Waiting for my endless summer...: June 2005

Thursday, June 30, 2005

Women's Lacrosse World Cup

The final is this Saturday in Annapolis at 3. Can you guess where I'm going to be Saturday at 3? I'll give you 3 guesses and the first 2 don't count...

It's probably going to be Australia v. U.S. and they've already played once in the initial play. It ended in a 7-7 tie. It should be a very good game and I'm excited. I don't know that I'll ever get such an easy chance to see a world cup game and I can't pass the opportunity up. I mean, come on, it's practically in my back yard.

That night, after she's done with the banquets and whatever, I am going to head out in town with a really great friend of mine. She's going back home Sunday so I've got to get out with her at least one more time before she's gone... In August she's moving to southern CA. Then I will begin planning my first trip to the sunshine state.

Anyway, so I know I've been MIA and I am sorry. I'll try and do better. Even if it's just to come on and say that there is so much happening I don't have time to tell you about it.

Love you all!

Friday, June 24, 2005

unhappy

I have recently been very cranky and somewhat emotionally unstable. Like more than normal. Everything would be fine then, BOOM, I would flip at nothing and became completely unable to control myself or my reaction. I would cry. I would scream. I would rant and I would rage.

You know how I like to be in control. I recognized that there was something going on but didn't really know or understand what was happening so I just blamed it on stress, hormones, etc. and kept on keeping on.

Just like always.

I am very good at self-deception as I do believe I've told you before.

Then I sat down with my supervisor (of all people) for a regularly scheduled meeting/performance review sort of thing. Basically it's a bitch fest on my part because you know how I hate it here in hell and I am very good at identifying and expressing my hate. He knows and expects this and so do I. No matter how I attempt to keep it positive, there is always the underlying badness of it all.

Anyway, so while we were talking he asked me something that I wasn't prepared to answer and hadn't allowed myself to look at previously. "What specifically is it about here that I hate?" and "What could change that would make (me) not hate coming to work here in the morning?"

Hmm.

Things I hate about this place

Petty, back stabbing people who are looking for things to "tattle" on you about (here's a secret - I am not perfect - ok, now pass it on so people stop getting so excited when they realize it on their own that they have to share any little imperfection I have with the world, ok?)
Unrealistic expectations. As in, you are given specific things to accomplish that when given by the supervisor he tells you he knows that taking care of all of them would be impossible to accomplish but gives them anyway. Do you have any idea how demoralizing it is to consistently be set up to fail and have no way to succeed?
I hate being treated like a child. In order to be out sick there must be a doctor's note. In order to use EARNED LEAVE, of any sort, you need approval by 2 different people. Even though I was hired with "flex time" it's not flex time - if I am not going to be in my normal hours I have to get approval (so if I am feeling bad and want to come in an hour later than normal, rather than just sleep in and work late I have to get up and call in which leads to the 'since I'm up already may as well go in and get it over with' feeling).
I hate people being all up in my business. If it was something you needed to know, you would. If you are part of the right clique, or your skin is the correct color (and no, I am not kidding you here and no, white is not the "right" color) you can do nothing and are not held accountable for anything. Otherwise you are watched constantly - and heaven forbid you're gone more than the "allotted time" for lunch. It's like high school all over again and the gossip is insane and contstant about EVERYTHING. Not just the good stuff, but literally EVERYTHING. Like, when you walk in, how long you're gone, where you go, why you've gone, how much vacation you, how much you use, and so on. Get over it. I was never part of any crowd in school; I just sort of floated and did my own thing. I am not and have no desire to be part of a crowd now.
Structure/mode of business. A large majority of the work rests with a small number of people - and if there is any complication in what happened it has to go through 10 people to finally resolve anything. Work is constantly being repeated over and over and it's such a waste of time, energy and resources.
No Team concept. I believe in the team concept and sportsmanship and that is the mentality that I live. Taken broadly enough it can be applied to everything. No one here is a team player and there is no benefit to be one. In fact, it can be to your disadvantage to be "team" here.

Which all just boils down to an environment of negative energy. It's a bad place to be. It wears on your everything. When I wake up and have to come in I spend a little time "surrounding myself in good" like a little "bubble" of protection. It's getting harder and harder to maintain the separation.

My sanity comes from lacrosse. Which is also a source of stress for me at this time. And a big drain on any and all personal time I have. I want it because it is a place of happy. I have to be careful because I can and have neglected my life and responsibilities for it and the good and positive it brings. I hurt myself and my relationships for it and that, in the end, is very not good.

Now that I have been forced to see and look at what is happening and what I am doing to myself I can no longer no see it. I have to do something. My problem is that I'm not sure what that something is.

Sometimes I wish I could call for a time out, talk to the coach and devise a new plan.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Happy Summer!!!

Happy first day of summer!

