Sucker
I'm thinking about getting it tattooed across my face.
I was at work today until 4:30, which was almost an entire hour after when I had intended to leave. It was just, 'oh Ali can you take this call?' 'Ali, I told them at lunch that you'd call them back before you left'... 'Oh, and Ali' blah blah blah.
I also seem to have a difficult time saying no - as in, if you ask me something that starts even remotely like, 'Ali, so do you think you could...' or 'would you mind...' the answer, 99.999% of the time will be, 'well, ok, I'll figure some way to make it work since you need me'. Which will invariably lead to me not sleeping and running myself around like a crazy person, making connections in a fraction of a second leaving nothing to chance and if there happens to be traffic I'm screwed.
I think I need to take a "just say NO" class.
(And no, I'm not talking about drugs - that's one of the few things I manage to refuse just fine - which makes me wonder - what's wrong with my programming that I can say no to 'bonding' with friends over some mild narcotics, but yet I seem physically incapable of saying no to running myself into the ground and completely re-arranging my life just to do someone a little favor?)
Not feelin' it
Snow. Again. Are you kidding? Apparently not because it's already started. I was thinking about it and I believe the snow anxiety may be the reason I woke up so early this morning. Like I knew it was coming and had to somehow prepare for it. Luckily the grocery stores were all still closed or I may have had to run and buy some milk, t.p. and bread (although I don't have any milk or bread, I have plenty of t.p. and I think I'll be ok). Instead I wound up working in my room that is no longer a construction zone and that is very good. The furniture is all in (thanks Mom & Dad) and I have most of my clothes in and slightly less put away. It's nice to walk in there and actually see something other than a bed and bare walls. I'm going to try and get all the pictures hung before this weekend when I go away. I know where they're going to live, I just don't have them up yet.The other good thing about being up so early is that I got in at 7:18am which means that I can leave, with a full 8 hours worked, at 3:48pm. This is actually very good. I will be leaving then, too btw. I know, I know, I should stay and work until 4:30 or 5 and get some comp time in to use next week but I am so "not feeling that", to quote a co-worker.
awake
It's like 3:41 and I'm fully awake. I don't know why. I woke up around 2:30 which isn't all that uncommon for me and didn't think much of it. I got up and checked to see if it had started snowing yet and it hadn't and went back to bed.And laid there.Around 3:00 I realized that I was a. completely awake and b. not going to be able to fall back asleep because for whatever reason I didn't seem to be tired.So, what exactly am I supposed to do this time of the morning? I'm never up now (unless in Vegas, but as you know what happens there stays there so I'm legally barred from sharing more). I do see that I have a few friends who are actually online (strange) but don't think it would be p.c. to ask them for suggestions. Probably because I'm concerned to know they're up now and they would tell me to do something that I can't at this moment as it would require an additional participant which I (sadly) do not have readily available.
Things that I'm excited about
Did I tell you that in less than 2 weeks I'm going to Florida? I did? Well, I am and I'm starting to get excited about it. Never mind the fact that I am pretty much going to use all of the leave that I have to do it. I live and love lacrosse. It makes me happy. I am on the field, running, interacting and it's fantastic. My brain is actually actively engaged. Is it possible to get any better than that? I didn't think so.My room is getting closer and closer to being finished and that's also very exciting. I hope to have my clothes actually out of the guest room and back into my room this weekend. It's just thrilling because now I won't be running around getting cold trying to decide what to wear and then changing my mind and having to go back to get something else. I will also be able to actually arrange the furniture instead of just playing with ideas in my head. It's strange, but I seem almost incapable of remembering just how big my furniture truly is. Plus, once the furniture is placed I can work on hanging the pictures which really is the fun part!I have decided the color for my half-bath on the main floor. I know, you didn't even know I was planning to change it because I haven't talked about it. Well, it's currently a beige and pink striped wall paper with little blue and pink flowers (can you say hello 90's?). The only thing that would be worse is if it were peach (I'm sorry but I hate peach). I had been thinking for a while that I would paint squares of assorted sizes on the walls of undecided colors. Then I was also thinking about a more graphic and asymmetric design in various shades of black and grey. But I wasn't really motivated by any of the ideas I'd had and not psyched about them. I knew that because every time I thought about it I got bored and thought about something else. Then, while considering colors for my guest room and having purchased a fabulous mirror/candle sconce thing I was suddenly inspired to paint it red, with a cream trim. So, that's the plan. It's going to be fantastic and I'm very, very excited about it.
the 4 letter word that won't go away
If you've guessed that it's snowing again you're right. I'm seriously tired of it. The good things about snow are limited to the following:- I have a recently STOCKED bar at home
- I am going to Florida for a week in less than 2 weeks for lacrosse
- I have over 2 cases of wine at home
- I have a brand new feather comforter that I have decided I need to use and this gives me a good excuse to get it out
- My room is getting closer and closer to being finished and this forces me to work in and on it (I have a habit of mostly completing projects, then getting excited about something else - or just busy - and not finishing)
- Did I mention the liquor?
Wish me luck getting home...
