Waiting for my endless summer...: October 2005

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Not Well

Just in case anyone out there was wondering, I am not doing well. It has been a bad week. Apparently the bad place I have been living in has not left as I had suspected. Or maybe this is a last ditch effort for it to regain its hold over me. I don't know. I don't dare to hope at this point. I am so tired of holding my breath. I wish it would just end already. I don't know what else to do.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

It fits...

Here is my horror-scope for today...

You could be feeling a little restless for some sort of change in your life right now and you might be starting to think a bit about seeking some new opportunities and perspectives. If certain areas of your life have seemed a little unsettled or unfocused lately, just try to do what you can to refresh your hopes and dreams right now.

It works for me right now - I'll buy it.

Last night I went to the neighbors. They were getting ready to have people over today (and I am totally invited - thank you very much) but I'm probably not going to make it because today is the last day of fair after all... I need to find my ticket btw.

I am up and it isn't even 7 yet. I didn't set the alarm and I've already eaten and done a load of laundry. Being a teacher is an interesting thing - I can't make it much past 10 at night, but my body gets up and going soooooo early now.

Didn't intend to write in this so I feel like I am rambling WAY more than normal (almost to the point of just making stuff up to talk about) so I'm going to stop. I hope all is well.

If I figure what it was that I apparently want to talk about but am just not ready to at this moment I'll be back, otherwise enjoy your Sunday!

Monday, October 17, 2005

Just Checking In

I WANT MY BIKE.

That's all I have to say about it. I don't really have time to fool around here (and believe me, I do want to be on here) but I just couldn't not say it. For a while Ar's been trying to talk me into the whole bike thing and now that I've committed to one I want it. NOW. Like YESTERDAY, NOW!

Did I ever mention that I am not one who is big on the whole "patience = virtue" thing?

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Bad Ali

I have not done anything that I had intended to do. I am going to blame it on the funk that I find myself in and try not to stress over it too badly. I would say try not to stress at all but come on, it's me we're talking about here ok?

Here is what I managed to do all day (after getting off here with my first post of the day).

Arleigh came over and we went to get my hair done. If you don't know, it takes a pretty long while because I have long hair, I get high and low lights, and the lady who does it is good. Then we went to the Crofton Bike Doctor (where Arleigh works) and had Chick-Fil-A (I think that's how you spell it) and I was measured for and bought a bike. It's beautiful. You know you want one too, admit it.

Ok, for the bike minded people, I found out that I am exactly (according to their machine) 62.5", and my legs are 29". Well, actually, I guess anyone may be interested in that. But those measurements mean that I can NOT comfortable fit a men's frame, so I have to have a women's one, and my frame is 47. Little teeny tiny. It's going to be so great.

So then I was trying on shoes and as much fun as that sounds, it wasn't. Because I can't pick them out based on look or color, I have to get ones that fit my feet well - no matter how ugly they are. Trust me, the ones I had to special order are heinous. Oh well, as much as I complain I know that fashion must follow comfort and function. It would just be so fun to have good looking shoes to go with my new bike.

I am going to get a cute helmet. It's White and silver and has a floral/Hawaiian pattern that makes me glad.

Anyway, so we spent like 10 years there getting all of that worked out. I am also at some point going to need a bike rack, probably a trainer (as it is getting to be winter), shorts, a skirt (because I REFUSE to walk around in just padded bike shorts), and some other stuff that I just didn't have the energy to deal with.

After that, because the bike was in the warehouse we went there to make sure I liked it in person as much as I did on the internet. I do, although it's going to be really cool when it's put together and not in a box, but whatever. I have to talk to Ar and see when it's going to be ready for me.

Then we got the girls and Ar left to do her thing. At this point it was 15 until 5 and my motivation was shot. I decided to try and be productive. It didn't work. Instead I made myself a new necklace to match an ankle bracelet that I've decided I love. It's nice, but heavy because I used stone and pewter beads (I'm wearing it now and I can totally feel it). I may wear it tomorrow for luck.

Why am I so nervous about being observed? I don't know. Maybe it's the whole, I am a perfectionist and do not accept failure as an option. That may be it.

Then I ate dinner and finished watching Return of the King. And now I'm here. Oh I so suck, but I am feeling better. I think I may be an old lady and turn in early...

Hope everyone out there is well. I send you my love.
Ali

My World

Ok so I am back and it is decidedly good.

Last night I had a little freak out. Actually, wait, before you get too far into this you need to know a few things. 1 - I am all over the place today in my own head and as much as I try to make these things flow or connect in some sort of logical chain (I know, I'm a BIG GIANT MATH DORK) I don't think I'm going to be able to today so just try and stay with me the best you can, ok? Or maybe by prefacing it like that there won't be a problem so then you'll think, ok so she's so totally full of herself and gives her - I don't know what to call it - inner dialogue - I guess that works - WAY TOO MUCH credit. But whatever. I felt I should say it so I did.

