put me on the schedule because I didn't respond to any of the other e-mails you sent?' and other such idiotic things like that.

Now we get to work on next weekend's tournament, The Galaxy Championships. It's a 2 day tournament with ~9 fields running from ?-?. I know, it's going to be fun to work on with all that information, right???

Anyway, so I am going to be good and get to work. I'll try to get on over the next few days so you don't miss me too much.

Less than a week to new hair!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Windshield

Before you stress, CAMMI IS OK.

Now, for a brief re-cap of the events resulting in my needing a new windshield...

So Friday I worked for a while, then went home and worked some more. At 630 I went to my very wonderful yoga class and after went home for a relaxing evening to myself. It was lovely. I had a glass of wine and watched My Big, Fat Greek Wedding which is so adorable and realistic. The more I get to know some of my Greek friends, the more real I discover it is... but I digress.

Saturday morning I had the alarm set and got up a little after 6 and went to work on the schedule. Left there around 830am to take Cam to the vet for a few of her regular vaccines. Actually, it was more than a few but she was a trooper. On the way there I noticed an accident on the E/B side of 50 and made a little mental note to take the Academy bridge home. No problem.

Well, the vet took a bit longer than expected because of the previously mentioned million and one shots she got. While I was there I overheard some people talking about the traffic - according to one person both sides of 50 were shut down, and the Academy bridge had the entire city sitting like a parking lot.

Oh so not good.

Eventually we left and if I were alone I would have probably just gone shopping to wait it out. Since I had Cam I needed to do something. I decided to take 97 north and come through Severna Park. Great, no problem. Except I am so unfamiliar with that route it's embarrassing. And I needed gas.

I took the wrong exit and had to figure out how to get back on. As I was driving I realized I was about to miss my turn (and I am still driving with no additional gas) so I had to slow quickly and make a bit of a turn, all at the same time. Well Cammi was being a pain, in the front, in the back, in the front, and so on. She was in the process of moving around when I needed to make my sudden change and she slid forward into the dash...

Her nose hit the windshield and instantly there was a spider crack about the size of a salad plate. Not good. I pulled over to make sure she was ok (I was freaking out for a minute there). She didn't yelp at all and her nose seemed fine. No bleeding. Not tender to the touch.

I called my Mom and told her what happened. She supported my decision that Cammi would be ok to go home rather than back to the vet. The rest of the day I watched her and there didn't appear to be any problems at all (which is a very good thing - I don't know what I would have done if she would have been hurt).

I called when I got back, before resuming working on the schedule, and made an appointment for a new windshield to be put in yesterday while I was at work. They did and it's FANTASTIC!!!

Ok, I have more I want to talk about but someone (who will remain nameless, but you know who you are) has told me that keeping up with the reading on here is an arduous task that she hasn't had the time or energy to undertake. Party-pooper. So I'm going to try and keep it a little shorter... try...

Monday, July 11, 2005

search

Have you ever done a "google" search (or other, for this question the searching is what counts more than the search engine used) on yourself?

I have. In the past I never found myself and for some reason found that comforting. I did it again today and of all the possible hits, the first one that was actually me was 6 back. My name was mentioned in an online PDF file thanking all the participating referees of a tournament a few years back. The only other instances of me that I found were from Ms Arleigh's site (which is currently not available and that is annoying) and in results posted from a race I was in.

The main hits are a DJ in the UK, a visual artist, a NCAA basketball player (if you saw me you would laugh to think that I would be in any way associated w/ that - very, very short - not terribly hand/ball coordinated), and a life coach. There is a doctor, someone in some way associated with Canadian Idol, a high ranking women's tennis chair umpire (she's British), an author and a number of sites in a language I am not familiar with. And I just found a link to someone with my name who is very pretty, and very uninhibited if the pictures are really her... wow, not expecting that!

I sometimes think what it would be like to be that person - you know - sort of like how would my life be different and all of that?

Anyway, I want to keep talking about this but I just got a phone call that has totally distracted my ability to think about this right now. I would make a draft but then it would never be realized and that's sad.

Hope you all are having a great, or at least not horrible, day. I love you and if you need me you know how to find me.

