Happy New Year
I am going to Philly for the new year with a few girl friends. It should be fun - one of those all inclusive things - which I've never done before so I'll be sure to give a full report once all is said and done. I just hope I don't have any problems getting home tomorrow... traffic, directions, you know that sort of thing.
In a way I'm really looking forward to it but at exactly the same time I kinda wish my puppy was home (she's at the beach with my parents so she wouldn't have to be alone overnight) and that we were sitting around eating pizza and watching a movie. Sad, right? I know, I'm just tired and feel like having a little calm and quite time alone (which means me and my puppy).
Oh well, it's apparently not in the cards for this new year's and maybe that's a good thing. I hope you have a great one whatever you decide to do and be safe.
Current favorites
just thought I would share just in case you may want to know...
song - save me from finally woken by Jem
why? ... mirror, mirror on the wall
who's the dumbest of them all
insecurities keep growing
wasted energies are flowing
anger, pain and sadness beckon
panic sets in in a second...
color - blue
movie - Kill Bill, both volumes
outfit - $13 dress (previously mentioned), silver black metallic legs, new black dress shoes
activity - yoga, dancing (like the white girl I am)
place - the beach
I'm not really what the whole point of making this (very short) list was, but I did it. It's a sad thing to wonder if some of the choices I've made in the past could possibly be the worst decisions possible and to know that it was those decisions that have gotten me to the place I find myself in now. Especially when I hate where I find myself.
I need help. I just don't know where to go to find it. Or what it is that I need help with.
I think I need someone to save me from myself...
Resolution(s)
Ok, so I don't really buy into the whole resolution thing for the new year. Statistically very few people actually stick to them and then it's just one more thing you didn't do; one more way you've let yourself down. I don't normally do them.
That having been said, I have 2 for the year. First, I am going to improve my language (i.e. I am not going to use "swear words" anymore except when singing along with music b/c it's not really me swearing in that case).
The other is that I am going to get a NEW DANG JOB!!! So, any and all ideas are welcome on that front. The biggest requirement is that I can pay my bills and still referee some...
Today
Scorpio -
You’re likely to start feeling a little clearer about some of your financial and professional goals right now, and you’re probably feeling quite confident about your ability to accomplish them as well. You should be moving closer to some of your objectives and are bound to be developing a greater sense of your own inner strength and resolve right now.
Is that another way of saying there's nowhere else to go from here but up??? I really do hope so...
Quick
quick
adj 1:
accomplished rapidly and without delay; [syn:
speedy] 2: hurried and
brief; [syn:
flying,
fast] 3: moving quickly and lightly; [syn:
agile,
nimble,
spry] 4: apprehending and responding with speed and sensitivity; [syn:
ready] 5:
performed with little or no delay; [syn:
immediate,
prompt,
straightaway] 6: easily aroused or excited; [syn:
warm] n : any area of the body that is highly sensitive to pain (as the flesh underneath the skin or a fingernail or toenail) adv : with little or no delay; [syn:
promptly,
quickly]
Amazing
I want to make you feel beautiful
That is, as far as I am concerned, one of if not the most amazing things someone could say to another. I miss it.
Long Time...
It feels like forever since I've had time to get on to write, so sorry about that.
First, I need to say Thank you, Arleigh! I really appreciate the help with the tree - it's beautiful. It helped me feel better on a Christmas eve that needed a lot of positive to balance out all the bad...
Wow - started this at 8:33, just getting back to it for a second and it's already lunch time...
Quick review of the past few days-
- I don't remember last Wednesday
- Thursday I went out with some friends to what was *supposed* to be a bachelorette party. Except the fiance was there, as well as adult children from old marriages. It was really just going out for drinks after the rehearsal dinner (of which I was not a part so I was very much the outsider on this occasion). It was ok, but I absolutely could have skipped it and not cared. In fact, I may have been happier to not go... oh well, it could have been worse
- Friday started out nice. I woke up early and went to yoga, which is a great way to start any day (I am thinking about trying to get up earlier each day and have a little session on my own - but then again my bed is so warm and cozy comfy...). Then went over to the parents' to work on greens (a tradition) and somehow got sucked into being there all morning/afternoon/day long. It was not a good thing. Got irritated. Did the dinner thing with parents, sister, brother-in-law and my little angel baby girl niece. Ran home to shower but somehow there was no time so I threw on a skirt, my fake hair and ran back to parents' place so I could drag myself to church and home. I somehow managed to do all this without blowing up. (I don't really think anyone noticed how I was feeling to be honest) Then Arleigh came over and we decorated my tree and I felt better again. Went to bed around midnight and it was nice.
