My World
Ok so I am back and it is decidedly good.Last night I had a little freak out. Actually, wait, before you get too far into this you need to know a few things. 1 - I am all over the place today in my own head and as much as I try to make these things flow or connect in some sort of logical chain (I know, I'm a BIG GIANT MATH DORK) I don't think I'm going to be able to today so just try and stay with me the best you can, ok? Or maybe by prefacing it like that there won't be a problem so then you'll think, ok so she's so totally full of herself and gives her - I don't know what to call it - inner dialogue - I guess that works - WAY TOO MUCH credit. But whatever. I felt I should say it so I did.
And 2 - I am going to try and finish this before I have to go but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I have sooooooo much that I want to say but I've got to be somewhere at 12 and I don't know how long this is going to take (I'm getting my second round of professional highlights so I'll be just a touch more red - which is a very good thing - done today).
Ok, so back to the freak out. I was not in a good place yesterday. My first formal observation is Friday and I had to have the lesson and all corresponding documentation in and it was a PSAT test day - so all the classes but one were shortened - and the kids have another chapter test (which they totally suck at because the test is really hard) coming up soon - either next Thursday or early the following week. I would LOVE to give it Friday but that's a teacher work day - so they won't be there to take it. I don't want to give it the Monday after a 3 day weekend either, but that may be my only choice... I don't know, we'll see. I still really think doing it Thursday may be best... I don't want to think about it anymore now though.
So stress.
Then my parents are still gone so I am in charge of taking care of both dogs and both houses. So more stress.
And I don't have anyone to just talk and de-stress to - and there's no one around to just give me a hug, hold my hand and tell me it's going to be OK. And at this moment that's what I need. Or at least just a hug.
I would really like for someone to hold me.
I am still not in a good place, but it's slightly better. I cried and that let some of it out. I also talked to my X and that helped a lot. As much as I question if it's a good idea that we stay in contact, in the long run for both of us and our emotional/mental health, I appreciate that we are and that we do. I've not done that whole "be friends" thing with people I've dated before and I don't specifically plan to in the future, but the relationship that my X and I have defies my ability to define. To use a line that I abhor, "it is what it is", but in this case it fits.
Anyway, so that was last night. Today I slept in until 630, which made me very happy. I got up and had every intention of being productive, at a leisurely pace, but productive all day. I went over to my Mom's (Big Dog wanted to stay there last night - that's a whole other story maybe for later if I remember) so I needed to get her and let her out and so forth.
Well, I had left the TV on for her so she wouldn't be alone and I think it was on ShowTime. Either way it was some movie called, I believe, The Shape of Things, and I got sucked in. I had missed only maybe 10 minutes. It is apparently based on a play and definitely had that same disconnected feel. It was good, but I don't want to say that because I don't like what it made me think about and feel inside. But then, that's what makes a movie so good, isn't it?
I highly recommend it to anyone who is open minded. It has a whole "art film" feel so don't go into it thinking blockbuster. I want to talk about it more, and I think I would like to see it again - to get the perspective of already knowing the end to see how my thoughts about/reactions to change - but if I do I will run the risk of ruining your experience of it so I won't talk about it more. And to be honest, I don't think I will actually see it again because other than the ones I own I don't remember the last time I was at the movies...
But then I have been thinking about trust and people and all of that lately, what with all the new people suddenly in my life. I think I have been too easy letting them in, completely in, and that's another stress because they are showing to be maybe not so worthy of the trust that I seem to naturally, if I want to or not, give them. I don't believe in the trust that I have for them, but it's there nonetheless - if that makes any sense.
If you know me at all then you know that I live and exist in a world that I have created. I have been in and tried the whole, face and see and be in reality thing and it doesn't work for me. Sorry, but no. I don't think it's a bad thing. I like my world. For me it is a beautiful, safe and almost magical, enchanted place. (I really just wanted to use the word enchanted, it popped into my mind earlier when I was in the car listening to the radio and I can't seem to get it out. Oh, another reason I had to go to Mom's was to get my Mommom's car keys and then take them to the mechanic in Pasadena because apparently she didn't leave the right key for them when she went away and they couldn't work on her car. After I left Mom's I went over there and that's when I was in the car doing all this thinking.)
I believe that part of why the people who do like me, like me, do so because of the place that I live. It's not a physical dwelling, but more of a frame of mind or existence. They also believe, at least for a little while, like I do and it's wonderful and magical and it makes you smile and feel good inside. (I'm concerned that that's not going to come through the way I intend but I don't know how else to phrase it - so please just go with it)
The problem comes when there are people randomly let in who don't have my best interest at heart. Not that it needs to be "The Ali Show" but when I interact with others I always try to keep their best interest at heart and I need the same thing from them in return. When it's not there is when I start to have problems. My stress level builds and I am not able to deal or cope at all. I am no longer safe in myself.
Which means that I need to be much more discerning (and I don't think that's the right word but I'm going with it) about who I let in and how far. I need something from them in return so that there is some type of two-way commitment. Otherwise, it's all risk for me and none for them - unless you are a wonderfully amazingly good person who wouldn't go along for the ride for a little while - figuring out your intentions - and see what you can see then leave when you're done? I don't blame them, I just need to be more responsible for myself. The others need to have something to lose as well in order to ensure that they are aware of what they are doing to me (because, honestly, I do know that you don't necessarily realize that it may hurt someone when you get that close if they let you in so easily) and know that they're ok with it, and more so that I am getting in and that close to them as well. That, I think, may be the key.
Anyway, so I am sorry. I am not sure what I am trying to say. I think mostly I am trying to sort out my own head right now. If you got this far, groovy. If you just skipped ahead that's cool, too. You didn't really miss too much. I still feel that it's disjointed and I have more that I wanted to say but my fingers are cold and I need to do the dishes.
I'll talk to you more later on.
Me
posted by Ali @ 10:05 AM
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