Friday, July 08, 2005

the festival

So in case you didn't know this about me, over the past few years I have become "one of those people" who dress up for the Renaissance Festival--

This picture is from the last day of the season last year (October something). I'm with some random, adorable boy who I would have been more than happy to play Mrs. Robinson with...

Apparently the last day of the season is "odds day" for the very regulars. That's why the knight is wearing the tutu and there were men in corsets, and all sort of other unusual sites. Unusual even for the festival. It was a blast! And in the fall it's great because you don't sweat to death under all of those clothes.

MD Ren Festival

This will be my second year of buying an all season pass so on the weekend if you want to find me check here first, and if I'm not there check the lacrosse fields...

(and yes, I do realize that the first picture of myself that I have chosen to share with the blogging world is me in full costume, get over it)

Extra(ordinary) Girl

she's an extra(ordinary) girl
in an ordinary world
and she can't get away
she's all alone again
wiping the tears from her eyes
she gets so sick of crying
she sees the mirror of herself
an image she wants to sell
to anyone willing to buy
she's all alone again
wiping the tears from her eyes
some days it's not worth trying
now that they both are finding
she gets so sick of crying

Did I ever mention how much I love Greenday, because I do? And I lust each and every member as well. I would love to believe that I would let them have their way with me. Such a fun idea to ponder.

You know, I was thinking about my friends and how they say that I'm different. I'm not so sure I believe them anymore. Now I'm thinking that maybe, possibly, they say things like that because they know it makes me feel better and allows me to feel good about myself. They love me and don't want me to be sad so they do what they can to make me better, but in reality I am quite possibly a most extremely ordinary person.

Maybe that's the real secret and reason for everything.

Oh, and for those of you who may actually someday find yourself reading this I would like you to understand that while I have thought each and every thing I've written here it doesn't necessarily mean that I have bought into it all. They are things that run through my head. You're allowed to have thoughts w/o them being complete fact. Some things I believe all the time, some I believe some of the time, and some I only believe when I am really very low.

Please don't think you can know me simply by reading my thoughts.

problem

I'm starting to realize that maybe there was a reason that I was dragging my feet about learning to post pictures. Now all I want to do, rather than work, is find and load pictures and share, share, then share some more (think of it as a "modern" version or the longest slide show you couldn't hope to endure, then add about 20 more shots).

You have no idea what I'm fighting in myself right now...

testing, testing 1... 2... 3...

Is this not the best picture you've ever seen? I know it is. For a few reasons that I will mention here:

1. It's on MY BLOG (which means that I have finally come through with the promise to provide images to accompany my ranting)
2. They are MY FEET (hence, I took the picture and do you see how great it turned out?? do you?)
3. It's HAWAII (enough said)

I think I'm going to go die of excitement right now...

Thursday, July 07, 2005

RED!!!

In less than 2 weeks I am going to take the plunge and get my hair colored, permanently (not a rinse) for the very first time. I am very excited, but nervous, at the same time.

In case you didn't pick up on it, am going red again. This time it's going to be a lighter, more summer-y red which is why the professional is needed. More like a strawberry, unless she thinks that's a bad plan.

The lady I'm going to is the same person who does my Mom's hair so I trust her. I think it's technically going to be "highlights" so when my hair starts to grow out it's not so obvious. That is a good thing.

I WILL take pictures, and I promise I WILL take the 5 minutes (give or take) and learn to post them. Ok?

So be happy, I'm going to be a redhead!

very post-y, post-y

Um, so yeah. So sorry about the million and one posts lately. Apparently I'm just going to keep going until someone, anyone actually acknowledges me. Or maybe that wouldn't even get me to stop, who knows? At this point there is no use pondering because NO ONE IS COMMENTING.

Ah, ok, now I feel better. Sort of. On the other hand I feel like I am floundering here, all alone, and that I am writing all of this to myself. That there is no one reading it but me.

But then, that is the purpose of a journal right? And in a strange, sort of public way that's exactly what this is so fine. Ok. I'm alone here and it's ok. At least I don't have to worry about any mean comments if I am by myself.