- Saturday slept in until 8 which was wonderful. Didn't bother to call anyone until after leisurely reading the paper. (I need to do that more often, BTW) Then my puppy & I went over and opened gifts with my Mom, Dad and their dog (and before you ask, yes the pets do exchange gifts). Then my sister, BIL and the angel baby came and there were more gifts. As they left, my Grandmother showed up and yet more presents. I helped clean everything up for my parents and by the time all of this was taken care of it was after 2 which means there was less than an hour before we were having "dinner". I rushed home and hauled all the things in, watered the tree (it's drinking A LOT!), answered the phone (I'm now cat-sitting for good friends of mine), had a 5-second conversation to be nice with the neighbor lady, got a shower and dressed, then had another 5-second conversation with random neighbor guy. I wound up being maybe 20-30 minutes late to my parents and when I walked in everyone was seated but hadn't started. The first thing anyone said was making fun. At this point my Christmas was so hectic and stressed I was done. I got my dog and went home. I just couldn't take anymore "fun" or "togetherness". Everyone important was there and so I just got out of the way. They called a few times and eventually I felt bad about being so 'selfish' on Christmas so I went back over around 7. It was ok. I saw my cousin who I have seen maybe a total of 12 hours in the past year. He lives close, he just chooses not to participate in the whole family thing. It's sad, but ok at the same time. He's on the vulgar side and it gets old fast. Saw some other people, went home and that was that.
- Sunday got up early and went Shopping!!! I got a few really fabulous deals (6 cordial glasses from Bombay for $5! Among others) then went home to get ready for the wedding. Went to my friend's wedding and reception. It was nice, but strange. The reception was dry. Interesting what a difference a little alcohol, or lack of, can do to a dance floor. Went home and puppy and I watched Kill Bill, vol 1 & 2. This is more like it!
- Monday, took the day off and it was a very good thing. I did nothing, absolutely nothing at all for the morning. Well, unless you count watching a movie as something. I don't. Then around 12 I got up and dressed and went shopping again. I got a duvet (sp?) for my new down comforter for $10.49 including tax thanks to a good sale and a great coupon. It's navy blue and I'm very excited about it. I also picked up a pretty skirt and top for $19 something. Went home and did more movie watching. Eventually I got up and showered, fed the dog, drove over and fed the cat, then went to a "Hen" party with my Mom. A good friend is in town and came over and now I think I have plans for New Year's Eve - probably going to Philly - which will be fun, but not very warm. Oh well, could be worse...
- Today, had to go to work :(
- Tonight, I've got to referee so I'll be home late but at least I'll make the $ I'll need for Friday!
I think I need to re-acquaint myself with the definition of the word "quick". Oh well, something to work on tomorrow I guess. As it's now just about time for me to blow out of this job and hit the road onto my other one. Wish me luck.
Oh, and I was just wondering about this when I was recapping my missing days... Why isn't it selfish of everyone else to not take me or my plans for the day into consideration just because I'm single? Does that mean since I don't have a "mate" I'm somehow less important than everyone else? Who decided this ranking anyway?
Quick Question...
Is it ok to feel hate on Christmas Eve? Because I do. I really want to spend the entire remainder of the holiday alone. Not that I'm not feeling "Christmas-y" I just want to feel it without all the other irritating people. I remember why I like dating someone this time of year - because then people actually respect that you may actually have plans that they might have to work around.
This sucks.
I hope you are doing better than I am...
Calm before the Storm?
So I am at work (not working obviously but it's ok - this is my version of a smoke break).
I want to go home. Not that I can think of anything specific that I want or need to get done, I just don't want to be here. It's really strange because this time of the year I (normally) have a whole list of things in my head that I need to accomplish for the day and so on. I'm always in a frenzy of activity and trying to pull everything together.
Not this year. It's very strange. I'm starting to feel very concerned that I'm totally forgetting something (well, a lot of somethings) and that I'm going to feel like a giant a* because I've hurt someone by my absent-mindedness. The thing is, I can't for the life of me thing of anything I've forgotten.
Oh well...