It's hot and I love it.

It's been a long weekend, starting with Thursday night. I am a freak, let me just start there. Next, take into consideration that I don't trust suitors easily, if ever at all. Last, remember that I was under massive stress and getting my monthly reminder that I am in fact a woman last week, ok?

So my intuition was driving me crazy all day long. I was going nuts. I don't know one way or the other if it was valid or not, but either way the boy and I have no responsibility to the other aside from notifying prior to sex with someone else. That's it. Intuition has no right to be going crazy. I'm not sure if it was and was valid, or if I was just picking something else to focus and stress on but either way I freaked a little. I got myself all sort of upset and backed out of going out with the boy and told him I didn't know if I could do this. That upset him (which in a very sick way I think is a good thing because it shows that he at least places some value on the whatever-it-is that we have).

He came over anyway and I talked to him, explained as well as I was able what was going on in my head and apologized for being a freak. He accepted and seemed to understand and it was good. Then I got laid and it was very good.

Friday I got up super early and worked with Mom for 1 1/2-2 hours before she had to leave for class. Then I ran errands, including going to Kinko's with the schedule and concluding with picking up my Dad from the body shop. A week or two ago he and my Mom were hit in his new car and it's being fixed this week. We left around lunch time and made it there 3-4 hours later. Checked in and went to the liquor store. On the way home we called the tournament directors and detoured to the fields because one of them needed to "be looked at".

Hmmm. Not a good sound to that.

We got there and it was maybe, possibly, half the size of a regulation field. It was bordered by a 3' gravel and rock ditch, and one side of the field was lined with telephone poles which held wire that was maybe 8' off the ground. The girls throw and catch the ball in the air. The sticks are ~3', and a large majority of the players are over 5' tall, so you do the math.

Needless to say we vetoed the field and then spent the next few hours evaluating the entire site and planning where to place the missing field.

Saturday I got up around 530, went to the field and was working, either in the tent or on the field from the time I got there (around 7-715am) until all the games were done ~730pm. Got back to the hotel, showered and down to the hotel restaurant for dinner with 12 or so other people. Then over to the bar to socialize with some of the coaches and directors of the various clubs. A drink later and it was time to go back to the room to do paperwork for the next day. In bed around 11 I think...

Sunday was a repeat of Saturday, with less time actually on the field working and more in the tent. It was ok though because the weather was bad in the beginning and being under the tent I stayed dry - and we were there until after 8. We had dinner just the 3 of us in our "safety green" a.k.a. Neon REF shirts. By the time we got to the hotel there was nothing on tv so I had a drink and went to bed. It was something like 1030 or so.

Woke up around 8, packed and drove home. Did the laundry then back to Mom's to work on closing the tournament. We've got maybe another few hours and it's over. We would have finished except we then had to go to referee up in Baltimore (because clearly there wasn't enough refereeing done this weekend...)

Sometimes I question my own sanity and the choices I make.

Well, now it's time to get back to work so I can leave on time because... you guessed it! More lacrosse tonight!!!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

Short

So I am sorry but you are just going to have to handle living with small doses of Ali - that's about all I can afford to give right now...

Last night Hero's went well and after I worked for a little while with Mom. I got home around 9 and promptly realized there was nothing worth watching on TV & fell asleep. Sans alcohol. I know you're proud. That's like 2 nights in a row without anything but too much caffeine.

Of course I did wake up at least 4-5 separate times because the dog moved. We decided she was sick and that's why the mess yesterday. I didn't want to have a repeate clean-up session so naturally I gave up good, restful quality sleep instead...

Did I mention that I am completely exhausted? Because I am.

I didn't sleep for long because the boy called and we chatted for a little while. He's trying to get together before I leave for the weekend but I'm not sure if that's going to be possible. It's all going to hinge on how much work Mom gets done today, and then we get done this afternoon. Luckily I got in at 7 and will therefore leave at 330.

Then I spoke with Arleigh for a little while and she's sad in the cold. I feel bad because I know just how much cold does suck and there is nothing I can offer to comfort or cheer.

I'm so cranky right now from lack of sleep and I think it's time for my monthly mood swings. Ahh, isn't life fun sometimes???

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Quick

So I am still alive. I survived the weekend. I am still working with a significant sleep deficit, but whatever right? I miss talking to everyone, on this thing and off, but it doesn't appear that I am going to have any time to catch up anytime in the near future.

Just know that for now things are still going well with the young one - although I think it kinda bugs him a little that I tease so much about him being a "boy" - but then I don't feel bad because he teases me about being old - so I guess we're even - my sex - and personal - life, for that matter - are still intact and that is a very good thing.