And 2 - I am going to try and finish this before I have to go but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I have sooooooo much that I want to say but I've got to be somewhere at 12 and I don't know how long this is going to take (I'm getting my second round of professional highlights so I'll be just a touch more red - which is a very good thing - done today).

Ok, so back to the freak out. I was not in a good place yesterday. My first formal observation is Friday and I had to have the lesson and all corresponding documentation in and it was a PSAT test day - so all the classes but one were shortened - and the kids have another chapter test (which they totally suck at because the test is really hard) coming up soon - either next Thursday or early the following week. I would LOVE to give it Friday but that's a teacher work day - so they won't be there to take it. I don't want to give it the Monday after a 3 day weekend either, but that may be my only choice... I don't know, we'll see. I still really think doing it Thursday may be best... I don't want to think about it anymore now though.

So stress.

Then my parents are still gone so I am in charge of taking care of both dogs and both houses. So more stress.

And I don't have anyone to just talk and de-stress to - and there's no one around to just give me a hug, hold my hand and tell me it's going to be OK. And at this moment that's what I need. Or at least just a hug.

I would really like for someone to hold me.

I am still not in a good place, but it's slightly better. I cried and that let some of it out. I also talked to my X and that helped a lot. As much as I question if it's a good idea that we stay in contact, in the long run for both of us and our emotional/mental health, I appreciate that we are and that we do. I've not done that whole "be friends" thing with people I've dated before and I don't specifically plan to in the future, but the relationship that my X and I have defies my ability to define. To use a line that I abhor, "it is what it is", but in this case it fits.

Anyway, so that was last night. Today I slept in until 630, which made me very happy. I got up and had every intention of being productive, at a leisurely pace, but productive all day. I went over to my Mom's (Big Dog wanted to stay there last night - that's a whole other story maybe for later if I remember) so I needed to get her and let her out and so forth.

Well, I had left the TV on for her so she wouldn't be alone and I think it was on ShowTime. Either way it was some movie called, I believe, The Shape of Things, and I got sucked in. I had missed only maybe 10 minutes. It is apparently based on a play and definitely had that same disconnected feel. It was good, but I don't want to say that because I don't like what it made me think about and feel inside. But then, that's what makes a movie so good, isn't it?

I highly recommend it to anyone who is open minded. It has a whole "art film" feel so don't go into it thinking blockbuster. I want to talk about it more, and I think I would like to see it again - to get the perspective of already knowing the end to see how my thoughts about/reactions to change - but if I do I will run the risk of ruining your experience of it so I won't talk about it more. And to be honest, I don't think I will actually see it again because other than the ones I own I don't remember the last time I was at the movies...

But then I have been thinking about trust and people and all of that lately, what with all the new people suddenly in my life. I think I have been too easy letting them in, completely in, and that's another stress because they are showing to be maybe not so worthy of the trust that I seem to naturally, if I want to or not, give them. I don't believe in the trust that I have for them, but it's there nonetheless - if that makes any sense.

If you know me at all then you know that I live and exist in a world that I have created. I have been in and tried the whole, face and see and be in reality thing and it doesn't work for me. Sorry, but no. I don't think it's a bad thing. I like my world. For me it is a beautiful, safe and almost magical, enchanted place. (I really just wanted to use the word enchanted, it popped into my mind earlier when I was in the car listening to the radio and I can't seem to get it out. Oh, another reason I had to go to Mom's was to get my Mommom's car keys and then take them to the mechanic in Pasadena because apparently she didn't leave the right key for them when she went away and they couldn't work on her car. After I left Mom's I went over there and that's when I was in the car doing all this thinking.)

I believe that part of why the people who do like me, like me, do so because of the place that I live. It's not a physical dwelling, but more of a frame of mind or existence. They also believe, at least for a little while, like I do and it's wonderful and magical and it makes you smile and feel good inside. (I'm concerned that that's not going to come through the way I intend but I don't know how else to phrase it - so please just go with it)

The problem comes when there are people randomly let in who don't have my best interest at heart. Not that it needs to be "The Ali Show" but when I interact with others I always try to keep their best interest at heart and I need the same thing from them in return. When it's not there is when I start to have problems. My stress level builds and I am not able to deal or cope at all. I am no longer safe in myself.

Which means that I need to be much more discerning (and I don't think that's the right word but I'm going with it) about who I let in and how far. I need something from them in return so that there is some type of two-way commitment. Otherwise, it's all risk for me and none for them - unless you are a wonderfully amazingly good person who wouldn't go along for the ride for a little while - figuring out your intentions - and see what you can see then leave when you're done? I don't blame them, I just need to be more responsible for myself. The others need to have something to lose as well in order to ensure that they are aware of what they are doing to me (because, honestly, I do know that you don't necessarily realize that it may hurt someone when you get that close if they let you in so easily) and know that they're ok with it, and more so that I am getting in and that close to them as well. That, I think, may be the key.