What a waste
Yesterday was the biggest waste of time and mileage. My co-worker and I had to go to court, we were subpoenaed, but we had no idea why. So we got the directions, and with the permission of our supervisors, left at 9:00. We were supposed to report at 12:30 for a 1:00 trial start. Rockville is only ~1 hour from Annapolis, but they wanted to be sure we'd have time to get lost, stuck in traffic and have lunch and still be there on time. Ok, wonderful.
So we got there at 10:00. Now I used to work near Rockville, and a number of my friends lived out there, but I'm still not all that familiar with the area. So what to do with the 2 1/2 hours before we have to be there? Well, we drive down Rockville Pike, of course, in search of a place to shop. I was sort of thinking about White Flint, but it was too far down the road. We wound up at Old Navy and, since I'd just been to the one in Annapolis the day before (after picking up the perfect shoes I had time) I didn't buy anything. It was better than being at work, but so obvious we were wasting time. We decided to just take a long lunch for the rest of the time we had.
We went back to court and waited patiently outside the specific room until the doors opened and we were allowed to go in - about 12:45. So then we waited patiently in line to check in with the State's Atty as directed. When we got up there she was just as confused as we were about or relevance to the case. Great, now there were 3 of us. Eventually (sometime around 1:15 or so) the lawyer B* that summoned us showed up and came to talk with us. It turns out that she wanted both of us there to say, under oath, that yes her client had reported the accident. That was it. Apparently just one of us, or the official letter that had already been mailed and received weren't quite good enough. How fricking annoying. It gets better. Now, armed with us, she confronted the State's Atty about dropping the case - and it was. (Apparently the client was being tried for either providing false insurance information or something like that, I don't really know.) We didn't even have to state one thing under oath or even see the judge (we left around 1:30 and they were still checking people in so he hadn't made an appearance yet).
We got back to Annapolis around 3:00 and, since I was told when the trial was over my work day was done, I took the opportunity to run out and finish up my shopping.
The only other thing I managed to accomplish yesterday was wrapping gifts! I am now finished and it feels so good to not have that to worry with...
Things to do today...
These are the things that I have got to remember to take care of today...
1. Go to court in Rockville and testify (it's such an interesting job that I have and get to do interesting things like this... not really, I'm just trying to find some reason to be happy to sit in traffic)
2. Make any changes to my health care that I may want as tomorrow is the end of open enrollment
3. Write Christmas cards to the people who actually sent them to me (I usually write them to everyone but I'm just not in the mood this year)
4. Finish shopping for gifts
5. Finish wrapping gifts
6. Finish cleaning the room where the tree is going to go (I don't put it up until Christmas Eve - or maybe Eve Eve - it's tradition)
7. Try and remember everything that I know I'm forgetting
Sounds easy enough, right? Ok, well it's time to go sit in traffic! Hope I get home in time to get past item number 1...
Interesting...
So here's this week's prediction...
Below is your Scorpio horoscope for December 20, 2004
Scorpio: 12/20/2004 to 12/26/2004
Duty will definitely be calling on Monday. But you should have a great
opportunity to make a fresh start on the relationship front before the week
is through, so be sure to use this time wisely. And try to keep an eye out
for someone who can help you sort out some financial issues a little later
in the week.
Sounds pretty good... maybe Santa's been reading my Christmas list because I know I've been good this year...
wanted: a male, single, 27 or older, gainfully employed, heterosexual, attractive (to me), attracted to me, preferred over 5' 10" but not required, non-smoker, non-drug user, non-alcoholic
Success!!!
I FOUND THE SHOES!!!
They are perfect. I truly couldn't have designed them better. I am very excited. They are black and closed toe (prerequisites) but they are so much better than that. They are a satin-like material, a little strapy, and they have a very small metal detail that just dress them up ever so much. Plus, they are rounded baby doll toe - which are perfect for my poor abused, strangely wide, feet.
I can't work with the scary 8 mile spike toe that seems ever so popular right now (I have to go up 2 sizes just to squeeze my feet into them). Not that I actually see real people wearing them, it just seems that that's all that is out there to buy. I remember that was all the rage when I was in Rome a few years ago, but people actually wore them. Maybe we're more independent thinkers than they give us credit for...