NYC
You know, it's fantastic. I love it. Every time I go I want to move - yes, despite the cold. It's sick. I wish I could afford it...Friday and Saturday nights combined I slept 5 1/2 hours, bought 2 rounds of drinks and paid for 1 cab ride home. Yes, I did drink more than 2 rounds easily - I just didn't pay for them. I love my friends and all the people they know or we always seem to meet together. I have had my first karaoke experience (I was back up on Chris Isaac's Wicked Game if you were wondering). I hung out in the apartment building where Project Runway was filmed with a very interesting banker who moved to the city from New Zealand. (Yes, he taught me where New Zealand is) I drank and danced my ass off in a totally cute a-la Sex in the City pink with black lace skirt and had my picture taken (with the girls, of course) for the bar's website. If it actually goes up I'll get the link up for you (or get some help getting the link up - let's not quibble over technicalities ok?)Did I mention I love that city?Only one person all night got even close to my age (when they first asked of course) and he was over. It went something like this:him - so, how old are you? (leaning all close in like he was going to try an "accidental" breast touch)me - well, how old do you think I am? (being all cute and flirty as expected)him - let me see your hand (taking it in his and rubbing in what I can only assume was supposed to be a seductive way)him - 31?me - you're kidding, right?him - (thinking he was in) no, absolutely notme - I'm not taking to you anymore (I then turned my back and walked away, refused to respond when he approached like it was supposed to be a joke or something)So I was still there Sunday night but my good girlfriend had to leave so I decided to stay in and try to re-coup. Plus I didn't really feel like trying to get my Mom to go out...My question is, do I look 31? Also, what would you think about me coloring my hair? My Mom has suggested a dark brown (like the color of my roots and not sun exposed hair). What do you think? Brown, another color, or no color at all? I'm undecided...
$344.67
That was my total at the liquor store yesterday. I can hardly believe it myself, but everything was such a great price I couldn't resist. It is "dollar days" which means that every bottle of wine and liquor is a dollar over cost. To tell you the truth I believe I showed restraint.I picked up- 2 1/2 cases of misc. corked red wine
- 1 case Macaroni Grill wine
- Gin
- Regular and Creamy Lemoncello (I can't spell, sorry)
- Godiva Chocolate Liquor
- 2 bottles of some vodka (reg $30, for only $11!)
There may have been some more but I don't really remember. Right now they are in 3 1/2 boxes waiting to move down the stairs into the basement. You should come visit!
smoke break
I have been up since 630. Not bad when you consider that I was up until almost midnight. I have finished the painting of the doors and already cleaned up the brush, roller and plastic. I have also had breakfast and taken Cam out more times than I care to admit and while making the random necessary trips up and then down the stairs put some things back where they belong (or at least in the overall general vicinity).I still need to do the following:- Shower
- Pack
- Clean the bathrooms
- Possibly straighten up some more of the catch-all room, a.k.a the kitchen
I am leaving at 1030, which means if I can pull myself away from here I may just make it without feeling too much like a ball of rush and stress. Wish me luck!
Current accomplishments
So far I have done the following:- Painted a second coat onto all of the doors in the room, minus one half of one closet door and the reverse side of the door-doors. I forgot about the whole paint needs to dry thing when I started so that will have to wait until tomorrow.
- Taken an inventory of the dirty clothes and realized there isn't enough of any one type to do a load. I could pretend I was back in college, throw them all in together, set it on cold and hope for the best - but why? I'm going to have plenty that I want to wash when I get back so I'll just deal with it then. Plus, it's one less thing to do before I go.
- Reminded all the shoes where they live. They promised they'll try harder to remember on their own next time.
- Contemplated exactly what I am and am not going to take to go out in. I am going to take a lot of black (2 pair of pants and at least 1 skirt) and just for fun maybe some pink as well (I'm just not always content to blend in). I am not going to take jeans or brown pants. I'm not in a brown mood and I hate jeans.
- Allowed myself to be sucked back into this thing because I was starting to have pre-withdrawal and needed to curb the pains until the last possible moment.
I am fighting a very strong compulsion to make a long entry here because I am getting tired and I am completely starting to freeze again. Plus the puppy dog is checking on me.
She is not actually coming to find me, she is just randomly barking a single bark. If I don't respond she does it again. She does not walk around and look for me, instead she sits on the stairs leading to the bedrooms and just barks a single bark. If I do respond she's quiet for a little while but the time between is getting shorter. That means it's time for bed.
