Wilderness
So I have been reading this self-helpish book - sad, I know but I've been stuck in my head so long that I feel like I am running around in circles in the dark and I don't know how to get out, so maybe some outside influence can help me to shed some light into whatever it is that's going on in there - wow, anyway, self-help book.It's by a woman for women to read and (hopefully) identify with and then overcome whatever it is that's they've been using to hold themselves back. Lovely. It has all sort of interesting and inspiring things to say and it's been lovely and la la la. Yesterday I read a chapter titled 'Wilderness' while on my lunch break and it was just as interesting and so on as all the others. No big deal.
Did I remember to tell you that I had to referee in Owings Mills last night? I did, so it's the night of getting home late and the long drive up and back. On my way home I was just flipping around on the radio (yes, I am a compulsive flipper) and I hit a station that reminded me of my X. You know the one of a thousand years and a thousand times as many tears? And something clicked. Like WOW! Lightning, light bulb, camera flash and all of that. Just for a second, but something connected and I started thinking.
Maybe, just maybe, I have been in a wilderness of my own. Self imposed or not, the more I considered it, it fit. I've been in it. And it's been terrible. And maybe all the people I've dated since then aren't what I let myself think that they would be because somewhere inside I knew that they weren't but I'm so good at lying to myself on the surface I was able to believe it for a while. But the exciting flash thought, possibility, was that maybe there was a reason for this self-deception. That it was serving a purpose. That I was actually teaching myself something.
And what, did I realize, was I trying to teach myself? Well, that it is OK to be attracted to and possibly fall in love with people who were similar to my X. Now, before you start to freak out, let me explain a little ok? I loved my X. A lot. He was (well, is I guess) funny, intelligent, attractive (I thought so at least and that's all that mattered, tattoos, piercing and all) and just plain old easy wonderful fun to be around. He was a smart ass and kept me thinking (which I love) and on my toes. He made me feel good. He made me feel beautiful. He knew me inside and out and loved me anyway (physical icky-ness, neurosis, paranoia and all). When he and I were dating, I could be a million miles away with no other person around and I never felt alone.
So, you ask, why is he my X if he made me feel this way? Well, because he was mean. I didn't realize it at the time, but there actually is a difference between being a smart ass, teasing and poking fun and just being mean. Usually he would be fun, teasing smart ass, but every now and again he would be mean. Saying things that hurt, to hurt, on purpose just because it hurts. And he lied to me about just about anything, just because he could. Because I would believe him. And he cheated on me. And he used drugs and lied to me about it, saying he was clean and had been for a few years. He wasn't. And so on and so forth.
Ok, so why did it take me so long to see what he was doing, and like why didn't I leave him sooner? (Hear the blonde inflection?) Well, I was in school and he was at home. I would see him over the weekends and he would usually call me because then he had the long distance bill, not me. So who knew where he was really calling from or what he was doing? I didn't have caller ID, why would I care? When I finished school and came home full time was when the lies no longer covered his actions because I was there. And I'm really not that stupid. Naive certainly, but not a complete idiot.
It ripped my heart out and tore my life apart. Everyone knew but me. It was like I was the one living the lie. Everyone was part of it. I couldn't trust anyone. Everything I had believed in was a lie; nothing was real. Even if if was it didn't matter because how could I tell if it was or wasn't and I was just being lied to all over again? I've never felt so abandoned and alone in my life. I was sent spiraling into a deep, dark endless place of nothing.
After a while I started dating again and found that I would very easily, and fairly quickly, "fall in love" with whomever it was that I was seeing. I do think that in my way I loved them, but I don't believe I was in love. It's difficult to explain, but once you've been there you can lie to yourself all you want, and you may buy it for a while depending on why it is that you are deceiving yourself, but it won't last forever. None of my relationships did.
Anyway, so I'd be with them and they were all so different from each other. The thing they had in common is - they were absolutely, completely NOTHING like my X. They became a false light for me. I would out of the darkness I had been thrown into for a time, but it was never real. As time has gone on I've put more little lights between myself and my X. The flash made me realize that I may have actually been learning, slowly of course, but surly. That's encouraging. The first pseudo-love lasted the longest, and the rest have been shorter and shorter. The last one, well it's embarrassing to admit, but we actually talked about the "m" word, but it was the shortest yet. At the end there was something inside of me that just revolted. I threw him out of my house (literally, he had basically moved himself in, without asking and without warning) and out of my life.
I believe that was a turning point for me. I was so astonished at what I had done I could harldy believe it; but at the same time it felt so Good. So liberating.
I don't know what the future holds for me (obviously) but I hope I have learned my lesson and that I can remember it when I begin to feel weak. I am not out of the dark wilderness, but I do believe I am starting to see a true light.
posted by Ali @ 4:43 PM
4 Comments:
Good for you!!!!! I'm glad that all clicked! And... you and I are gonna have a CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER CUP ICE CREAM date some night... cause lord that shit is amazing!!!!
al's - yes i renamed you. just saying i'm alive, if you haven't been able to tell from the gf's blog. call me whenever you are free... preferably after 9pm.
love you
miss you (hot cocoa isn't the same with out you.)
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Hooray! Arleigh is ALIVE!!! jk, I did know it b/c of J's blog but it's nice to have it confirmed - and to know it's not just some crazy pseudo computer alibi that she's dreamed up... ;)
Yes. We will all have ice cream. And it will be good. And the world will be a happy place.
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