Self-destruct
I am starting to realize that I am locked on a self-destruct setting. I'm not sure when it started but am ready for it to end. Beyond ready. I don't know how far I'm going to have to go until it stops. Until I can stop it. If I can stop it. Where is my "bottom" that I have to hit before I can climb out again? I've been trying to get out of it for a while I realize but instead of it stopping, it's just becoming more and more destructive and negative. I'm becoming (or at least it feels that I am) more hurtful to not just myself but others as well. I feel as if I am out of control and I don't know what to do about it.
I've lost control of my house. By that I mean, it's out of control clutter. Just unbelievable. I look around and it scares me because I didn't see it happening. It's like I woke up one day and it was just there all of the sudden. Almost surreal. I guess part of it is because I was always able to get things away and make it look nice. The truth was that I was able to hide it. Then it got so bad there was no where left to put things. It was beyond the point of no return. (I say was because for the entire month of December my Mom - love her a lot, btw - and I have been purging a lot of it. I don't know if this is a "fix", or to be taken as a sign that things are going up, or if it's just a way to delay and that in a month or three I will find it right back to as bad as it had been... or worse. I don't know but it's a very real possibility and that frightens me more than I can say.)
I don't remember the last time I had a gym routine. I love the gym. I love to work out and get sweaty. I love to look at myself and see the changes, to see myself getting stronger. It feels great. I have tried to get myself into a routine. I want to go back and spend an hour or two there every day. I miss the gym. I don't seem able to do it. I can't make it last more than a week, maybe two, in a stretch. And I've been eating - a lot - and a lot of junk. It's not good. I try to focus and be good but just find myself making up more creative ways of turning things that should be good for me, into things that aren't.
For whatever reason I am not letting myself.
The newest trend that I've become aware of are some seriously dangerous thoughts and compulsions. I have been thinking about quitting my job. Normal feeling right? Well yes, but no. I don't have another job waiting for me. I don't have someone to swing the bills until I get another job. I don't really want another job right now. I don't really want anything but to not be doing whatever it is that I am doing. I want to quit my job, buy a new car and go on a trip. I don't feel like paying my bills. I can, I have money in the bank, but I just don't feel like it. I want to commit financial suicide. I want to gamble with my house and my future. I mean, why not? It's not like it would make any difference to anyone and then at least there'd be a reason for the day. A reason to work. I would have to. I'm just not sure if I would.
What is wrong with me?
I totally accept responsibility for this state I'm in. I just don't know how to end it. Why do I always need help? Why can't I do this on my own? Why can't I seem to be able to take care of myself?
I feel like I am in constant search for a distraction because there is something, and I am being completely honest with you when I say that I truly don't know what it is, but there must be something that I am trying not to face. Not to see. Which is why I need the distraction.
But what if there's not? What if the thing that I'm most afraid of is that there is nothing. No one. Is that what I'm trying to prove to myself, that I am completely and totally alone when all is said and done? That at the end of the day I don't really matter, in the grand scheme of things?
God I hope not. If that is the case I have a lot further to go before the end and I don't think I'd make it...
Holidays
This is a first for me - I'm actually tired of the holidays. What's worse is that it's only the 19th. I'm a little concerned about my attitude. When did I start to become one of those grouchy people? Is it just because I'm tired because I stayed up past bedtime last night? (Which is 10pm if you were wondering - if you ever call after that it should be for one of two reasons, either you have expressed written permission or you are on fire.) Or is there something else driving this general irritation at others?
I'm not sure to be completely honest; I'll have to get back to you.
Aside...
Incidentally, I am still in need of a pair of nice black closed-toe dress shoes, size 7 or 7 1/2 if anyone was concerned...
The Early Bird, and all of that...
So I have officially been up since 5:50 am this fine Saturday morning. Why? Well to go shopping of course! I have been raised in a house hold where one did not sleep in until noon - no, one didn't even sleep in until 9 - you got up because Dad, and therefore Mom were up, so you were too. They would let you sleep until maybe 7:30 or 8, but man was that pushing it! Anyway, so I've been conditioned to be an early bird. It's not such a bad thing, you avoid traffic, get to leave work earlier, and of course you do get the worm.
Well this morning the "worm" was $10 free at Sears, if you were one of the first 100 people when they opened at 7. I know, you're thinking is $10 really worth it? Well, are you going to give me $10 to stay home? No? I didn't think so. So, my Mom, my Sister, my Niece (she's 13 months) and I went to the local mall and waited in line to be one of the top 100. We were. Easily. We didn't unload from the "Ride" (my Sister's Escalade) until 20 before 7 - I love those heated seats...