Randomness
I. I need help. Not in a mental-health type way (although to be completely honest with myself probably that way, too but that's not what I'm talking about now) I need help in a computer type way. I am afraid that my very lovely, little used cd drive may be bad. Why do I think this? Well, it's been having serious difficulty reading anything I put in it, even factory and not home made discs. It's concerning since, like I said, it's seen very little use.II. I need motivation and direction help. I am leaving for NYC tomorrow morning and yes, I am sort of excited about it, for the most part the only thing I can think about it is everything that I need to do here. All the work at work (which is killing me slowly but ever so surely); all the work left in my room finishing the remodel because, let's be honest here, that's what you call replacing the floor, changing the closet, painting and putting up new trim; all the work left to do in my house to get Christmas and winter out and let spring and normal reality in. Not to mention the normal day to day clean the bathroom, do the laundry, pay the bills, buy groceries thing.I either need a wife or need to become one, because being both sucks. Not to mention it gets old screwing yourself...III. I miss the gym. I miss getting sweaty. I miss feeling sore the next day and I miss feeling strong. I need more tIme in the day or some sort of magic something I can do to never need to sleep.IV. Did I tell you that I have started a "music exchange program" with a friend of mine at work? Every weekend he and I trade a cd, then we listen to it at least once while doing nothing else but focus on the music. We started this because well work sucks and you need something, anything else to talk about. I listen to pretty much everything but rap and country (but I do own one or two blue grass cd's and some might say to say they're not country is just splitting hairs...) and he listens to rap. Period. So far we've done this for 4 weeks and it's been interesting. So far I've been exposed to Snoop, DMX, and Roots. Right now I'm listening to Jay Z. To be completely honest I can't really tell much of a difference and I really can't understand hardly anything they say. At all. I'm proud of myself though because I feel like I'm learning. My goal is to recognize more music when I go out to the clubs and such. Oh, and to go out to more clubs and such. It's just not the safest plan to go out alone and as I've said, my friends my age are all winding up married. The younger ones still like to hang out in college bars and while young guys are a lot of fun and great for the ego boost, they make me feel old. I think I need to hang more with the women from work who are older and getting divorced. Then I'll get to be the young one again.V. I am totally avoiding everything I need to do to get ready to leave tomorrow. I am apparently doing this on purpose since I realize the avoidance and yet am not making any attempts to remedy the situation. I'm not quite sure why. Humph, interesting.VI. The things I need to do include but are not limited to the following: - Pack (to ride up, go out, sleep, referee, go out, sleep, referee some more, go out, sleep, ride home; plus the showering that will happen when the schedule permits). I'm not sure if we're going to see a play or not, I hope so but anything beyond working is up in the air. That's just how it works when you work for certain people. You get used to it.
- Paint the doors in my room. This will take at least 2 hours. It's now 815. I don't think I'll be getting much sleep tonight. Oh well, c'est la vie n'est pas?
- Clean the bathrooms (or at least the toilets). I'm afraid what I would come home to if I didn't. They're fine now, but I've got the feeling they want to get gross. I can handle every single dish I own being dirty at the same time. I can not handle a dirty potty. Call me crazy.
- Do at least 1 full load of laundry. This will just make life easier when I get home. I like when my life is made easier in any, even miniscule, way possible.
- Generally straighten through the house - as in, figure out what had been living in my car and got moved into my kitchen, then put it in the appropriate home. Take the 10 pair of shoes that had been in the car off the stairs and put them in the closet of shoes where they belong. You know what I don't understand - all, well most of my things all have a home. They know where they belong. Why do they not just magically go there? Why do they need me to keep reminding them?
Ok, I'm sure I have more things to do and I know there is more randomness I want to write just for the heck of it, but I am now frozen. Not freezing but actually frozen. My basement is arctic.
Plus the music is done and I need a sound track for my life.
Working Va-Ca
NYC!!!I am going to New York this weekend for... Lacrosse! I know, you never would have guessed right? Well I'm very excited, even though I'm pretty certain I'm going to wind up freezing my butt off. I love the city. I love specifically love New York City.I'm leaving Friday morning and I'll be home Monday evening sometime - it's going to be fantastic!
double post
Deja vous?I was writing a post yesterday, at work, just about random things that I don't really remember right now (so apparently they weren't all that important) when the power went out. Oops. I thought it would save here as a draft... it didn't. Apparently somehow it double-posted instead. Oh well. Now you are even more familiar with my inability to effectively work this box I feel a slave to most of the time. So what I had been talking about that I remember, is my newly discovered crush on each and every member of green day. Equally lusting after each of them. I know, it's a very school girl thing to have a crush on the band and so on, but I just can't help it. I started listening to them in college but never paid attention to what they looked like - who really cares right?Well, I was watching the Grammy's and I have decided that I want them - each and every one - even though I think they use more product in their hair, and I am certain they wear more make-up than I do. Just in case you were wondering.
I'm concerned...
All things happen in three's, right? That is what they say, isn't it? Well, that's what has me concerned. I am not interested or ready for number three...Let me back up, the other day before I painted my walls I painted my ceiling. All was going well and it was going from beige (ick) to white (yeah) with no problems. Then, as I was completely across the room and as far away as humanly possible laying some drop cloth, the paint spilled all over my brand spanking new wood floor. It was a mess. I started cleaning it up and getting things together but it was just too much and I couldn't handle it. I called my Mom. She came over and helped me. It is way better, but you can still totally see where it all happened. Sucks but whatever, I had moved on.Today I decided that I needed to spend the day painting the new molding, bi-fold closet doors (there are 4) and the 3 doors I bought for the upstairs and I had a gallon to take care of everything. After a good 6-7 hours of painting (I know, it doesn't seem like much until you realize that all the doors, even for the closet, have those stupid panels so most of the work was cutting in...) I realized there wasn't going to be enough paint to get everything covered and second coated (they need it, I promise). So I took Cam and Summer back to my Mom's (they were both with me because my parents went to the beach for the weekend) and left them there while I ran to the Home Depot. It was fine and everyone was very helpful. I was checking out, at a self-check out place when the problems started.I held the can of paint (Bher, ~$20) looking for the bar code, found it and proceeded to turn the can appropriately. Paint then poured unabashedly everywhere. All over my leg, shoes, the floor, the register, everything! Apparently the girl who had mixed it for me neglected to put the lid on - Oops! It was a complete mess. It went all over my shoes (Steve Madden) and pants (crappy paint pants, thank goodness I had ignored the voice asking me if I was really going into public dressed like that?). I was so embarrassed I couldn't do anything but take my shoes off and laugh. It was crazy. The assistant manager came over, with like a million other Home Depot people, and there I was barefoot covered ankle deep in semi-gloss white paint. It was too much! They were all so polite and concerned with me I could hardly stand it; I just stood there and laughed.Needless to say my beautiful size 6 1/2 black suede Steve Madden shoes are ruined. Sadness.I didn't want them to feel bad though because it could have happened to anyone, right? Plus I know it wasn't on purpose so I told them not to worry about it. They insisted on taking my name and the manager is going to call to repay me for the shoes, plus they game me a new gallon of paint for free when I finally collected myself enough to check out. Pretty cool, right?So my biggest concern is this, 1. I spilled paint on my bedroom floor and 2. I spilled paint in the Home Depot... when and where is number 3 going to hit???
