Fun while it lasted
So I admit it. I am a girl.Sometimes that really sucks.
I have been steadily thinking that I wanted to know what the boy thought about the thing that I realized I was beginning to think about calling a relationship. I was beginning to become emotionally involved. I was pretty sure he wasn't seeing anyone else, but I know (some of) his history and I was pretty confident he was not necessarily going to be there with me (if at all).
It got to the point that it didn't matter. In order to save myself any real trauma or pain I needed to bring it out into the open and "talk". I hate talking.
We did.
I was right in that he was not seeing anyone else. I was also right that he would not specifically be against seeing someone. I was a wrong in thinking that it would bother him, even a little, if I did. Apparently he would have been completely ok with it. I was not ok with that.
A lot not ok.
I told him I couldn't see him anymore.
I am very sad right now but I know it was the right thing to do. I am writing this because if I don't I may try and devise a way to "sort of" see him, which is not an option. With it in print and online for the world to see you can be my support when I am feeling weak, and my angel on the shoulder when I try and tell myself that I will be fine and it would not be a bad idea to just go hang out "as friends" (with the possibility for benefits of course)...
I am too far into thinking about this in a different way, and I am too open to him emotionally, for that to be possible now... before, no problem, but not now...
I am sad and I do have serious concerns about myself and my future... and I of course wonder if I will be able to allow myself to believe that someone out there could possibly, actually love me... because right now I do not believe it and that is what I am truly sad about...
posted by Ali @ 3:22 AM
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