Now as much as I love to shop, I really didn't specifically need anything that I could or would get at Sears. My Dad is done, and other than tools I don't really buy much there. I know they have regular towels and other such things, but Hecht's does, too, and they are always having a "once a season" sale that makes the same things a better deal. So I had no real plan for my newly acquired $10 (not cash, a gift card, but same thing when you get right down to it).
(Side note, if anyone knows of a job that's sole purpose is in shopping and being able to maximize what can be made of a dollar let me know, ok?)
Luckily, my sister found something my Brother-in-law could use while he's working (he paints professionally if anyone's interested) and so my Mom bought my card and gave me cash! So exciting! With that, and what little cash I actually had in my wallet I was able to finish all of the shopping for people under 10 (4, total) that belong to my various cousins.
I still need to finish up my niece and then I'm done with the little ones, but she's special. She's my special baby girl and she will be spoiled.
When you can get $10 for free just by getting up a little early, why not?
I Need Shoes
I've been invited by a previous co-worker to accompany a good friend, and new co-worker of hers, to their company Christmas party on Tuesday.
This has happened for a two reasons, the first of which is my friends all believe that I should be dating someone and I'm not and that makes them sad. That is very sweet that they care so much and want to see me happy. I love them for it. The result, however, is that they try and fix me up with any (sometimes I think possibly every) single (thank Goodness) male within a 10 year age range (up or down). For the longest time I had a blanket "just say no" policy to all of these attempts. Well, I've become a bit more adventurous, shall we say, lately and have agreed to meeting complete strangers, hence the company Christmas party.
It's downtown (Annapolis, of course) and from what I gather is going to be very nice. We're going to a favorite local bar of mine (if going to any one place more often that twice a year can allow it to be a favorite), but on the upper level. Very fancy-schmancy. I've never been allowed there before. I feel soooo special... can you see the sarcasm oozing from your screen?
Anyway, so I have purchased myself a very nice, very attractive little black dress. I was actually very impressed with myself and my shopping luck - originally it was $68, but it was on sale the the local department store for $13.68 (it looked really bad on the hanger), but the best part is that I had a coupon for 15% off! The black dress with pink satin ribbon belt with tax was just over $12! (If you weren't able to tell, I really, really like to shop) I picked up the black and metallic tights/stockings/whatever you call them at the same time - $3.50. Not as great a deal, but not bad at originally almost $10.
The problem that I discovered when I got home is that I don't have any shoes to wear (tragic, I know). I have an entire closet full of shoes. By an entire closet, I do not mean all over the floor, I mean the entire closet. I have the hanging shoe holders, 5-6 I think, completely full (some with more than one pair in a space) plus the floor area of the closet for the boots (they don't really work well in the hanging holders). Yet, in all of this, no dressy closed-toe black heels. Not a one. The only option I would have is to wear strappy shoes w/ hoes which is actually not an option. Or I could wear the knee high black boots that I picked up in Rome, but they really don't work. Completely different look and style than the dress and legs. Not a good plan for this sort of function. Another function and the same dress (dinner date perhaps?), great! Not this.
So, I have to go shopping. Normally not a problem. The thing is, it's last minute Christmas shopping time. The malls and stores are a. crazy (not necessarily a bad thing) and b. being picked dry by the second (this is what concerns me). The volume of people out makes it impossible for me to "pop" out at lunch time to the mall and do anything aside from picking up the first pair of black shoes I can find. There would be no actual shopping, just run in, grab the shoes, wait in line, and then run back out to get back here. No fun. Not positive. I don't care if I'd found the best, most beautiful shoes ever created, I wouldn't like them. I'd wear them once and that would be it. They would be marred by bad shopping chi. Not a good plan.
I have had the dress since last weekend. Tonight is the first night I have an evening free so you would think that I would be happy and just go now since most of my weekend is otherwise booked, right? But I want to go to stress releasing beautiful blissful yoga. From 6:30-7:30. Seriously cuts the shopping evening apart. But I have to buy shoes. But I want to go to yoga. But I have to buy the shoes. You see my dilemma.
I don't know what I'm going to do. It's a conundrum.
