Waiting for my endless summer...: January 2005

Monday, January 31, 2005

Feeling...

Ok - so I've recently read something that I felt was very profound (well, very might be stretching it a little but I did at least find it interesting...)

It's natural for humans to feel nervous when they're in the presence of someone who's making them feel feelings that they don't often feel. But just because a person is acting NERVOUS doesn't mean that they're not ENJOYING it.

Interesting, right?

Most of the time I am around people - even new people - I'm calm, cool and collected. Not that I'm all that or whatever, I'm just usually good, ya know? I'll let you know the next time I'm around someone who makes me nervous. That way when I complain that I can't find anyone and no one is exciting and all of that bah you can remind me about him, ok?

Computer illiterate (obviously)

So, my faithful readers (hahaha, what a joke that is but it's ok I'm gonna go with it) I have recently completed a post that I began many, many days ago. What I failed to realize in all my computer blog inexperience is that, since I didn't change the date and time stamp it didn't post at the "top". So, unless you read this with a fine detective's eye (which, of course I know you do) you wouldn't have even noticed it.

It was started on the 25th and can be found here...
http://givealiwine.blogspot.com/2005/01/re-cap-home-again-hooray.html
(so proud I was able to make that simple link happen, btw)

Ok, so I just wanted to point it out for those who may have missed it (because I know there are OH SO MANY of you out there...)

lots of love

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Snowed-In (again)

I almost feel like this is becoming a pattern. It's the weekend and it's snowing. I thought that since I was below the Mason-Dixon line, I was in the south and therefore safe from excessive amounts of snow. I mean, I expect the occasional 1-2 inches and all of that bah, but this is getting to be too much. I haven't left the house today and I don't really plan to - that would require shoveling and I'm just not feeling that right now.

The good thing is that, since I'm home, there's no one to make me feel guilty about it. Or about spending the entire day in my pj's. I guess you could call that the silver lining. It has stopped (finally - some 4+ hours past when it was supposed to end) and actually seems to be melting. This is bad as the sun is going down and all it's going to do is freeze. At least I didn't have to referee today, that gym would have been freezing!

Oh, another positive is that I was able to get the old and now broken TV out of the cabinet and the less exciting, but perfectly functional one in. I don't know how to connect the receiver, DVD, VCR and all of that, but I at least have cable. It works, there is a picture and there is no buzzing sound. Really, what more could I ask for?

Anyway, so to re-cap. Snow. Again. Many, many inches. Isn't it time for summer yet??? I miss the ocean.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Happiness

I have learned how to stream music on my computer at work. I am no longer subject to listening to my cd's over, and over, and over again. There is now variety in my world and it is good.

Does life get any better than this?

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Wilderness

So I have been reading this self-helpish book - sad, I know but I've been stuck in my head so long that I feel like I am running around in circles in the dark and I don't know how to get out, so maybe some outside influence can help me to shed some light into whatever it is that's going on in there - wow, anyway, self-help book.

It's by a woman for women to read and (hopefully) identify with and then overcome whatever it is that's they've been using to hold themselves back. Lovely. It has all sort of interesting and inspiring things to say and it's been lovely and la la la. Yesterday I read a chapter titled 'Wilderness' while on my lunch break and it was just as interesting and so on as all the others. No big deal.

Did I remember to tell you that I had to referee in Owings Mills last night? I did, so it's the night of getting home late and the long drive up and back. On my way home I was just flipping around on the radio (yes, I am a compulsive flipper) and I hit a station that reminded me of my X. You know the one of a thousand years and a thousand times as many tears? And something clicked. Like WOW! Lightning, light bulb, camera flash and all of that. Just for a second, but something connected and I started thinking.

Maybe, just maybe, I have been in a wilderness of my own. Self imposed or not, the more I considered it, it fit. I've been in it. And it's been terrible. And maybe all the people I've dated since then aren't what I let myself think that they would be because somewhere inside I knew that they weren't but I'm so good at lying to myself on the surface I was able to believe it for a while. But the exciting flash thought, possibility, was that maybe there was a reason for this self-deception. That it was serving a purpose. That I was actually teaching myself something.

