Self-destruct
I am starting to realize that I am locked on a self-destruct setting. I'm not sure when it started but am ready for it to end. Beyond ready. I don't know how far I'm going to have to go until it stops. Until I can stop it. If I can stop it. Where is my "bottom" that I have to hit before I can climb out again? I've been trying to get out of it for a while I realize but instead of it stopping, it's just becoming more and more destructive and negative. I'm becoming (or at least it feels that I am) more hurtful to not just myself but others as well. I feel as if I am out of control and I don't know what to do about it.I've lost control of my house. By that I mean, it's out of control clutter. Just unbelievable. I look around and it scares me because I didn't see it happening. It's like I woke up one day and it was just there all of the sudden. Almost surreal. I guess part of it is because I was always able to get things away and make it look nice. The truth was that I was able to hide it. Then it got so bad there was no where left to put things. It was beyond the point of no return. (I say was because for the entire month of December my Mom - love her a lot, btw - and I have been purging a lot of it. I don't know if this is a "fix", or to be taken as a sign that things are going up, or if it's just a way to delay and that in a month or three I will find it right back to as bad as it had been... or worse. I don't know but it's a very real possibility and that frightens me more than I can say.)
I don't remember the last time I had a gym routine. I love the gym. I love to work out and get sweaty. I love to look at myself and see the changes, to see myself getting stronger. It feels great. I have tried to get myself into a routine. I want to go back and spend an hour or two there every day. I miss the gym. I don't seem able to do it. I can't make it last more than a week, maybe two, in a stretch. And I've been eating - a lot - and a lot of junk. It's not good. I try to focus and be good but just find myself making up more creative ways of turning things that should be good for me, into things that aren't.
For whatever reason I am not letting myself.
The newest trend that I've become aware of are some seriously dangerous thoughts and compulsions. I have been thinking about quitting my job. Normal feeling right? Well yes, but no. I don't have another job waiting for me. I don't have someone to swing the bills until I get another job. I don't really want another job right now. I don't really want anything but to not be doing whatever it is that I am doing. I want to quit my job, buy a new car and go on a trip. I don't feel like paying my bills. I can, I have money in the bank, but I just don't feel like it. I want to commit financial suicide. I want to gamble with my house and my future. I mean, why not? It's not like it would make any difference to anyone and then at least there'd be a reason for the day. A reason to work. I would have to. I'm just not sure if I would.
What is wrong with me?
I totally accept responsibility for this state I'm in. I just don't know how to end it. Why do I always need help? Why can't I do this on my own? Why can't I seem to be able to take care of myself?
I feel like I am in constant search for a distraction because there is something, and I am being completely honest with you when I say that I truly don't know what it is, but there must be something that I am trying not to face. Not to see. Which is why I need the distraction.
But what if there's not? What if the thing that I'm most afraid of is that there is nothing. No one. Is that what I'm trying to prove to myself, that I am completely and totally alone when all is said and done? That at the end of the day I don't really matter, in the grand scheme of things?
God I hope not. If that is the case I have a lot further to go before the end and I don't think I'd make it...
posted by Ali @ 8:54 AM
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