The other reason random things like this happen - I have proven myself incapable of finding and attracting reasonable, responsible men (actually, any man for that matter lately) and my friends have taken matters into their own more capable (?) hands... I guess things can't get any worse than they are now, can they?
Almost Time for Presents!!!!!
Ok, I know - I'm a dork - so let's just get that right out of the way. Better now? Good.
It's almost time for PRESENTS!!! I am so excited! I am now about 75% finished shopping and 0.01% finished wrapping. I think I should have a wrapping party... anyone want to come over and help? No. Really, are you sure? I have alcohol... well, at least I tried.
I love the entire concept of gifts. I love giving and receiving gifts. They're like little packages of love and caring. Without even being opened they say "I was thinking about you and I want you to know that. I care about you and I want you to be happy and to feel good". Who could resist? Then, when you open it, and it's not a pair of white tube socks or multi-colored granny panties, it's even better (unless, that is, you really wanted, nay lusted for the granny panties - odd but ok I guess... freak - no, that's mean - I'm sorry). If it's something that you've been wanting forever it says "I've been listening and paying attention to what you say because I think you are important". Or, even better, when it's something that you've never seen before, but is so completely perfect you can't help but smile and take it out and play with it or put it on right away because it's perfect, which is difficult to attain but so wonderful when you find it, it says "I love you and I know you. I know how special you really are and your happiness is very important to me".
Side note, this is today's horror-scope for me (Scorpio - November 13th - only 331 days left!)
'You might not be feeling particularly generous on Friday, and if a friend or loved one expects you to buy something for them today, someone could end up a little disappointed. But you ought to be prepared to spend a little money this weekend if you want to show someone how much they really mean to you. You can't be afraid to make a few sacrifices on behalf of someone special if you want to get anywhere right now.'
Hello? Could it be any further off??? Maybe they accidentally got me mixed up with a Cancer by mistake...
Wine... yummy
So you know that I live in Arnold (see my bio thingy that Arleigh filled out if you didn't) which is really wicked close (I'm trying to get into the whole northern speak so I am able to communicate w/ her if and when she moves there) to Annapolis. Well, during the holidays they have two nights that the stores stay open late (i.e. past 5) on Main St and Maryland Ave called 'Midnight Madness' and 'Eleventh Hour'. There is a lot of promotion (relatively speaking of course) and there are all sort of people hired to entertain on the streets in an attempt to draw a crowd.
Plus a number of the stores give out free wine.
I am not shy and I love being downtown, so to mix shopping and drinking - for free! - how could one resist? I am happy to say that my wallet is still intact and that I was able to drive myself safely home, but boy was it fun! And thank Goodness I brought my parents along (so I could tell them what they should buy and didn't actually have to spend a dime myself!)
I know, this is nothing like the first few things I've written. I have not bared myself to you and I have not given you any new ways to know or take advantage of me, but I am tired and I'm a little itsy-bitsy-tipsy. I'm excited that the spell check can figure out what it is that I'm attempting to spell and not just thinking it's gibberish...
I'll talk to you tomorrow... and until then, sweet dreams...
Surprise Day Off
Ok, so if you didn't know, right now I work for the state. They are idiots with illogical rules to govern everything (as if you didn't already realize that).
Well, I just had the most frustrating, flustering argument with someone because I worked 5 hours one day and wanted to use 3 hours of personal (so I didn't lose it). Just stupid. Anyway, so I have 12 hours of personal time to use or lose whenever I want before the end of the year. This is the only time in my schedule that it fits so peace - I'm out!
Dessert
A friend sent me an e-mail where you had to select a dessert, then based on that it tells you about yourself. I had 2 choices (I tend to always do that) but decided to go with this...
BROWNIES... You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of under dogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.
Ok, sure I guess that works. Now, off to slay those all those pesky dragons...
Wow, depressing
I just read back over what I wrote last night - how pathetic is that? No, not that I read it but what I wrote. I guess that's just been an underlying thread in my thoughts/actions/or inactions of late.
'Use the losses and failures of the past as a reason for action, not inaction'
I read that somewhere and it stuck. It's how I've always tried to live. I don't believe in the whole culture of stating "I'm depressed", then wallowing around in the house doing nothing, eating all day (or not eating at all) and feeling sorry for myself and that being ok and generally accepted by the world at large. It's just not right. It's just not me. I think, that on some levels, happiness is a decision. You know, fake it until you make it, and all of that. The problem that I've run into recently is that I'm at a loss for what action to take? I feel like I've exhausted all of my options, which I know is not true, but I don't know what other options are out there that I have not tried yet. I feel like I'm at the end of my proverbial rope and my hands are tied.