I'm concerned...
All things happen in three's, right? That is what they say, isn't it? Well, that's what has me concerned. I am not interested or ready for number three...Let me back up, the other day before I painted my walls I painted my ceiling. All was going well and it was going from beige (ick) to white (yeah) with no problems. Then, as I was completely across the room and as far away as humanly possible laying some drop cloth, the paint spilled all over my brand spanking new wood floor. It was a mess. I started cleaning it up and getting things together but it was just too much and I couldn't handle it. I called my Mom. She came over and helped me. It is way better, but you can still totally see where it all happened. Sucks but wwhatever, I had moved on.Today I decided that I needed to spend the day painting the new molding, bi-fold closet doors (there are 4) and the 3 doors I bought for the upstairs and I had a gallon to take care of everything. After a good 6-7 hours of painting (I know, it doesn't seem like much until you realize that all the doors, even for the closet, have those stupid panels so most of the work was cutting in...) I realized there wasn't going to be enough paint to get everything covered and second coated (they need it, I promise). So I took Cam and Summer back to my Mom's (they were both with me because my parents went to the beach for the weekend) and left them there while I ran to the Home Depot. It was fine and everyone was very helpful. I was checking out, at a self-check out place when the problems started.I held the can of paint (Bher, ~$20) looking for the bar code, found it and proceeded to turn the can appropriately. Paint then poured unabashedly everywhere. All over my leg, shoes, the floor, the register, everything@ Apparently the girl who had mixed it for me neglected to put the lid on - Oops! It was a complete mess. It went all over my shoes (Steve Madden) and pants (crappy paint pants, thank goodness I had ignored the voice asking me if I was really going into public dressed like that?). I was so embarrassed I couldn't do anything but take my shoes off and laugh. It was crazy. The assistant manager came over, with like a million other Home Depot people, and there I was barefoot covered ankle deep in semi-gloss white paint. It was too much! They were all so polite and concerned with me I could hardly stand it; I just stood there and laughed.Needless to say my beautiful size 6 1/2 black suede Steve Madden shoes are ruined. I didn't want them to feel bad because it could have happened to anyone, right? Plus I know it wasn't on purpose so I told them not to worry about it. They insisted on taking my name and the manager is going to call to repay me for the shoes, plus they game me a new gallon of paint for free when I finally collected myself enough to check out. Pretty cool, right?So my biggest concern is this, 1. I spilled paint on my bedroom floor and 2. I spilled paint in the Home Depot... when and where is number 3 going to hit???
Aren't you excited?
That I finally decided to write in color???
Colors
Beach is now out of the running, but Sun Ray has entered. I am torn because I want a nice color, and I don't want red or pink or orange or... actually I guess I'll make a list of colors I don't want and why (I am open to arguments or alternative suggestions):- Red (the room is huge and I don't want my guests or shoes to be frightened)
- Orange (yellow-orange, ok, plain orange-orange, bad)
- Pink (sorry but it's just too girly and my house and I are girly enough)
- Peach (it's almost safe to say I hate this color - and yes, I know I wear it - I have issues)
- Blue (my room is already blue)
- Brown (my living room is tan-brown)
- Black (really scary)
- Purple (not a big fan of it in a shade I could handle on the wall)
- Beige (have you not been paying attention???)
- White (bathroom and kitchens are white, everything else should be color ;)
Ok, so what's left?
V-day
I hope you have a great V-day.
That having been said, I personally don't like V-day. Never have and I'm not sure if I ever will. It's very exclusive and is designed to make people feel inadequate if they are in a position that doesn't allow them to celebrate. That's pretty crappy if you ask me.
I prefer the all inclusive holidays (and I use the term lightly) like halloween, mardi gras, new year's eve, heck even super bowl sunday with all of it's pagentry. Anyone can celebrate those holidays if they choose and they're great. You don't have to worry if someone is jewish or hindi or anything else (and yes, I used examples that are personal) before you determine what sort of card to send (from the 'merry christmas' box or the 'happy winter holiday' box). And you don't have to worry about upsetting anyone if you have a halloween party and call it a halloween party. It's very refreshing.