The beach lacrosse festival went just fine. Some strangeness and if I can I will tell you about it all. Right now I'm in high gear working on the NJ tournament this weekend. I am not having fun. I woke up this morning at 5 to my dog shitting on my beautiful, still new, white bedroom rug. I was not a happy camper. My day has gone downhill from there and when I get home I have a sinking feeling that in spite of all the Febreeze I used it's still going to smell like poop in my house.

This is the closest I've been to sending her back to the pound and that is so not a good thing.

I just keep telling myself that IT HAS GOT TO GET BETTER SOON.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Busy, busy

Quick re-cap of what's been going on since last Friday...

Friday night - After work I went to the hospital and visited the newest addition to the family. She is adorable and so much bigger than I remember she should be... She was awake for the whole visit and has the biggest, most expressive eyes. She likes to grip your fingers and kick her legs all around. She does not like to be all wrapped up tight in a blanket.

I went to yoga and that was it for me for the night. I know. I'm old and boring.

Saturday - Got up around 6. Went over to Mom's to get a few hours work done before the tournament - and found out it was cancelled? Apparently all the rain Friday had flooded the fields so even though it was lovely out we had the day off.

Worked for a few hours then went and had my oil changed. Then it was time to go over the bridge and visit my sister and the new baby. It was a very nice visit and now there is actual photographic evidence that I have, in fact, seen her in person.

While I was home later that night sort of cleaning, sort of goofing off my neighbor came by and invited me out with them. I told him maybe then later decided no. I think if I don't go out with them soon they're going to stop inviting me. I'm not convinced that would be a bad thing. I decided no because I had actually found the banana bread recipe (yippie!) and had to make some for Liz's party Sunday.

Instead of going out I stayed in to bake bread and watch a movie (Napoleon Dynamite if you were wondering). I know. I'm old and boring.

Sunday - The hottest day thus far and we had a tournament. Ugh. Got to the field an hour early and everything ran smoothly all day, with only 1 or 2 minor bumps in the road. Fantastic. Left before it was over so I could get to the party. Did the shower thing and was only an hour late, which is not bad when you consider that I was walking off the field when it started. And I had showered.

(If you don't know, less then 30 minutes is considered a "quick" shower in Ali terms)

The party was nice and she loved the top I got her - it was great and I don't remember if I told you all about it or not - think hippie backless tank top - but then not backless because it has a nice neutral liner that went all the way around - and in earthy orange and maroons with beading and sequins. So cute.

Got home and the boy had called. Called him back and made arrangements to see him after his Monday class. Went to bed without even realizing I was missing Charmed. Like I said. Old. Boring.

Monday - Work (boo). Home to Mom's house and more work (but it was lacrosse stuff so no boo). I got home around 8 and still had some bananas that were VERY ripe so I made another banana bread. The boy came over and we, well, let's just say I think I got maybe 3 hours of sleep and he did stay the night.

Ok, so maybe not quite so old. But still boring.

Tuesday - Worked at Mom's for a few hours before work on the schedule. Was a zombie at work. Went out at lunch to pick up a small gift for one of the referees who is having surgery in 2 weeks. Got back to Mom's and finished the schedule. Went to the printer (a.k.a. Kinkos - which is now FedEx Kinkos and more annoying than before if it's at all possible) with the schedules for Beach Fest.

Wednesday - I spent the entire work day in "training". It was annoying. I had to stay until 5. Then I ran back to Mom's for dinner and went on over to Hero's for lacrosse. Ah, I love summer lacrosse. Relaxed, enjoyable and running clock. Can you possibly ask for more?

Picked Cam up and headed for home. As I was walking in the door the boy was calling. He was out of class and wanted to know if rather than just come over if I wanted to go out. Yes, of course. I hopped into the shower and then he was there and we were out. We just went to a little local place and didn't stay too long. I was supposed to be doing the laundry and he was supposed to be studying. He took me home and wound up leaving right around midnight. I know, not exactly "early" but not too late either. I still got 6 full hours of sleep which is a good thing.

Today - Well, I did the work at Mom's thing for an hour then off to work. Tonight I have got to do laundry. At least what I'll need for this weekend. Or maybe not. There is, after all, a washing machine down there... Ok, so I just have to pack everything. A few people are getting together tonight for the lady who is having the surgery so I'll go to that, then I'm off to the beach! Unless I drink, then I'll get up ass-early and head on down. I am determined to see the ocean for at least an hour before the tournament starts and I am chained to the fields...

So that's it. Not too exciting but at least a little bit of what I've been up to. I hope you have a great weekend and I'll be back Monday!

Friday, June 03, 2005

7lbs 14oz

She is here and I haven't met her yet, but all reports show that she is just fine. Her name is going to be either Taylor or Cooper according to my sister this morning. Right now I just call her my new baby.

Last night my sister went into labor and after a scant 3 hours the new princess was here. After work I am going to go and meet her at the hospital so I'll give you the first hand report sometime later this weekend...

