Almost
Happy 4th!!!So I got up this morning at a normal time (although when you think about the lack of sleep I had maybe it wasn't so normal - but that's just too bad). Since I had the day off I decided to go to yoga - healing, strengthening, centering yoga - have I told you how I love it? Because if not, I do - and without it I'm not sure where my head would be right now - certainly a much worse place than it is. My teacher is a God send in the true sense of the concept (she teaches the Friday class I attend as well as the one I made it to today). I believe that I was driven to be in her class because I would need her style of teaching and guidance to find and maintain my own sense of self at this point in my life.
I am working on myself. I would like to regain the ability to be open and completely honest; trusting, but still cautious. I am remembering what it means to love and be kind to oneself.
I am thankful for my girl friend, who will shortly be moving to CA. She could see from the outside what I would not let myself see inside and helped me know the course of action that I needed to take. The care she showed me has put me where I am now, but saved me from making a mistake that in the past I have always seemed doomed to repeat.
And I almost lost my purpose (and btw, I am sitting in my basement freezing my butt off - when did it get so cold???) In class I was working and focusing but it was difficult for me to let go of the thoughts running in my head. I did manage to quiet them, but nothing like the normal silence I am able to achieve. (I think I will work later this afternoon alone and see if I can manage on my own. It will be my first attempt at self guided meditation, so with me luck.)
So the voices are running around my brain, and I am apparently unable to hold anything beyond the most basic pose. There was another class after ours and the teacher didn't realize, so our final closing meditation was cut very short. I am grateful to have been there, but was not able to accomplish the calm I usually experience. I'm not so concerned because I am way better than I was and that is good.
On my way home I was still in that in between place - not in my head, but also not outside of it. I was driving a normal speed following loosely behind another car. The light turned and they apparently started to slow. Something, luckily, told me to look up and I slammed on my brakes. The tires screamed. I stopped short of hitting the person by maybe 2', but for a few seconds there I wasn't sure.
I need to remember that there are worse places I could be in life and find joy in that. Be grateful in the love that I do receive and to know that people give what they can. It is not a reflection on my inability to inspire or deserve love.
posted by Ali @ 8:58 AM
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