And what, did I realize, was I trying to teach myself? Well, that it is OK to be attracted to and possibly fall in love with people who were similar to my X. Now, before you start to freak out, let me explain a little ok? I loved my X. A lot. He was (well, is I guess) funny, intelligent, attractive (I thought so at least and that's all that mattered, tattoos, piercing and all) and just plain old easy wonderful fun to be around. He was a smart ass and kept me thinking (which I love) and on my toes. He made me feel good. He made me feel beautiful. He knew me inside and out and loved me anyway (physical icky-ness, neurosis, paranoia and all). When he and I were dating, I could be a million miles away with no other person around and I never felt alone.

So, you ask, why is he my X if he made me feel this way? Well, because he was mean. I didn't realize it at the time, but there actually is a difference between being a smart ass, teasing and poking fun and just being mean. Usually he would be fun, teasing smart ass, but every now and again he would be mean. Saying things that hurt, to hurt, on purpose just because it hurts. And he lied to me about just about anything, just because he could. Because I would believe him. And he cheated on me. And he used drugs and lied to me about it, saying he was clean and had been for a few years. He wasn't. And so on and so forth.

Ok, so why did it take me so long to see what he was doing, and like why didn't I leave him sooner? (Hear the blonde inflection?) Well, I was in school and he was at home. I would see him over the weekends and he would usually call me because then he had the long distance bill, not me. So who knew where he was really calling from or what he was doing? I didn't have caller ID, why would I care? When I finished school and came home full time was when the lies no longer covered his actions because I was there. And I'm really not that stupid. Naive certainly, but not a complete idiot.

It ripped my heart out and tore my life apart. Everyone knew but me. It was like I was the one living the lie. Everyone was part of it. I couldn't trust anyone. Everything I had believed in was a lie; nothing was real. Even if if was it didn't matter because how could I tell if it was or wasn't and I was just being lied to all over again? I've never felt so abandoned and alone in my life. I was sent spiraling into a deep, dark endless place of nothing.

After a while I started dating again and found that I would very easily, and fairly quickly, "fall in love" with whomever it was that I was seeing. I do think that in my way I loved them, but I don't believe I was in love. It's difficult to explain, but once you've been there you can lie to yourself all you want, and you may buy it for a while depending on why it is that you are deceiving yourself, but it won't last forever. None of my relationships did.

Anyway, so I'd be with them and they were all so different from each other. The thing they had in common is - they were absolutely, completely NOTHING like my X. They became a false light for me. I would out of the darkness I had been thrown into for a time, but it was never real. As time has gone on I've put more little lights between myself and my X. The flash made me realize that I may have actually been learning, slowly of course, but surly. That's encouraging. The first pseudo-love lasted the longest, and the rest have been shorter and shorter. The last one, well it's embarrassing to admit, but we actually talked about the "m" word, but it was the shortest yet. At the end there was something inside of me that just revolted. I threw him out of my house (literally, he had basically moved himself in, without asking and without warning) and out of my life.

I believe that was a turning point for me. I was so astonished at what I had done I could harldy believe it; but at the same time it felt so Good. So liberating.

I don't know what the future holds for me (obviously) but I hope I have learned my lesson and that I can remember it when I begin to feel weak. I am not out of the dark wilderness, but I do believe I am starting to see a true light.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Re-Cap (Home again - Hooray!)

Ok, so here's a run down of what's been going on in the past few weeks or so...

First, I don't know when, but sometime during the second week of January my parents went on vacation so my grandmother came down to watch the house and the dogs (Little Angel Puppy and my Mom's dog, a.k.a. Big Dog, who's not really all that big - she's a Golden Retriever and shorter than Cam but it's the name she got when I first brought my baby home and it stuck). Anyway, so fine no big deal.