I am actually feeling very good about myself lately because I am not judging myself because I don't have someone to make an 'us' with. So V-day can just kiss my very big butt. I refuse to let it bring me down.
If I thought there were more than two people that ever read this I would tell you to be happy and remember, it's just a greeting card day designed to put pressure on people in relationships to prove something to each other, thus showing that they are somehow better than the rest of us. Which they aren't, but it doesn't hurt to let them think so if that's what they need to feel good about themselves.
Guest Room
FYI - I have a guest room. It has a full size real bed in it. Just in case anyone was ever wondering...
I have recently finished painting my bedroom, as we have noted earlier. Once my Dad gets my new closet doors up and I paint and lay the trim (that sounds a little dirty doesn't it?) then I'm going to put my room back together and it's going to be wonderful. I bought new switch plate covers that are silver - too exciting!
So I'm all inspired now to paint and work on the house, so I think the next project is going to be the guest room. It's going to be one of a few different shades of yellow - either kayak, beach or bicycle. (and no, I'm not making any of the names up) It's funny I picked those three b/c I love the beach, I row, and my friend is a serious cycling junkie.
They are all three on the refrigerator tying to beat the other one out. I'll let you know when a decision's been made who the winner is...
Energy
Tonight is the last night of indoor at Owings Mills, which is good and bad. Good because I don't have that long drive up and back every Tuesday or Wednesday night, and bad for the same reason. Plus I will miss the extra cash in the pocket, but that's the nature of this job and nothing to be too concerned with.
Anyway, so I was driving home and thinking. And part of me thinks that I need to take longish drives more often because they do allow me to think about and around things and it seems to help with the happiness level. Either that, or I need to get off my butt and get to the foot doctor so he can break then re-set my baby toe so it doesn't hurt and then I can start running again. I think a lot when I do that, too and it doesn't cost as much for gas...
I also came to the realization that the painting of my room is the first "major" improvement I've done to my house that I didn't have a S.O. helping with. The X helped move in and do the initial paint of the upstairs, rip down the heinous wall paper in the basement and other misc things. Then when I put in the wood floor (oh, and you're just going to have to understand that I don't really want to specifically name anyone here so I'm just going to make up something to reference them and that's how they'll forever be identified - or at least that's the plan), so when I put in the wood floor smoky helped (and yes, we're actually still friends - it didn't last long enough for me to rip him apart with all of my screwy-ness or to make him hate me). Oh, and before that the mamma's boy even helped paint the living room.
Apart from my parents, I did this one all alone. I think that's going to prove to be a good thing.
Because, see I was having this inner dialogue about my most recent relationship with satan about all the fights we had and why I stayed as long as I did and so on. And I was remembering something that a good friend of mine told me, "you take a lot of energy to be around - in a good way - because you give all that energy back". I found that interesting because I didn't really realize that I took all that much energy to be around and be with, but I guess I do. Satan comes into the discussion when you realize that he was an energy vampire.
I like to think of people as energy and light. We are naturally attracted to those who have and give it freely, they are nice to be around and get tired of or prefer not to be around those who just take and take. That's why a sexual encounter can be so amazing - because you are so intensely giving and receiving at the same time - like a circuit that just builds on itself until it can barely be contained, if at all. It's energizing and filling. It's wonderful and makes you shine. That singular event has the potential to be something beyond description and wholly positive; unparalleled by any other. Nothing short of amazing.
Let me back up a little. The X, my first "real" relationship as far as I'm concerned. I am a giver by design and he gave back, kinda. So we lasted a long time. The problem came in when you looked a little closer and realized that although he gave back and made me feel beautiful, he also did a lot of damage at the same time that I was unaware of either because I truly didn't know, or more likely wouldn't let myself realize. When I finally got myself out, and the off again on again dance we played was, for the most intensive parts, over - I was drained.
Then I took some time off and the next relationship was with the mamma's boy. He was sweet and like I said, completely opposite from X. I didn't realize it at the time, but not only were we not a good match, but he really truly did try to give me what I needed. He gave as much as he could, but it just wasn't enough. He loved me to the best of his ability, and for that I am grateful. It helped me a lot. I started to "re-charge" myself in that relationship and regained some of what had been lost. He also helped to repair some of the damage that had been done. Ultimately it didn't work out, but we ended it well together, with minimal hard feelings as far as I know.
Then there was a brief relationship with smoky, who was a friend then mistakenly became a relationship then went back to being a friend. I'm lucky that it worked out the way it did because he is a good guy and very supportive and sweet. I would have been sad to lose his friendship and I could have if I would have been weaker and allowed myself to use the relationship to boost myself up. You know, to re-energize so to speak. This turned out to be a "push" - I didn't get worse but I also didn't get any better.
Finally I moved onto satan (just when you'd given up all hope that I could maybe, possibly, return to whatever flimsy point I was trying to make with this post). He was just a PITA and a half. (pain in the ...) We dated not even 6 months and he had, for all intents and purposes, moved himself into my home. MY HOME. I didn't notice it happening, but when I threw him out (quite literally as it turns out) I realized just how much of his crap was there. Not to mention the fact that he NEVER slept in his own place - in downtown Annapolis! (Can you feel my jealousy seeping through the screen???) Granted, he rented but still - to live there - just too much fun to imagine.
