Energy
Tonight is the last night of indoor at Owings Mills, which is good and bad. Good because I don't have that long drive up and back every Tuesday or Wednesday night, and bad for the same reason. Plus I will miss the extra cash in the pocket, but that's the nature of this job and nothing to be too concerned with.Anyway, so I was driving home and thinking. And part of me thinks that I need to take longish drives more often because they do allow me to think about and around things and it seems to help with the happiness level. Either that, or I need to get off my butt and get to the foot doctor so he can break then re-set my baby toe so it doesn't hurt and then I can start running again. I think a lot when I do that, too and it doesn't cost as much for gas...
I also came to the realization that the painting of my room is the first "major" improvement I've done to my house that I didn't have a S.O. helping with. The X helped move in and do the initial paint of the upstairs, rip down the heinous wall paper in the basement and other misc things. Then when I put in the wood floor (oh, and you're just going to have to understand that I don't really want to specifically name anyone here so I'm just going to make up something to reference them and that's how they'll forever be identified - or at least that's the plan), so when I put in the wood floor smoky helped (and yes, we're actually still friends - it didn't last long enough for me to rip him apart with all of my screwy-ness or to make him hate me). Oh, and before that the mamma's boy even helped paint the living room.
Apart from my parents, I did this one all alone. I think that's going to prove to be a good thing.
Because, see I was having this inner dialogue about my most recent relationship with satan about all the fights we had and why I stayed as long as I did and so on. And I was remembering something that a good friend of mine told me, "you take a lot of energy to be around - in a good way - because you give all that energy back". I found that interesting because I didn't really realize that I took all that much energy to be around and be with, but I guess I do. Satan comes into the discussion when you realize that he was an energy vampire.
I like to think of people as energy and light. We are naturally attracted to those who have and give it freely, they are nice to be around and get tired of or prefer not to be around those who just take and take. That's why a sexual encounter can be so amazing - because you are so intensely giving and receiving at the same time - like a circuit that just builds on itself until it can barely be contained, if at all. It's energizing and filling. It's wonderful and makes you shine. That singular event has the potential to be something beyond description and wholly positive; unparalleled by any other. Nothing short of amazing.
Let me back up a little. The X, my first "real" relationship as far as I'm concerned. I am a giver by design and he gave back, kinda. So we lasted a long time. The problem came in when you looked a little closer and realized that although he gave back and made me feel beautiful, he also did a lot of damage at the same time that I was unaware of either because I truly didn't know, or more likely wouldn't let myself realize. When I finally got myself out, and the off again on again dance we played was, for the most intensive parts, over - I was drained.
Then I took some time off and the next relationship was with the mamma's boy. He was sweet and like I said, completely opposite from X. I didn't realize it at the time, but not only were we not a good match, but he really truly did try to give me what I needed. He gave as much as he could, but it just wasn't enough. He loved me to the best of his ability, and for that I am grateful. It helped me a lot. I started to "re-charge" myself in that relationship and regained some of what had been lost. He also helped to repair some of the damage that had been done. Ultimately it didn't work out, but we ended it well together, with minimal hard feelings as far as I know.
Then there was a brief relationship with smoky, who was a friend then mistakenly became a relationship then went back to being a friend. I'm lucky that it worked out the way it did because he is a good guy and very supportive and sweet. I would have been sad to lose his friendship and I could have if I would have been weaker and allowed myself to use the relationship to boost myself up. You know, to re-energize so to speak. This turned out to be a "push" - I didn't get worse but I also didn't get any better.
Finally I moved onto satan (just when you'd given up all hope that I could maybe, possibly, return to whatever flimsy point I was trying to make with this post). He was just a PITA and a half. (pain in the ...) We dated not even 6 months and he had, for all intents and purposes, moved himself into my home. MY HOME. I didn't notice it happening, but when I threw him out (quite literally as it turns out) I realized just how much of his crap was there. Not to mention the fact that he NEVER slept in his own place - in downtown Annapolis! (Can you feel my jealousy seeping through the screen???) Granted, he rented but still - to live there - just too much fun to imagine.
I was paralyzed. Everything about him was draining. He just took every ounce of energy you had, used it up, and asked for more. It was too much. We fought from the beginning. I was just still so blinded by what had happened in my past that I didn't see it at first. Once I finally did I can't even imagine how it all started to begin with. Some desperate, pathetic thing inside just decided I couldn't be alone. That I needed to be with someone. Anyone. It was bad. It almost killed me. I almost made the worst mistake of my life. I have a very strong inclination that there may have been some jewelry purchased by him for me that has a very specific, very stated purpose. And unlike in my dream the other night, I don't know if I would have had the presence of mind to say no.
I am free. I let it go. I got rid of that which made me believe I needed anyone (the desparate need of anyone, anything to just not be alone). I am FREE.
I am also lonely.
It's sad - but it's ok because it's getting better. I am getting better. It's a very nice feeling and has it's origins in a number of small factors that all converged at just the right instant. I had a brief encounter with someone and something about them made something in my head go CLICK and I changed. I have wonderful friends who love me and remind me with themselves that I am not alone. I have someone who is both a friend and amazing person who gave me this. And a million other little things that just joined together to bring me back from the bad I was living.
My emotional energy is coming back, it's growing. I am not feeling so empty. I think the click may have been the last push I needed to finally be over and heal from the X. I don't know, won't know until I am tested again, but I believe it is and that is good.
I believe. I hope. That is good.
(started: 8 Feb @ 920pm, ended 9 Feb @ 630pm)
posted by Ali @ 9:20 PM
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