So did I tell you that I am doing a "music exchange program" with my db (desk buddy, a co-worker, I can explain the purpose and meaning further if you require it but it's not all that exciting). Anyway, if I didn't I'll give you the abridged version; he listens to rap/hip hop (which I still don't understand the difference there of but whatever) and I listen to just about everything else. Every week we trade cd's for the week and promise to take the time to listen all the way through at least one time so we can then discuss.

I now own an Eminem cd and I really, really like it. This scares me a little.

He has discovered an affinity for Garbage. I think it scares him.

Anyway, so we've been trading for a while now and it's been fun. Well yesterday (how sweet is this btw?) he brought in what was apparently an extra copy of My Big Fat Greek Wedding for me to have. He is Greek and had been to a wedding over the holiday and the movies were the wedding favor. He already had a copy so just thought I would want to have it.

I'm very excited because I really enjoyed it and now I have another movie to add to my very small and sad collection. There are a million movies I would like to have, but I'm just not that driven to purchase. Shoes are so much more fun ya know?

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Tired of being different

So I have guy friends that I talk to, about everything. And I do mean everything. One comment that has been made to me on very separate occasions is how different I am. I am not like other women. This was always said in a semi-wonder, positive way.

I thought it was a good thing.

My parents raised me that it was ok, and even encouraged, to be different. That made you special (and not in a short bus kind of way, smartass). Unique is good, right?

I'm not so sure anymore.

I think I want to be just like every other woman out there as far as guys/relationships go. I want to be emotionally irresponsible and to not always be the one who looks out for both parties' long-term interests. It would be easier that way.

I don't want to be realistic anymore.

I want to believe that the world and people are all sunshine, roses and happiness again. That people don't do mean things on purpose and that they are honest, not manipulative or misleading. That they act from a place and motivation to be good and true and loving to all others.

I want to believe that everything will work out like it is supposed to in the end.

I know this is not the world we live in, but I don't think I care.

side note

The ever-transient Arleigh is no longer in Boston. That is good for me because now I don't need to go back up there. I had been a few years ago and while I did enjoy the town, there were some negatives as well. Plus it is WAY FRICKING COLD up there.

All indications point to her being in the Philly area for at least a little while. This is a good thing for me because when I do get around to getting myself a bike (which I really, really want to do - perhaps after All Star as a hooray I survived gift to self???) I can just drive up there to see her. Plus, if anything happens to the thing she'll be close enough to fix it.

Is it wrong that ALL I want to do today is write on this thing???

(and did you notice all the questions and need for reassurance I'm demonstrating today - what's up with that?)

dream

So yes, I remembered another one. I hope this is going to happen more, rather than less, often. I was doing well for a little while there and had whole episodes with sequences. Then nothing. Whatever, last night I had another one.

I don't know where I was or what I was doing. All I know is that there were a lot of other people around. The point is that Kyan (from Queer Eye - which I am totally addicted to btw) said to me throughout the course of the evening, on at least 2 separate occasions, how he loved my hair and not to do anything to it. He would touch and stroke it.

I felt very special.

When I woke up I thought that it was a nice, but strange, dream.

have you ever noticed?

I was wondering if you noticed that not only do I post randomly, but that when there is some sort of shift in my life/thinking I post a lot? Is it just me and my perception? I don't know and more importantly, I'm not sure if I care. It seems that way to me so I'm going to choose to believe it to be true.

So yesterday I went to 6-Flags in Maryland. It had been a few years since I had been to any amusement park (well, aside from my bi-annual trips to Disney, but I don't really put them into the same category). The last one I had been to was King's Dominion (I think). I have to say, what I remember of KD it is WAY better than 6-Flags. I think that park is just getting worse but the day. I know it's not in the best area of MD, but I don't remember it ever being this bad. It's like whomever is managing it has decided there is nothing he (or she) can do and given up.

The grass is mostly burnt, there are little to no trees, there is bare dirt everywhere, and to go from ride to ride there is nothing. You just walk along a seemingly random pathway until you get to the line. It is so boring and unattractive.