I was paralyzed. Everything about him was draining. He just took every ounce of energy you had, used it up, and asked for more. It was too much. We fought from the beginning. I was just still so blinded by what had happened in my past that I didn't see it at first. Once I finally did I can't even imagine how it all started to begin with. Some desperate, pathetic thing inside just decided I couldn't be alone. That I needed to be with someone. Anyone. It was bad. It almost killed me. I almost made the worst mistake of my life. I have a very strong inclination that there may have been some jewelry purchased by him for me that has a very specific, very stated purpose. And unlike in my dream the other night, I don't know if I would have had the presence of mind to say no.
I am free. I let it go. I got rid of that which made me believe I needed anyone (the desparate need of anyone, anything to just not be alone). I am FREE.
I am also lonely.
It's sad - but it's ok because it's getting better. I am getting better. It's a very nice feeling and has it's origins in a number of small factors that all converged at just the right instant. I had a brief encounter with someone and something about them made something in my head go CLICK and I changed. I have wonderful friends who love me and remind me with themselves that I am not alone. I have someone who is both a friend and amazing person who gave me this. And a million other little things that just joined together to bring me back from the bad I was living.
My emotional energy is coming back, it's growing. I am not feeling so empty. I think the click may have been the last push I needed to finally be over and heal from the X. I don't know, won't know until I am tested again, but I believe it is and that is good.
I believe. I hope. That is good.
(started: 8 Feb @ 920pm, ended 9 Feb @ 630pm)
Restless
Ok, so did I ever tell you about the restless feelings I get sometimes? Either way, that's what's going on right now.
I want to do something crazy.
I want to do something fun.
I want to PLAY!!!
I WANT. I WANT. I WANT.
I am thinking about doing something drastic. (or at least something that would be considered drastic in the world that I live in)
Magic
Apparently I'm magic because I just posted that last one and I don't know about you, but my watch believes it's ~12:40pm, not 1 something...
Ahhh, aren't computers fun? You can make them do and say whatever you want, but once it's published people take it as true...
Post-y
Apparently I am gripped with an unusually strong desire to post like mad today. Don't know what it is, but whatever...
So I am very excited to announce (again) that I love streaming music at work. I am currently listening to Bachamn-Turner Overdrive and I just finished listening to the Sundays. So much fun! I love that Yahoo actually works through the strange, twisted filters they have on our systems here.
Oh, and I also love "my" station, which allows me the listening variety and randomness that I need...
Ooooh - now it's Jimi!
last night
I had a dream. Sunday as well. Work has been crazy and I've completely forgotten them both. I am thinking about continuing the medicine for my cold (that's pretty much gone) just so I can keep remembering my dreams. I like them, they're fun and so much more interesting then the current life I'm leading...
Joyeux Mardi Gras, by the by...
I have to work tonight so I don't even get to go out and play, which sucks, because after the fun and excitement of Halloween, Mardi Gras is my next favorite night to go out. It's dangerous - but a FUN kind of dangerous, which is always a good thing.
Arughhhhhhh - GOD!
It's decided - I need to find more single friends - too many are getting married or going to Iraq - which puts a serious damper on my list of suitable "partners in crime"...
Favorite
Because I know you are on the edge of your seat to know - my favorite color is blue (probably very easy to figure out if you consider that my room has been one shade of blue or another since I don't really remember - 2nd grade maybe? I don't really remember how old I was when I changed my favorite, but I do remember changing it and why.
My favorite color used to be yellow. The color of sunshine, butterflies and happiness. Oh, and my birthstone. I still like, well love really, yellow - but it's not the same and it's not my favorite. When I was little and we lived in the house in Pasadena (Maryland, not California - I've only ever visited the airport in CA, but that's a lot closer than I expected at this point, and I have to say it was bad - I'm sure the rest of the state is nice, but you'd think they'd do something to update the first point of introduction to it - first impressions being so important and all) anyway, Pasadena, all the neighborhood kids were out playing. There was a boy who was the oldest kid, like 2-3 years older than I am, and he was the leader. You know, the coolest. Well for some reason we were talking about colors and I said my favorite was yellow. It was. Then he asked if I knew what was yellow? Well, of course I did - sunshine, flowers, etc... No, he said - pee is yellow. That is the exact when that I stopped having yellow as my favorite.
For a long time I didn't even remember that happening and I just thought my cousin (from NJ who's older than I am and always said my favorite is yellow) was crazy. Turns out she wasn't completely bonkers. Of course, when she said it was it wasn't anymore so she did need to catch up with the times...
For a long time I hated red, orange and yellow. Everything I did and had only used those colors sparingly. Now I love them again, and I think I look fabulous in red. It's my power color. I wear it when I want to feel especially strong.
Not really sure why I posted this or where it came from - just thought you might like to know.
Saturday's dream
I am thinking that if anyone who doesn't know me or has never met me ever randomly stumbles on here and reads this is going to think I'm dream obsessed. I'm not. I just basically flit from one obsession to another. Currently it's the dream thing. I think it stems from the general amusement I feel over the novelty of actually remembering them at all.
I am not going to do the obsessive italics thing because it's been so long that I don't really remember much. I'm telling you about it at all because I like that I remember, and it was an extremely realistic dream.
