Wondering
If this is it. I mean, is this all there is for me? Do I keep myself so insanely busy so that I don't have to slow down and realize that yes this, in fact, is everything. Because if it is and that is the case... how boring. I mean, what a gigantic let down.Or, is it that I keep myself so fucking busy that I don't have to put myself out there and really, actually allow something interesting to happen? That I am living a life driven by fear and the only way I have to mask it is to just keep going. All. The. Time.
I don't know.
I do know that I do not want to settle. On anything. Ever. But I wonder, is compromise to accommodate the wants, wishes and desires of another living, thinking, breathing, opinionated human the same as settling?
I try hard not to regret the actions and decisions of my past, even the really bad ones, because those experiences are what has helped to make exactly who I am at exactly this moment. However I have found myself recently revisiting some places in my life where I was not 100% certain which direction to go and I have been wondering how my life, and the lives of the people involved in those decisions, would be different if maybe I hadn't been so afraid; so rigidly opposed to "settling"...
I realize that the game "what if" is not a healthful one to play so I am going to offer this thought to the world and then try and let it go. It is my intention that, in the future, I am more mindful to the true motivations of my decisions and that I am able to see beyond my own fear and in precise understanding of what it is to settle.
love to you all
Ali
Oh... I am also wondering when I get to have sex again! (I know you were curious about that as well...)
posted by Ali @ 1:06 PM
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