I don't know what to do.
I want to move, to act, to make progress toward whatever future there is waiting for me out there. I am tired of being sad for what I want and is not. I am starting to understand that the first thing I need to do is let go of the future that I have been working so hard at getting to for so long, my entire life... that future is apparently not mine to be had. Or it's just not ready for me, or I'm not ready for it yet. But it's hard to let go. I've wanted it forever. And I'm scared.
If I let go of it then what do I have? What am I working for? Where am I going? If not that, then what is my purpose?
Day 2
I know, you don't really want a daily count right? Well sorry - I think I'll get over it after a while and I settle into a nice, habitual writing system. Right now though it's still a fresh, gripping need that I have to come onto this thing and write. To no one in particular and about nothing really formed or specific, but just be here and talk.
So um, yeah I don't know where I was going with that. (I'm at work and it keeps interrupting - what a pain in the a* ya know? You know something else funny, if we were talking in "real life" I probably wouldn't even think twice about using 'inappropriate' language, but here it just doesn't seem right... there's something seriously wrong with me...)
Anyway, yesterday when I was driving to lacrosse (it's my other job - I referee) I was wondering how so may of these things (blog sites) could exist out there. I don't mean how they technically could exist, but how so many people could sit around typing their life away thinking they are saying something important or original? The things said are not original; not special or unique, so why bother? Why waste the time droning on about something someone else has already said or expressed a million times before?
And then I realized I wasn't really thinking about "others" at all. I don't blame or judge someone for any or every feeling that they may have, and I don't evaluate the quality or content of the things that they write and I read. That they feel and are brave enough to share.
The only person/thing that I judge, and for whatever reason seems to constantly come up lacking - being not quite enough, is me.
I am not special. I am not stupid, but I'm not really smart either. I am not ugly, but I am not beautiful. I am not young, but I am also not old (yet). I am just your typical, average, everyday, run of the mill brown haired female extra in life that you could pass a million times on the street. I may always seem familiar, but you don't really know me or recognize me either.
I am single (duh, right?) and if it wasn't for my puppy (she's under 2 so she's still a puppy) and my fish (River - he's older than my puppy - when he dies I'm going to throw him in the river - Flush was my first fish... can you guess where he went?) the only thing I would be responsible for and to is me. I do not have a roommate, I do not have a landlord. It's not a big deal, right? I guess not, but at the same time it is.
Family is a big deal to me. It's important. I don't have one of my own and it makes me sad.
I want someone to help and to love, and more than that I want someone to want to help and love me back.
My New Obsession
When I was little (11 yrs) I was riding my bicycle home from community swim team practice. The entire ride would normally take maybe 5 minutes if I was going really slow and doubling back for some unknown reason. This particular day it took me over a week to get home b/c I was hit by a car going in the opposite direction. Sucks, right?
Anyway, car won and so on.
Once I had been out of the hospital for a while and had just had my cast removed "they" (you know they, right?) decided that I needed to have my brain tested to be sure there wouldn't be any permanent "issues". So I was sent to a shrink. The first one (notice the implication that there was more than one?) did all sort of motor skill tests. As soon as he started w/ that I thought the guy was a joke. He wanted me to do stupid drunk tests like standing on one foot and touching my nose and had me waddle down the hall like a duck. It was ridiculous. I had been hopping myself all over the house, up and down the stairs, for months (I had a broken leg and crutches are annoying and do nothing but slow you down; 4 casts, 4 weeks each).
We left. My Mom decided to call "them" and let them know how stupid it all was.
Then I was sent to another, different, doctor. This one did a full blown personality and IQ test on me. It tested my memory, logic, imagination, and so on. It took hours. It was fun tough, from what I remember (it was a long time ago - I'm more than twice 11 by now). What were the results? Well, I was diagnosed as having lost my short term memory. The doctor talked to me and my parents about it. Apparently the mind, given the correct "re-training" can adapt itself to compensate for that which has been lost, but you have to work with it and practice. That's my brain damage resulting from my accident. If you ask me, I'd say my brain has taken care of itself very well and I don't have any noticeable lingering problems.