I woke up Sunday, sans alarm clock, after dreaming that I'd had a baby. Not the whole labor part, but that was somehow a memory that I had in my dream. Did you know you could dream yourself with a memory? Because I didn't and I find it a little strange. Ok, so I'm a Mom. And I think it may have been a boy but I don't really remember, that wasn't important. I had the baby and it was so tiny, like my little angel niece on the day she was born. All scrunched up into a cute little ball of baby, hugging itself into my chest. And I loved my baby more than I'd ever loved anything in my life, with more than my life. There wasn't a Dad, by which I mean it had a Dad, he just wasn't part of the story for whatever reason and I don't know who he was either (instead of some dreams where you know who it is even if that person doesn't actually make an appearance?). Then the baby was gone. Stolen. Someone took my baby and it was horrible. I spent what felt like eternity looking for my baby and woke up still trying to find it. I remember feeling, how could someone be so horrible and cruel and wrong and mean to take away my love? And it was so real. I felt the missing and longing when I woke up in my chest, in my heart and it was terrible.
For a minute or two I believed it was real and not a dream.
blue, beautiful blue
This weekend my room went from blue to, well blue. I know, you're wondering why should I tell you about this if it didn't change, but the thing is it did. It's beautiful. I liked it before, I love it now. The difference of course is in the color of blue. The tone.
Before it was a darker, brighter (I know, it seems like an oxymoron but just go with me on this) color that leaned toward aqua without being anything really like aqua. Can you picture it? Now it's a lovely shade of sort of a medium sky blue, a bit lighter but still rich and more true blue (not aqua in anyway what-so-ever). It's actually quite similar to the top on a stick of Dove deodorant, if you're familiar. If not, next time you're in the grocery store go check it out.
Ok, so you're thinking: what's wrong with me that I painted my room the same color as my deodorant packaging? You see, that's the thing. I picked out this color months ago and it's been living on my refrigerator so I could verify that I did indeed want that to cover the walls of my room. It did, I do and now it is. And I didn't discover, at least consciously, the uncanny similarity until yesterday morning as I was applying my deodorant in the bathroom, with my room reflected in the mirror behind me. Just amazing.
We painted Saturday (my parents helped, you see) and we even did the ceiling. Not that exciting right? Wrong. I discovered that not only were all the walls in the house painted some ugly sort of beige when I first moved in, but apparently the ceilings are, too. Now my bedroom ceiling is bright, beautiful white. It boggles the mind how someone with any sense could intentionally paint everything in an inner townhouse, with a whopping 6 windows, some shade of light sucking beige. I just don't get it. The only answer I can decide on is that they really wanted to keep it dark. Maybe that way they wouldn't have to really see each other naked, even with the lights on.
I try very hard not to judge. I do. I met them at closing, they were not pretty. I guess I don't really blame them.
Oh... Valerie loves me! (sorry, can't get that song out of my head and thought I'd share)
Still here
Ok, so first, I'm still here in hell. I am going to have to leave soon because I have a lot of things I would like to do tonight. Well, not really but there is something that is time-specific on my list that I refuse to miss. I hate it here, btw. I will be leaving as soon as I can figure out where to go to because, to be honest jumping from one bad situation to who knows what has not proven to be the best idea (witness my job history) so I have decided that I need to make a plan (the hard part).
Then I must execute it. (the really hard and scary part)
But all of that is in the longer than immediate future. Tonight's list is as follows:
1. get out of hell
2. get home & into yoga clothes
3. go to yoga class and find inner peace and calm
4. pick up the dog (maybe 1a, but we'll see)
5. put the clothes in the dryer
6. spackle more in the bedroom so it's ready to paint tomorrow
Ok, so I think that's enough to be active with direction, without being too ambitious.
Iraq
I'm thinking about it more lately. I just found out that a pretty good friend of mine (I met her rowing) has just been deployed there and will be leaving within the next 2 weeks. Sucks. I'm not sure what part she's going to, but from what I've been able to discern even the "green" zones aren't really all that safe.
I'm not really excited to know that I now know for sure of one, and probably two, people that are over there. It's really not a good thing.
can you guess what it's doing right now???
If you said f*ing snowing, again, you would be right. Arughhhhhhhhhh! Enough already. I am so over being cold I can't even stand myself.
Ok, I'm better now. Just had to share.
good night
mwah
another dream
I figure whenever I remember one I'm going to tell you all (both) about it.
This one was in color, too, but it wasn't quite as "pc" as my last one so I am going to have to edit it a little because some of it is pretty gross and some of it was just weird and makes me question myself and where in the world my mind was or where this dream came from? So I guess I'll just paraphrase the icky part.
So I am somewhere, I think it may have been New York state but I'm not really sure becuse the only part of New York I've ever been to is the city, and it was not the city. I was visiting Ar & J (hi, btw) and we were in an apartment for about a second. Then we were on some big field that I think was a park. There were trees and grass and it was really nice out, not really day time but not dusk yet either. A lot of people were all out and about and we were going somewhere. Then we were watching 2 guys playing and singing, like at a small concert or something, inside a basement bar kind of place that wasn't a bar and wasn't smokey. And they knew the guys somehow but they guys were also famous. Then there was some whole bike/riding discussion (that I just sort of observed) and we were back outside again, and the light was the same. And I had to go to the bathroom b/c I had "girl" issues but we were no where near anything for like 20 miles and we were on foot. Then there was a spot-a-pot (which is gross and I don't use except in dire emergency) and a line, but then I was in and then I was flusing and it was like I was in a plane and when you flush it like sucks everything down with it and somehow something (a bag or keys or something like that) I had tied to myself that was really, really important got sucked in. And I could see the string and it was cotton, like you would use in cooking when you have to tie something together and not very durable and the force of the thing sucking my whatever away was insane and I knew there was no way that it was going to hold.
