Performance Anxiety
The problem about not being with someone for a while is that you lose the easy connection and quiet confidence about your ability to please someone. You start thinking about it and worrying, then you become plagued by the dreaded performance anxiety. Before you even have someone that you're interested in going to dinner with, let alone get naked with, if it's been long enough you start to doubt yourself.When I express these feelings to friends they tell me I'm crazy; they doubt my sincerity. They accuse me of being completely confident in my abilities and do not believe that I have any of the anxiety that I do, truly, feel.
The thing is that the anxiety really comes in thinking about the situation - the lead up to and in to - once it starts, desire and instinct and interest, attraction all take over. It's not my abilities that I am confident in - I am confident in my desire. My desire for the person, my desire to please the person, and my desire to do what pleases me. I have faith in my desire, attraction and more importantly I have faith in my ability to surrender to it. To stop fighting it, give in and allow it to be realized.
The tease is fun because you know, at any point you can give in. You can allow it to be. But, by holding back the desire, the want, the need builds. It consumes. It brings itself only into focus; almost to the exclusion of everything else. Then, if you do surrender it's ripened, ready to be fully realized for everything that it is and can be.
But the anxiety is there. It is real. But then I wonder, maybe that is a big part of what makes the final consummation so satisfying?
posted by Ali @ 10:41 AM
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