Back in hell
So yes, I am back at work. I am still sick and I'm so tired I feel like I am going to pass out. Why am I here then? Well, a few reasons really.First, I am tired of my couch. Second, I am tired of my Mom's couch. Third, I don't really think I am ever going to feel better and I'm going to have to come back here at some point and now's just as good a time as any, right?
I need to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life so I can get out of here and get on with it. Any suggestions? Oh, and please keep in mind that I need to be able to make my mortgage and have health insurance in whatever it is that I do because I am a self supporting single. So please don't tempt me with the suggestion that I become a hair braiding bead making alterna beach chick. That would just be mean.
For a long time I was very proud of the fact that I was a self supporting single and while I am very glad that I do not live with Mommy & Daddy, I am starting to question just how "good" the situation I am in is. Maybe having to share my space with another would force me to do and to act. Maybe it would get me out of this complacent place that I seem to find myself stuck in.
Interesting thought and something I need to spend more time considering.
Or maybe not.
Maybe I am feeling this way, and having these specific thoughts because, surprise of surprises, I heard from the X.
There I was, getting myself psyched up to go to bed the other night and the phone rang. It was after 930 and I was actually a bit upset because anyone who matters and would be calling knew I was sick so why were they calling me? But it was him. He was drunk (I know, you're shocked). He kept on with the same crap he always calls about. It's old. I feel bad but I don't know what else I can do to help him get over this - this what? Guilt? Remorse? Regret? - whatever. Yes, he did bad things to me and yes, for a long time I blamed him. I don't anymore. By that I mean, I forgive him for hurting me. I do not have any intention to taking him back or even considering taking him back, which is what he wants, but I forgive him. It's over. It's done. I am who I am for better or worse and that's it. There is nothing to be gained from playing "what if" so I don't.
But then he calls. And I cry. I can't help it. I think I'm safe and I'm ok, and all he has to do is call and it's all open again and I cry. And I hate it. Why does he still have this ability, this control over me? What can I do to make it stop? To kill it? Should I make it stop? If I am able will it be the end of all my ability to experience feeling and compassion? Is it just something that I should know about myself and allow it to live, in the past and just accept that I have been able to move on but that it will always be?
I have fought so hard to recover myself from that relationship, to remember who I am and who I want to be. Not that I have it figured out or anything, but I feel like I am getting there. I am making progress.
He just found out he's been reassigned to the desert. I don't know which one, and I didn't ask. I'm sure it's not good.
I just don't know what to do.
posted by Ali @ 1:33 PM
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