Thank you for your prayers for my sister and the baby.

....BREAKING NEWS....

While in the process of publishing this post I got a call from my Mom at the hospital. The baby's name is Taylor (no middle name yet). She has medium brown hair and an unknown eye color (because she is very sleepy...)

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Did I mention???

That I share entirely too much? Because I do, so BE WARNED...

Also did I mention that I have officially, however briefly it may last - oh and have you noticed how cynical I have become about all of this lately? But where was I? - right, I have quite officially resumed my sex life. It is a very good thing.

So good, in fact, that I have just told the world about it.

I know; you are all thankful that it has finally happened and that now, finally please God, she will stop obsessing about the fact that she's not getting any and talk about something, anything else, because now she actually is. I think it's good that he's young, too - you know - frequency etc is not an issue...

Have I finally paid off any and all the bad sex karma I (apparently somehow) accumulated? Is it possible that my penance is now over?? Or am I being a little premature in my excitement? Believe it or not I am actually trying to maintain control over myself (so that whenever it does end I don't find myself going through withdraw)...

I hope in some drunken stupor I don't mention this site to him anytime soon. Wouldn't want him to think I'm just using him for sex...

Flash Back

Weclome to my youth... I know, even then my musical taste was questionable...

A little Respect

i try to discover
a little something to make me sweeter
oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
i'm so in love with you
i'll be forever blue
that you gimme no reason
you know you make-a-me work so hard

that you gimme no
that you gimme no
that you gimme no
that you gimme no

sould, i hear you calling
oh baby please give a little respect to me

and if i should falter
would you open your arms out to me
we can make love not war
and live in peace with our hearts
i'm so in love with you
i'll be forever blue
what religion or reason
could make a man forsake his lover

don't you tell me no
don't you tell me no
don't you tell me no
don't you tell me no

soul, i hear you calling
oh baby please give a little respect to me

i'm so in love with you
i'll be forever blue
that you gimme no reason
you know you make-a-me work so hard

that you gimme no
that you gimme no
that you gimme no
that you gimme no

soul, i hear you calling
oh baby please give a little respect to me

soul, i hear you calling
oh baby please give a little respect to me

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Insanity

Did I mention before that the insanity was about to begin? Well, it has. I have slept maybe 10 hours in the past 2 nights. I don't have any hope of more in the near future... TOURNAMENT SEASON has arrived...

If you didn't know or couldn't remember, I referee women's lacrosse. All year long. Like seriously, we only have a short break starting the weekend after Thanksgiving until after New Year's. All. Year. Long.

And the summer is the worst.

Not for the quality or pay or any of that, just for the incredible amount of life that it sucks up and does not spit back out. That's because in addition to the time spent actually running on the field there is all this hidden background time spent scheduling. Everything. The Tuesday night league. The Wednesday night league. The 2, 1 day events this weekend which are small, only 10 officials Saturday and ~30 Sunday. Nothing. Piece of cake.

Then next weekend the 3 day long tournament at the beach. With 5 fields running ALL DAY from 8am - 11pm. Yes, 11pm. That is not a type-o. The logistics of constantly working 10 people at a time, with a water break or two thrown in, plus their room accommodations is nightmare to say the least. And we don't even have a schedule yet. Do you know how difficult it is to get some adults to commit to something when you can't exactly guarantee them what they're committing to???

The weekend after that is a nice 2 day tournament in Medford, NJ. Competitive. As in, there are score cards and winners and losers. People get a little tense when there are losers because they don't want to be one. Oops. It's like they don't want to accept that the reality that having one winner means there are a whole heck of a lot more losers and the probability of them being the one winner is not very high.

It can get tense to say the least.

So, in addition to making sure there are compatible bodies - because yes, referees are people and some people don't like or get along with other people and a cranky referee is not a nice thing to see - we have to make sure there are competent bodies on the field as well. And when we schedule this tournament we are totally out of area. And we don't have any rooms to offer people.

Either they come from here to a room at their own expense, they come for only one day, or they don't come at all. And the people in the Medford NJ area don't really know us. And we don't really know them. If we happen to get an e-mail and a positive response you're never sure what you're going to get in terms of competency; IF they show at all. By if I mean there have been years where a whole slew of people said they would then decided just not to come. I guess they found something good on the TV or something...

If you're keeping track that is 3 weekends in a row of tournaments. In June. I can't even let myself think about July yet. We currently JUST received the schedules for the first weekend. Last night I left my Mom's after 9. I had 2 martinis before I was calm enough to even consider going to bed. I am so going to be living without sleep because I don't think I could afford all that alcohol. Maybe I should quit my day job and open a liquor store?

When and if you do call and talk to me this summer please remember - whatever I say is under the influence of too little sleep and at least 1 martini...

Waiting for my endless summer...