Then I had a nice, long weekend (yeah MLK day!!!) and I was feeling much better, having mostly recovered from my cold (although it was way worse than just a plain old cold and I hate that it's such a wimpy name for something so awful). I had all sort of work on my house/room plans. It's coming together rather nicely (or was, but I'll get to that) and I was excited at all the progress. My room is a very bright and vibrant blue now and soon it'll be a new more peacful, calm blue. I'm very excited. Plus, the pictures will actually be hung instead of living on the floor like they have been for a year ore more now...

Actually, let me back up, did I tell you that a day or two before my parents left my sister's new house flooded? Well, it did. Apparently there was a manufacturing defect in 3 separate parts of the piping and when they turned the water on, flood city. The first floor and basement were all wet and apparently there was only one room of their 5 bedroom house that wasn't wet. They were scheduled to have their final walk-through on Friday 1/14 but that (obviously) didn't happen. They did however settle on their townhouse as scheduled on Tuesday 1/18.

Do you see a small problem here???

So, back to my day off. One of the things I had on my adgenda was to go over and take tracings of the characters I had drawn and painted in my Angel Baby Niece's room before they had to move out. I stopped by the bagle store and picked up breakfast for my sister and I and got there around 9. I couldn't find my tracing paper so I just used some tissue from Christmas (which is way less expensive and pretty much works just as well). That was finished and I was going to leave, but my sis was still working on the house and since I didn't really have anywhere that I had to be, I stayed to help. We finished packing and moving all of my sister & BIL's things around 830 that night. We worked fast & furiously the entire time, except for the hour break to watch Oprah and get warm. I'm not kidding, it was crazy and exhausting.

They decided that since my parents were gone, and since they have 4 guest rooms, my sister et al would live there with Mommom at least until Mom and Dad came home. Them, plus their 2 neurotic out of control crazy boy dogs. At night there were 3 dogs at my Mom's and during the day there were going to be 4 (because I still had to go to work, and that's why my grandmother was there after all).

Yeah, not going to work.

So the plan was that Mommom would bring Summer to my house and watch the 2 girls there. The first day of the experiment started Tuesday and I called over in the morning to let them know I was close to leaving (Mommom doesn't have a key to my house and there weren't any spares floating around) and they didn't answer right away. No biggie, I just kept getting myself together and called a little later. Finally Mommom answered, flustered, and came right over.

Turns out that Summer had run away. Well really it was more like she wandered off and decided not to respond when called to come home. Mommom had spent 45 minutes trying to find her with no luck. At that point my sister was up & BIL was on the way out to work and they heard what had happened. So they had Mommom stay home incase the baby woke up and they scoured the neighborhood in the cars (my sister in my grandmother's car, sans purse) looking for the dang dog. My sister had on pj's and a robe and my BIL was dressed in his work van since he was on his way out. They asked all the people they passed if they'd seen her to no avail.

Finally my BIL spotted her 4-5 houses away from where she'd started slowly meandering her way home. I guess she got cold. When he called her she didn't come and wouldn't get into the van so he parked and walked her home. Then he was driving around looking for my sister to let her know Summer was found and safe (she didn't have her phone at that point).

While he was looking for her he was pulled over by a cop. Yes, you read that correctly, he was pulled over by the police. In the neighborhood. Apparently someone reported a suspicious male driving around suspiciously, and it was him. He explained the situation about moving and looking for the dog and all of that and gave his id (which shows he lives - or did - in the neighborhood) and thought no big deal. Well the cop gave him a hard time, asking why he wasn't on his street and was about to arrest my BIL. Crazy, right? Well they got it straightened out finally but what a bad way to start the day right?

Anyway, so the rest of the week worked out fine. Since my grandmother was stuck in my house, and there's not a whole lot to do here I guess, she worked on getting it ready for me to move out and them to move in. She got the tree down and ornaments put away and all of that wornderful stuff. My parents got home Thursday night around 10 (the airport lost their luggage, but that's a whole other story). Friday when I got done work I ran home, packed an over night bag, and did a little last minute cleaning. I went to yoga then went to my parents where I had been living until last night.