Anyway, so I am sorry. I am not sure what I am trying to say. I think mostly I am trying to sort out my own head right now. If you got this far, groovy. If you just skipped ahead that's cool, too. You didn't really miss too much. I still feel that it's disjointed and I have more that I wanted to say but my fingers are cold and I need to do the dishes.

I'll talk to you more later on.
Me

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Planning

What is "what I am supposed to be doing", Alex?

Instead here I am writing to you. I am just so not motivated to plan. Granted, I am planning for TOMORROW, so motivated or not it needs to be done but for some reason I am just so not doing it. I also should at least be doing something productive if I am not going to be a good girl and plan but again, just not.

I am making dinner tonight for someone that I have sort of been seeing a little. I have ZERO IDEA WHAT IN THE F_U_C_K I was THINKING when I made the offer, but I did and it was accepted and this is now where I find myself.

I so need to remember to go to the store to buy food.

Anyway, one thing I've discovered about school is that I am unable to take 5 minutes to be in an alone space unless I force myself. And while I know you think that should be ok, it's really not. I need to take time to be in that space so that I can be in touch with what it is that I am actually feeling. What I want or need or whatever. I recently realized that I have not been doing that. How? You ask, well, I found myself getting back to that place that I had been where everything-anything-and nothing made me want to cry.

I am not as bad as I was. I am not back to that place yet, but I realized that I was heading in that direction.

Anyway, that's enough sharing for now. I will need to really get into my head soon but first I need to stop putting off my responsibilities and make myself a plan for tomorrow!!!

Monday, October 03, 2005

Slowly...

Ever so slowly I'm easing myself back into this whole thing. Plus I'm catching up on (most) of what I missed. It'll take a while but I'm sure I'll manage.

I'm in the process of cleaning/laundry and wasting time online. I thought I had sent myself something that I could do my grades at home but forgot a file so I'll have to wait until Wednesday to work with it. Aww, so sad.

I am so SICK AND TIRED of grading papers I COULD SCREAM!!! ARUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Ok, I'm better now. So I'm going to go back to the cleaning/laundry/grading thing. I just didn't want you to miss me too much.

Maybe tomorrow I'll do a nice, long catch you up post if I get a chance. I think I should have some alone time to get back into my head and it would be good to clear some of this junk out before it starts to give me too much trouble. Glad to hear that everyone seems to be doing well with things and all. Of course you know, if you need me I am just a phone call away...

Ali

Sunday, October 02, 2005

So I'm back

Ok, so it's easier than I thought. To just start talking to you again. It really is. I am glad that's the case, BTW, but up until the other day I wasn't sure... Glad to know now either way. I suck, that's all I have to say because I totally have been slacking now that I think about it.

I also have to clean my house and rather than do that I am playing on the internet and for that I am an ass and you and I both know it. At some point I need to go to the store to buy things, like BREAD and such, but I don't need it for tomorrow and that's a good thing. I have a chicken sandwich for tomorrow so I'm set.

I didn't eat dinner tonight, but rather drank it. It's been a difficult week, what with all the scheduling/refereeing/being in charge that I've had to deal with ya know?

A girl that my sister went to school with has told me that she has a guy that she wants me to meet. My friends have banned me from deciding to date anyone w/o their approval. I think I may have actually joined a middle aged woman book club this evening. Does any of this seem wrong to you? Or is it just me? I don't really know at this point.

All I know for sure is that I've had 2 very yummy martinis and that I'm proud that I'm able to type at all. I have so participated and that's such an accomplishment for me I almost can't stand it.

love you
ME

Saturday, October 01, 2005

ALIVE!!!

Haha. So you see, I am still alive.

I know, it's been forever and I totally suck and I am sorry. I have no IDEA what is going on with anyone because, you see, I have exactly zero time that is not already allocated to doing something else work related. Either teaching, teaching, teaching, teaching, refereeing, scheduling or, you guessed it, teaching. I am not complaining about my job. Actually, at this point it still doesn't really feel like work.

That's not to say that my kids aren't difficult, because they totally are, or that I'm all over the whole teaching grading teacher job thing, it is just COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than anything I've ever done before and it doesn't feel like work.

It's very refreshing and I think that the sadness that I've been dealing with for what feels like forever now has gone. Of course, this could be the honeymoon of just doing something new, who knows right? But I believe that this time that's actually not the case.

No use worrying about it either way because worrying won't make a bit of difference. Only time will tell... of at this point I don't have any, but that's neither here nor there...

The big thing for me is that I recognize the need to keep track of myself and how I'm dealing/thinking/feeling so my plan is to write, even if it's just once, every week... I miss this and I miss all of you. I hope you didn't forget about me...

love you
Ali

Waiting for my endless summer...