Random Driving Thoughts
Ok, so I'm obviously NOT driving right now, but I went out for lunch to the mall. Yes, it is Christmas shopping season. Yes, the mall is usually crazy at lunch anyway, but I had to pick up a few things for my parents (I'm maybe 25% finished shopping at this point so yes, I HAD to do it)...Anyway, like I was saying. It was crazy... but, I had plenty of time to think. Plus, I'm so excited about having somewhere to put my thoughts down - that sort of feels like a conversation because someone could actually read it - and that doesn't make me feel like I'm losing my grip in reality - that I can barley stand it.
So this is what I was thinking about.
Well, if you don't know my or haven't figured it out by now, I talk a lot. Ramble, really, all over the place. If you would listen or pay attention you would be able to learn anything and everything about me. What makes me, me. How I think and all of that wonderful stuff. At least I think it's wonderful and I guess that's all that really matters, right?
I am also a fairly private person. Now I know what you're thinking, either a. she's kidding me, right? or b. she's kidding herself, or c. this is one dumb b*, doesn't she realize that anyone can look at this?
Well no, I am not kidding and yes, I probably am sort of kidding myself (more on that later, or not - whatever) and yes, I realize that if anyone actually took the time or bothered to care they could read each and every thought that I am having and writing down. I would say every thought, but my fingers aren't that fast... I'm just a step above 'hunt & peck' typing abilities...
The point is, WHO is going to bother to read it? Or find it? And would it really matter anyway? Are they going to be know me, or meet me? Probably not. Or, if they do, they've heard all my blather before so it'll be nothing new and they'll most likely just tune it out anyway. Which sort of brings me around to my point, or revelation, or whatever.
What about the people who do listen. The people who do bother to take the time, energy, effort? Well, then I guess this will be helpful to remind them of things that they may have forgotten or missed somewhere along the way.
But then I'm thinking (I think way too much btw if you hadn't noticed, and all this was during the 5 mile drive to the mall) maybe this is a bad thing. This is a bad way to be. And writing it down may even be worse. Why? Well, because this way people know where my weakness lies. They can use it to hurt me and to control me. They can feed into the things that hurt me, then make me need them by knowing just what to say and what to do to make the hurt go away. Or not hurt, but they would know exactly what to say and do to completely win me. Then they could get me to do whatever, however they want. They could make me need them. That's very not good.
Why would they do that? What could be so wrong with someone, to be that evil to do such a thing? I don't know. I've known a few people like that in my life so far. I hope I don't meet anymore, but I don't think that's something that I can control. I seem to attract them like ants.
It kills me, too, because sometimes I see it happening. I see them paying attention and noticing and remembering. What? Well, everything. All the stupid inane things I say, and the apparently really important things that are somehow hidden within. And then they act on them. It feels great. It feels wonderful. I begin to float. To be happy. Just to think of them makes me smile and relax and feel warm and comfortable and safe. Everything is going to be OK and I know it.
Then it starts. The pain. The abandonment. The sadness. The loneliness. The insecurities. It sucks.
I handle it in different ways. I don't know why. I think my coping mechanism is screwed up. I try to control it (the coping) and mostly succeed. By mostly I mean, I don't know if it's truly working or not. Or if I am actually the one constantly seeking the same person, just in different bodies, to keep repeating the same pattern until I stop trying to control it and just let it happen. Maybe then I could progress onto some other form of disfunction, I don't know.
Or maybe I'm suppose to learn and change myself. In which case, this is definitely not the right way to go (see above). I don't think that's the case, though, but we'll see. It's an adventure, if nothing else and that's always a good thing.
There are a lot of things about myself that I don't know. I don't want to, what fun would that be? I like to know some things, most I guess, but not all. There needs to be some surprise, some mystery, even for myself.
I guess this is the end for now. If you bothered to read this far, thanks. If you're shaking your head because you think I'm nuts, that's ok. Just smile and know that right now all is right with the world.
posted by Ali @ 1:42 PM
1 Comments:
Oh Ali, I know your nuts but I still love you tons.
:)
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