So all yesterday until 5-6 we worked moving my sister & BIL into their new house on the shore. It is big and very nice. But it's VERY far away. Like almost an hour. They still have some things in my basement, at my parents' and in storage, but the bulk of their things have been moved. They have a bed to sleep in and angel baby has her crib and that is a good thing.

More happened over the past week I should share but I just don't have the energy. I started this post 1026 am on 1/25 and it's 1225 pm on1/30 and I am tired. It was snowing when I left Mom's last night and as far as I can tell it hasn't stopped since.

I think I'm going to go upstairs now and make lunch. Hope you don't get stuck anywhere you don't want to be.

Monday, January 24, 2005

4-Letter Words

Good:
Kiss - one of my most favorite things to do in the entire world, completely and without question

Bad:
SNOW - well now, from a beach girl this should be obvious

Both:
Love
good - when you're in it, making it, and so on
bad - when you don't remember what it feels like

Saturday, January 22, 2005

Homeless

You guessed it - I've officially moved out of my house and into my parents' guest room. My sister and BIL are safely moved in to my place and I just hope that it treats them well (and that they don't go poking around in a few select "special" drawers, if you know what I mean).

So far it's not that bad, but it hasn't even been 24 hours yet and I already miss the freedom to do whatever it is that I feel like doing, whenever I feel like doing it. Not a good thing. For instance, I had to ask if they minded if I went online for a while to get on here, since they have dial up and it does tie up the phone line and all. Annoying. I also have dial up, so it's not a computer speed thing, it's just if I feel like tying up my phone line I just do it. If someone wants me that badly, they can call my cell. If they don't know the cell number they're not that important anyway.

Shoot, I just remembered that I forgot 1. to check the machine while I was there earlier, and 2. to change the message so if someone does call for me there, they know I'm not there and to call my cell. Oh well, I think most of my friends are smart enough to figure it out. If I go back I'll take care of it then.

So anyway, I am snowed in. A lot. The nice thing is that we were able to get out and go shopping this morning (to the mall, then the grocery store) so I have some new music to keep me entertained, some really cute pink leather fur lined (read: faux Uggs, which were only $5.66 with tax) slippers to keep my feet warm, and some really yummy snacks to keep the cravings at bay.

Ok, well that's it for now. I'll probably be back later, but then again maybe not. Be safe and warm.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Performance Anxiety

The problem about not being with someone for a while is that you lose the easy connection and quiet confidence about your ability to please someone. You start thinking about it and worrying, then you become plagued by the dreaded performance anxiety. Before you even have someone that you're interested in going to dinner with, let alone get naked with, if it's been long enough you start to doubt yourself.

When I express these feelings to friends they tell me I'm crazy; they doubt my sincerity. They accuse me of being completely confident in my abilities and do not believe that I have any of the anxiety that I do, truly, feel.

The thing is that the anxiety really comes in thinking about the situation - the lead up to and in to - once it starts, desire and instinct and interest, attraction all take over. It's not my abilities that I am confident in - I am confident in my desire. My desire for the person, my desire to please the person, and my desire to do what pleases me. I have faith in my desire, attraction and more importantly I have faith in my ability to surrender to it. To stop fighting it, give in and allow it to be realized.

The tease is fun because you know, at any point you can give in. You can allow it to be. But, by holding back the desire, the want, the need builds. It consumes. It brings itself only into focus; almost to the exclusion of everything else. Then, if you do surrender it's ripened, ready to be fully realized for everything that it is and can be.

But the anxiety is there. It is real. But then I wonder, maybe that is a big part of what makes the final consummation so satisfying?

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Too Busy To Breathe

First, sorry I haven't been here in a while. I've been crazy busy what with working on my room, getting sick, more working on the room, Arleigh's leaving (and thus required hang out and drink coffee time), my sister & BIL having to move out but no where to move into because the new house flooded and so on and so forth. It's just been nuts. I really want to update everything on here but I just don't seem to have the time. I will, I promise, it's just going to take a while.