The other thing that came out of all the testing is that I have obsessive/compulsive tendencies.
Meet my new obsession...
Random Driving Thoughts
Ok, so I'm obviously NOT driving right now, but I went out for lunch to the mall. Yes, it is Christmas shopping season. Yes, the mall is usually crazy at lunch anyway, but I had to pick up a few things for my parents (I'm maybe 25% finished shopping at this point so yes, I HAD to do it)...
Anyway, like I was saying. It was crazy... but, I had plenty of time to think. Plus, I'm so excited about having somewhere to put my thoughts down - that sort of feels like a conversation because someone could actually read it - and that doesn't make me feel like I'm losing my grip in reality - that I can barley stand it.
So this is what I was thinking about.
Well, if you don't know my or haven't figured it out by now, I talk a lot. Ramble, really, all over the place. If you would listen or pay attention you would be able to learn anything and everything about me. What makes me, me. How I think and all of that wonderful stuff. At least I think it's wonderful and I guess that's all that really matters, right?
I am also a fairly private person. Now I know what you're thinking, either a. she's kidding me, right? or b. she's kidding herself, or c. this is one dumb b*, doesn't she realize that anyone can look at this?
Well no, I am not kidding and yes, I probably am sort of kidding myself (more on that later, or not - whatever) and yes, I realize that if anyone actually took the time or bothered to care they could read each and every thought that I am having and writing down. I would say every thought, but my fingers aren't that fast... I'm just a step above 'hunt & peck' typing abilities...
The point is, WHO is going to bother to read it? Or find it? And would it really matter anyway? Are they going to be know me, or meet me? Probably not. Or, if they do, they've heard all my blather before so it'll be nothing new and they'll most likely just tune it out anyway. Which sort of brings me around to my point, or revelation, or whatever.
What about the people who do listen. The people who do bother to take the time, energy, effort? Well, then I guess this will be helpful to remind them of things that they may have forgotten or missed somewhere along the way.
But then I'm thinking (I think way too much btw if you hadn't noticed, and all this was during the 5 mile drive to the mall) maybe this is a bad thing. This is a bad way to be. And writing it down may even be worse. Why? Well, because this way people know where my weakness lies. They can use it to hurt me and to control me. They can feed into the things that hurt me, then make me need them by knowing just what to say and what to do to make the hurt go away. Or not hurt, but they would know exactly what to say and do to completely win me. Then they could get me to do whatever, however they want. They could make me need them. That's very not good.
Why would they do that? What could be so wrong with someone, to be that evil to do such a thing? I don't know. I've known a few people like that in my life so far. I hope I don't meet anymore, but I don't think that's something that I can control. I seem to attract them like ants.
It kills me, too, because sometimes I see it happening. I see them paying attention and noticing and remembering. What? Well, everything. All the stupid inane things I say, and the apparently really important things that are somehow hidden within. And then they act on them. It feels great. It feels wonderful. I begin to float. To be happy. Just to think of them makes me smile and relax and feel warm and comfortable and safe. Everything is going to be OK and I know it.
Then it starts. The pain. The abandonment. The sadness. The loneliness. The insecurities. It sucks.
I handle it in different ways. I don't know why. I think my coping mechanism is screwed up. I try to control it (the coping) and mostly succeed. By mostly I mean, I don't know if it's truly working or not. Or if I am actually the one constantly seeking the same person, just in different bodies, to keep repeating the same pattern until I stop trying to control it and just let it happen. Maybe then I could progress onto some other form of disfunction, I don't know.
Or maybe I'm suppose to learn and change myself. In which case, this is definitely not the right way to go (see above). I don't think that's the case, though, but we'll see. It's an adventure, if nothing else and that's always a good thing.
There are a lot of things about myself that I don't know. I don't want to, what fun would that be? I like to know some things, most I guess, but not all. There needs to be some surprise, some mystery, even for myself.
I guess this is the end for now. If you bothered to read this far, thanks. If you're shaking your head because you think I'm nuts, that's ok. Just smile and know that right now all is right with the world.
Best Present... EVER
Thank You Arleigh!!!
I'm mad... I have this fun new present to play with and I don't even have time to do anything right now because I'm "supposed" to be working... ARUGHHHHH!!! Awesome.
Later
Merry Christmas Ali
Love you
Arleigh