When I first became aware of this particular park it was called Wild World and was, for the most part, a water park. I was little and it was a lot of fun. Then they added a number of dry rides and called it Adventure World. A few years after that 6-Flags bought it and that's what it is known as today.

Yesterday I realized that, although the lines were very short, I don't think I'll be going back anytime soon. It just didn't feel right - like it felt a little trashy/junky. I'd rather take the extra time and drive down to KD. Or maybe now that I actually ride rollercoasters I'll head up to Hershey or down to Bush Gardens.

I did love the Batwing though. If you're not familiar, it's a fantastic rollercoaster where they strap you in, then the seats tilt and you "fly" along the track. Like you feel your weight supported by the straps and harness, not the seat. It was soooo much fun! Had we only ridden that I would have been happy.

There is also this fantastic water ride - the Tornado. WAY amazing super fun. I would almost be convinced to go back just to ride this - over and over and over again. And then one more time just because.

It's "a massive water thrill ride" that is bright blue and yellow and looks like a giant funnel. You ride in a 4-person "clover" shaped raft and you go through a tunnel, with a steep drop in it that dumps into the big part of the funnel - then you sling up the one side, over to the other, then back again until you dump out at the bottom. SO MUCH FUN. Who ever dreamed this up was probably on drugs but I don't care because it's brilliant.

We got there (I met friends from my old, intelligent job for this excursion) when it opened and went right to the wet ride. Bad idea. After a few spins on the one wooden rollercoaster Dave and I decided that wet shoes suck and went back to the cars to change. We did all the dry rides we were interested in then spent the rest of the day at the water park.

Around 530-6 it was getting suddenly dark, I was getting done with the whole ride thing and Dave needed to leave to get home in time to see his kids to bed. I was thinking about blowing out with him, but didn't want to seem like a party pooper.

Then I started hearing what I believed to be thunder.

There was no reaction by the "life guards" or any other workers so I naturally assumed that it must be a ride, because they must monitor for those sorts of things. Thunder is lightning, as we all know, and very dangerous. Especially when you're swimming or riding a giant metal coaster.

Then I heard it again, and more frequently. I decided that I would trust my instincts and get the heck out of there. I was ready to go anyway and I was less and less convinced in the competency of the various guards.

One of the girls also decided to join us so we headed out. As we hit the exit there was a huge roll of what could only possibly be thunder and I made some comment in passing. Prior to that point I had made my decision, but was still doing the typical Ali thing of second-guessing myself. It's tough teaching yourself to trust your own instincts after years of beating them into submission and I need all the support and encouragement I can get.

There were 3 workers standing by who overheard my comment to my friends (and myself). The one guy responded, "oh nah, it wasn't thunder, it was just the rollercoaster". Ha. Double Ha. I am not that big of a dumbass. And if I was a mean spirited person I would have wished that something bad happened to a park guest just so next time they take the weather a little bit more seriously. But I'm not so I didn't.

Besides, they just had the lady who had a heart attack on the one waterslide so it was closed pending the investigation. They really don't need another death this soon.

As we hit the parking lot the rain started to drip.

When we made it to the highway the rain was pouring. We stopped along the way and had dinner, watching the light show the entire time. I feel bad for the people who got caught in it, but that's the way it goes sometimes.

I was happy for the day because I got to catch up with them and all the things that had been happening since I left that part of my life. Part of me really wants to go back, but I don't know. I don't want to risk being disenchanted. I don't want to face that they really don't need or want me.

I just don't know, is it possible to go back???

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

my home

For those of you who have never been to my home, or at least not recently, I tend to keep parts of my house neat and parts of it messy and cluttered. It drives me crazy. I close the door to the mess or don't go into that part of the house. I have so much un-used living area it's a shame.

I have been slowly working on improving that (as you can read all about my various home improvements and projects in past posts).

The "slowly" is no longer working for me. I am determined to clear the crap and live in a place that I love. If I don't like it, I will change it. I am making that decision RIGHT NOW.

It's been getting on my nerves for quite a while, but as you know I am very good at deceiving myself. I was reading something this morning about "faux feng shui" and how it is the new-age Western "fix all" miracle cure. I am interested in feng shui and have read a few books on the concepts (which is why I was randomly reading about it online of course). For the most part I find the style visually appealing and have been, in baby steps of course, blending it into my own decorating concept.