Please be patient - it'll be worth the wait (I hope)

lots and lots of kisses!
(because I can)

Ali

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Things I was sent today

" 'Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.' --Will Rogers"

Ok, this struck me because, well, I've been sitting around on my butt for a while just sort of waiting for something good, no, great to happen. You know, to fall into my lap. It hasn't yet. I guess the days of things just happening are over and I need to actively do something about it - if they ever actually did - because if you think of it, the things that have fallen into my lap have been just those things that have gotten me to where I now am - and that's exactly what I want to change. But of course, they're also why I went to MD which was a good thing. Hmm, interesting. Definitely something to think about.

n.b. I'm very good at arguing with myself and can talk myself into or out of just about any decision, which can make life challenging to say the least. It also happens so quickly and naturally that at times I have a difficult time knowing what my initial instinct was, which can be annoying to say the least.

"Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what. Instead, cherish the relationships you have with those who do love you."

Something I have been working very hard to live by and remember lately. I am also working on accepting the whole people come into my life for a 'reason, season, or lifetime' thing. It frustrates me that I don't get to choose which it is. In some cases a lot.

"Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming - WOW! What a Ride"

Again, something that I am actively working on and have been for a number of years now. I still hold back a lot, but I'm certainly doing and have done more then if I wasn't trying. It's kinda like I'm daring myself. It's how I wound up jumping out of an airplane (one of the most amazingly thrilling and inexplicably satisfying experiences I've ever had and I wouldn't trade it for the world).

"May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches."

I like to think I am sweet; I certainly hope I've been through enough to be considered strong; and I really hope there's been enough sorrow that I am human. I'm not sure about the amount of hope right now. I've only recently become aware that it was missing. Maybe the awareness is a sign that, however small now, it is coming back...

I've never been accused of having a good memory. I guess, given enough time, I'll forget everything if someone isn't there that insists on reminding me.

"Express thanks to those people who mean something to you; to those who have touched your life in one way or another; to those who make you smile when you really need it; to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down; to those whose friendship you appreciate; to those who are so meaningful in your life"

Basically, remember that the world does not revolve around you and as much as your life gets you down and makes demands of you so does the life of the others around you. In some way they are making a sacrifice to be with you, to lift you up, to make you feel better. Remember to recognize it and tell them how much you appreciate and love them. That you are grateful to have them in your life.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

10 things that make me happy

1. the smell of the ocean

2. the way grass feels warm and new on my bare feet after a long, cold winter

3. the heat of the sun streaming through the window on a cold day

4. the taste of a first kiss

5. the feel of sand under my feet and between my toes

6. the first smell of winter in the fall

7. the sound of a storm

8. the sound of my niece's laughter

9. the sound my phone makes when I have a missed call because it means someone was thinking of me and wanted to talk

10. the friends I have in my life because they love and accept me for exactly who and how I am, right this instant, no changes or pretenses required

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Sadness

A piece of my childhood has ended; HFS is no more.

Now don't get me wrong, it's been years since I've actually listened to them - they seemed to have forgotten what it was that they had stood for, how they were founded - they morphed into some cookie cutter junk station. And I'm not musical, and am by far not a music snob. I enjoy my one-hit-wonders as much as anyone else. But they were great - very cutting edge and interesting. Fun, you know? It was sad enough to witness what they had become and to know that I could no longer go there and hope to hear something I may actually want to listen to, but they were there. Now they're gone. They suddenly and without warning became a Spanish music station. Just like that. Before noon, everything was normal. After noon, Spanish. That's it. Period. The end.

It's just sad.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

In case you didn't know

If there is ever anything that you want to know about me and have big enough you-know-whats to ask - I will tell you.

I will not lie. I will not tell a half-truth. I will not skirt the issue. I will not refuse to respond.

I will answer.

Just in case you were ever wondering.

A BIG Hi-Ya!