[The dream went on and it was gross and involved flushed (?) used panties and the like but I got whatever it was back out again. You'll be happy to know that Ar & J came in to help and didn't leave me stranded to deal with the problem on my own, btw.]
Then when we got out of the strangely clean spot-a-pot there was some man there with a suit on who was like a principal or something waiting for us. We explained what had happened and he seemed to accept it but told us that next time something like that happened to get one of their attention because they have the key. (? huh ?) And he showed us a big ring of keys and winked at us and when we looked around the field there were more of them, if you took the time to notice.
Then I woke up. I think I may be losing my mind or should possibly be put on some sort of medication or something...
y = 25
last night's dream
I have a little head cold. It is by no means anything like my early January near-death like experience. It upsets me a lot, however, since I should have a free pass. You know, I was sooo sick before, I shouldn't have to worry about getting sick again until at least next fall... apparently that's not to be the case and it sucks.
Because of this cold there have been some side effects - achy, sneezy, congested general crankiness (well, plus I'm PMSing pretty hard as it's 34 days and no sign of my friend) with an inability to sleep the night through and some really crazy dreams thrown in for fun. The whole reason I am bringing this up is the dream thing. I don't normally remember any of my dreams, and when I do there usually seems to be a reason for it. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure it our, though ;)
Last night I remembered my dream. Mostly. I should have told you all (or should I just say both of you?) about it sooner so I remembered more, but too late now.
I am dreaming, and I know I'm dreaming and I'm in my house. It doesn't really look like my house but it is - and it is a house. My X shows up, completely unexpected and looking like he did when we first started dating when I was in college, and asks me to marry him. He has some sort of red plastic box thing, that is also a ring (like you can get out of a gum ball machine) and the insanely huge "gem" on the top opens - and inside in some sort of strange circular holder thing, is a loose diamond. And it's big - like over 2 or 3k big - and he does the whole on the knee thing and all of that. I don't answer because I don't know what to say. I mean, like I wanted to say no, but I couldn't - and I had this crazy compulsion to call my Mom because if I talked to her I could tell him no and he would go away. But I can't call her because I know she's not there and I have to do this myself but I don't seem to be able to and I don't know why. And then somehow my house was the trailer that Bud lived in (from Kill Bill 2) and my X was topless. And his tattoos were all wrong. I mean, some of them are still there, and there were some new ones and somehow some of the old ones were covered over, but not really. Almost like he had make-up on top of them but it wasn't make-up - like he had flesh color tattooed over the tattoo and it was translucent. I asked him what happened and he said that he knew I didn't like the wizard (which I don't, it used to creep me out and give me nightmares) so he got it covered - but it was covered, sort of, with the fake make-up and another part with a new one of tigger. But it wasn't any tigger, but the one I drew on my angel niece's wall and that was strange and I was going to ask him about it...
Then my alarm went off. I hit snooze and tried to focus on what I remembered, because when I do sometimes I can get back into the dream... but not this time.
So, am I going crazy or what?
A little math
Ok, so those of you who know me are familiar with my whole math number thing and don't need to be told about it. If you don't, then just know that I have a math number thing and go with it, ok?
So yesterday morning I woke up and decided that I was tired of eating junk, junk, and more junk. I missed salads (?). I also miss fitting into my clothes without having to beg and plead for the zipper to pull up (well, it's not quite that bad, but it's how it feels). I know, I could always indulge my shopping obsession and just go buy more (bigger) clothes, but that's not the point ok. And who likes to go up a size, anyway? That's not fun shopping, that's just depressing.
Anyway, yesterday I decided I am going to go back to eating well. My junk food vacation was over. Oh, and when I get over this cold that has almost become part of normal reality, instead of an icky diversion from it, I am going to hit the gym with a vengeance - because, well to be honest I miss sweating (?).
Who knew these things were missable and why didn't they tell me? Maybe that information would have helped influence me into a different set of expectations for myself, my clothes and my body. Oh well, no use looking back.
So here's the thing - I'm not always all that motivated to sticking with the decisions I've made. I'm pretty sure I've explained how good I am at talking myself into and then back out of things on here somewhere else before... but whatever. I am also not comfortable with sharing with anyone exactly how much I weigh (it's a girl thing) and so I can't track it with hard numbers here. And since I have the whole math thing, I'm going to use a simple formula so you can help to keep me going, ok?
x - A = y
x = current weight (it's a variable)
A = Ali's desired weight (it's an unknown constant)
y = difference between the two (again, a variable)
Currently y = 27 (scary right?)
Ok, so I have a way to go, and actually A may be altered if we become super muscle bound rock hard girl since everyone knows that muscle weighs more than fat... but I at least need somewhere to start and some way to track my progress, ok?