I read this:

Clutter is just the accumulation of postponed decisions... you haven't taken the time to decide whether to keep something or throw it out, so there it sits until you do... it is mere procrastination... procrastination can have significant effects on many areas of life...

Which is what inspired me to finally make the commitment within myself to stop the procrastination and make the decisions to get the junk out. It is a daunting task but something that I know I need to accomplish.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Almost

Happy 4th!!!

So I got up this morning at a normal time (although when you think about the lack of sleep I had maybe it wasn't so normal - but that's just too bad). Since I had the day off I decided to go to yoga - healing, strengthening, centering yoga - have I told you how I love it? Because if not, I do - and without it I'm not sure where my head would be right now - certainly a much worse place than it is. My teacher is a God send in the true sense of the concept (she teaches the Friday class I attend as well as the one I made it to today). I believe that I was driven to be in her class because I would need her style of teaching and guidance to find and maintain my own sense of self at this point in my life.

I am working on myself. I would like to regain the ability to be open and completely honest; trusting, but still cautious. I am remembering what it means to love and be kind to oneself.

I am thankful for my girl friend, who will shortly be moving to CA. She could see from the outside what I would not let myself see inside and helped me know the course of action that I needed to take. The care she showed me has put me where I am now, but saved me from making a mistake that in the past I have always seemed doomed to repeat.

And I almost lost my purpose (and btw, I am sitting in my basement freezing my butt off - when did it get so cold???) In class I was working and focusing but it was difficult for me to let go of the thoughts running in my head. I did manage to quiet them, but nothing like the normal silence I am able to achieve. (I think I will work later this afternoon alone and see if I can manage on my own. It will be my first attempt at self guided meditation, so with me luck.)

So the voices are running around my brain, and I am apparently unable to hold anything beyond the most basic pose. There was another class after ours and the teacher didn't realize, so our final closing meditation was cut very short. I am grateful to have been there, but was not able to accomplish the calm I usually experience. I'm not so concerned because I am way better than I was and that is good.

On my way home I was still in that in between place - not in my head, but also not outside of it. I was driving a normal speed following loosely behind another car. The light turned and they apparently started to slow. Something, luckily, told me to look up and I slammed on my brakes. The tires screamed. I stopped short of hitting the person by maybe 2', but for a few seconds there I wasn't sure.

I need to remember that there are worse places I could be in life and find joy in that. Be grateful in the love that I do receive and to know that people give what they can. It is not a reflection on my inability to inspire or deserve love.

Fun while it lasted

So I admit it. I am a girl.

Sometimes that really sucks.

I have been steadily thinking that I wanted to know what the boy thought about the thing that I realized I was beginning to think about calling a relationship. I was beginning to become emotionally involved. I was pretty sure he wasn't seeing anyone else, but I know (some of) his history and I was pretty confident he was not necessarily going to be there with me (if at all).

It got to the point that it didn't matter. In order to save myself any real trauma or pain I needed to bring it out into the open and "talk". I hate talking.

We did.

I was right in that he was not seeing anyone else. I was also right that he would not specifically be against seeing someone. I was a wrong in thinking that it would bother him, even a little, if I did. Apparently he would have been completely ok with it. I was not ok with that.

A lot not ok.

I told him I couldn't see him anymore.

I am very sad right now but I know it was the right thing to do. I am writing this because if I don't I may try and devise a way to "sort of" see him, which is not an option. With it in print and online for the world to see you can be my support when I am feeling weak, and my angel on the shoulder when I try and tell myself that I will be fine and it would not be a bad idea to just go hang out "as friends" (with the possibility for benefits of course)...

I am too far into thinking about this in a different way, and I am too open to him emotionally, for that to be possible now... before, no problem, but not now...

I am sad and I do have serious concerns about myself and my future... and I of course wonder if I will be able to allow myself to believe that someone out there could possibly, actually love me... because right now I do not believe it and that is what I am truly sad about...

Waiting for my endless summer...