Wow - so I was just checking up on Arleigh's site to see what was new and interesting and I noticed that she had me linked. Wow - I feel so special. I'm serious. Then I realized that people may randomly be clicking it and looking in on me. Ok, that's just strange and scary.

But, in case anyone random actually is reading what I write - hi, nice to meet you.

A little about me - My name is Ali and I live with my puppy Cammi who is a Lab-Boxer mix in a 3 level townhouse in Arnold. I work ~10 miles from home, which is really the only good thing about it. I referee women's lacrosse so I will apologize right now, when season hits you're probably going to learn more than you ever wanted to know about refereeing lacrosse. I am a currently single, heterosexual, much further from 20 than I would like, female. I have brown curly hair that hangs just to my bra strap and blue eyes. I will never be accused of being skinny, but I'm not really fat either, just average. I am short (5'3") and I have a large number of tall shoes. I don't really like pants at all. I am starting to realize just how deep and extensive my neurosis is and am working on coming to terms with it. I am a bit of a dork and I'm ok with that. I can be very, almost alarmingly, direct in some of my opinions and comments. If I ever meet or have ever met you, please don't be offended; it's not in judgment - it's just me.

Ok, well that's enough for now. Thanks for coming.

Fattest & Fittest

Found this today during my morning "I just got to work and need to prepare myself to actually work" routine...

This is apparently from Mens Fitness magazine... (since neiter Arnold or Annapolis are listed I wonder, should I identify myself with Baltimore or Washington?) Baltimore is ranked fattest city #25 - but down two spots from last year and Washington is ranked fittest city #23, up two spots from last year. Since I know you're wondering, the fattest two cities are Houston and Philadelphia... no wonder I had so much fun on New Years! The fittest are Seattle and Honolulu.

Ok, enough of that - time to get to work...

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Things to Embrace about Self

1. my oral fixation
(as evidenced by my love of gum and long-term vocation as a referee - hello, whistle)

2. my driving need to help others

3. the fact that I actually remembered to finally get my oil changed (it was only ~4-5k miles late...)

4. my monkey pants

5. the unexplained joy I experience whenever I hear steal my kisses

6. my usual lack of make-up, and what it means when I actually bother to take the time to wear it

7. my strange ability to remember the lyrics to almost any song I've ever known, my entire 20 some odd years of life

8. my insane ability to make any and all things my own, personal responsibility

9. my love of COLOR

10. my ability to smile, even when I feel like I am dying inside

Monday, January 10, 2005

Back in hell

So yes, I am back at work. I am still sick and I'm so tired I feel like I am going to pass out. Why am I here then? Well, a few reasons really.

First, I am tired of my couch. Second, I am tired of my Mom's couch. Third, I don't really think I am ever going to feel better and I'm going to have to come back here at some point and now's just as good a time as any, right?

I need to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life so I can get out of here and get on with it. Any suggestions? Oh, and please keep in mind that I need to be able to make my mortgage and have health insurance in whatever it is that I do because I am a self supporting single. So please don't tempt me with the suggestion that I become a hair braiding bead making alterna beach chick. That would just be mean.

For a long time I was very proud of the fact that I was a self supporting single and while I am very glad that I do not live with Mommy & Daddy, I am starting to question just how "good" the situation I am in is. Maybe having to share my space with another would force me to do and to act. Maybe it would get me out of this complacent place that I seem to find myself stuck in.

Interesting thought and something I need to spend more time considering.

Or maybe not.

Maybe I am feeling this way, and having these specific thoughts because, surprise of surprises, I heard from the X.

There I was, getting myself psyched up to go to bed the other night and the phone rang. It was after 930 and I was actually a bit upset because anyone who matters and would be calling knew I was sick so why were they calling me? But it was him. He was drunk (I know, you're shocked). He kept on with the same crap he always calls about. It's old. I feel bad but I don't know what else I can do to help him get over this - this what? Guilt? Remorse? Regret? - whatever. Yes, he did bad things to me and yes, for a long time I blamed him. I don't anymore. By that I mean, I forgive him for hurting me. I do not have any intention to taking him back or even considering taking him back, which is what he wants, but I forgive him. It's over. It's done. I am who I am for better or worse and that's it. There is nothing to be gained from playing "what if" so I don't.

But then he calls. And I cry. I can't help it. I think I'm safe and I'm ok, and all he has to do is call and it's all open again and I cry. And I hate it. Why does he still have this ability, this control over me? What can I do to make it stop? To kill it? Should I make it stop? If I am able will it be the end of all my ability to experience feeling and compassion? Is it just something that I should know about myself and allow it to live, in the past and just accept that I have been able to move on but that it will always be?

I have fought so hard to recover myself from that relationship, to remember who I am and who I want to be. Not that I have it figured out or anything, but I feel like I am getting there. I am making progress.

He just found out he's been reassigned to the desert. I don't know which one, and I didn't ask. I'm sure it's not good.

I just don't know what to do.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Alive

I'm still alive (which I know you're glad to hear). I am back home after a few days of being kidnapped by the parents. (I live very close and when they found out I was really, really sick they decided it would be easier for them to take care of me at their house instead of moving themselves into mine.)

I am still sick. I don't have a fever anymore, though, and I have actually spent more of the day awake than asleep. I figure that means either a. I am in the process of getting better or b. all the drugs coursing though my veins are having some sort of strange reaction, but whatever works right?

So in case you were wondering, yes I did manage to pick someone up for New Year's before midnight. And yes, he has called. I didn't talk to him because, as noted above, I had been kidnapped. I figure I'll call him later tonight or maybe tomorrow. I just can't decide if I should mention the death-like illness I've been suffering? Something to ponder...

Also, as you should have been able to piece together, I am not going on my trip. Sucks. But not quite as much as feeling like death and then having to get on an airplane going to a nice, but strange hotel, all alone and having to spend what should have been a great fun vacation holed up in the room eating medicine like candy and ordering chicken soup from room service. All in all I'm only going to lose a little $ because the airline gave me a credit, less $50 and the hotel is allowing me to reschedule as long as it's before the end of May...

Ok, now I'm tired.

I hate being sick. It's like I'm being punished, but I don't get to know what for...

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

Day 3

So yes, I am still sick. Up until a few minutes ago the lowest temp I had registered was a 99.4 this morning around 8, then I went back above 100. I just took my temp again I am at my normal living temp of 98.2.

Excited I was able to break the fever, but bored out of my mind. I could list all the symptoms I am currently suffering but then you would be bored, too and we just can't have that can we?

The good news is that I now have beautiful, finished hardwood in my bedroom. It's lovely. My Dad came over and did the third coat of poly this evening when he got home from work. It sucks because I can't sleep in my bed. But wait, I'm sick, I haven't been able to sleep there for a few days anyway... funny how that worked out.

Now, if I go away this weekend as originally planned, when I get home I will begin working on filling in the holes and painting the ceiling, walls and trim. If I don't go away, and actually feel more that not quite dead, then maybe I'll start Saturday. Either way it's going to get done and that makes me very glad.

I hate being sick, did I mention that?

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

102

That's my temp according to the thermometer. I can't sleep because my body can't decide if it's freezing (I mean teeth audibly chattering) or if it's an oven. My head hurts and my throat is dry.

I hate being sick...

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Tired

Before I get into the tired thing I wanted to share with you - this New Year's Eve was the Best in memory. I may share more details, but like I said I am tired so it will have to be later.

I am exhausted because it's almost 8pm and while I recognize that it's not late but I have been working on my bedroom since I woke up this morning around 7:30. As of now 70-75% of my room is covered in solid, unfinished, oak hardwood. Beautiful. Tomorrow my parents are going to come back over and we'll be back at it again.

This is a project that is years in the planning - I'm so excited to see it come to life.

Now that I've shared it's time to go fall asleep on the couch. Hope you had a great one.

Waiting for my endless summer...