unhappy
I have recently been very cranky and somewhat emotionally unstable. Like more than normal. Everything would be fine then, BOOM, I would flip at nothing and became completely unable to control myself or my reaction. I would cry. I would scream. I would rant and I would rage.You know how I like to be in control. I recognized that there was something going on but didn't really know or understand what was happening so I just blamed it on stress, hormones, etc. and kept on keeping on.
Just like always.
I am very good at self-deception as I do believe I've told you before.
Then I sat down with my supervisor (of all people) for a regularly scheduled meeting/performance review sort of thing. Basically it's a bitch fest on my part because you know how I hate it here in hell and I am very good at identifying and expressing my hate. He knows and expects this and so do I. No matter how I attempt to keep it positive, there is always the underlying badness of it all.
Anyway, so while we were talking he asked me something that I wasn't prepared to answer and hadn't allowed myself to look at previously. "What specifically is it about here that I hate?" and "What could change that would make (me) not hate coming to work here in the morning?"
Hmm.
Things I hate about this place
- Petty, back stabbing people who are looking for things to "tattle" on you about (here's a secret - I am not perfect - ok, now pass it on so people stop getting so excited when they realize it on their own that they have to share any little imperfection I have with the world, ok?)
- Unrealistic expectations. As in, you are given specific things to accomplish that when given by the supervisor he tells you he knows that taking care of all of them would be impossible to accomplish but gives them anyway. Do you have any idea how demoralizing it is to consistently be set up to fail and have no way to succeed?
- I hate being treated like a child. In order to be out sick there must be a doctor's note. In order to use EARNED LEAVE, of any sort, you need approval by 2 different people. Even though I was hired with "flex time" it's not flex time - if I am not going to be in my normal hours I have to get approval (so if I am feeling bad and want to come in an hour later than normal, rather than just sleep in and work late I have to get up and call in which leads to the 'since I'm up already may as well go in and get it over with' feeling).
- I hate people being all up in my business. If it was something you needed to know, you would. If you are part of the right clique, or your skin is the correct color (and no, I am not kidding you here and no, white is not the "right" color) you can do nothing and are not held accountable for anything. Otherwise you are watched constantly - and heaven forbid you're gone more than the "allotted time" for lunch. It's like high school all over again and the gossip is insane and contstant about EVERYTHING. Not just the good stuff, but literally EVERYTHING. Like, when you walk in, how long you're gone, where you go, why you've gone, how much vacation you, how much you use, and so on. Get over it. I was never part of any crowd in school; I just sort of floated and did my own thing. I am not and have no desire to be part of a crowd now.
- Structure/mode of business. A large majority of the work rests with a small number of people - and if there is any complication in what happened it has to go through 10 people to finally resolve anything. Work is constantly being repeated over and over and it's such a waste of time, energy and resources.
- No Team concept. I believe in the team concept and sportsmanship and that is the mentality that I live. Taken broadly enough it can be applied to everything. No one here is a team player and there is no benefit to be one. In fact, it can be to your disadvantage to be "team" here.
Which all just boils down to an environment of negative energy. It's a bad place to be. It wears on your everything. When I wake up and have to come in I spend a little time "surrounding myself in good" like a little "bubble" of protection. It's getting harder and harder to maintain the separation.
My sanity comes from lacrosse. Which is also a source of stress for me at this time. And a big drain on any and all personal time I have. I want it because it is a place of happy. I have to be careful because I can and have neglected my life and responsibilities for it and the good and positive it brings. I hurt myself and my relationships for it and that, in the end, is very not good.
Now that I have been forced to see and look at what is happening and what I am doing to myself I can no longer no see it. I have to do something. My problem is that I'm not sure what that something is.
Sometimes I wish I could call for a time out, talk to the coach and devise a new plan.
posted by Ali @ 8:42 AM
2 Comments:
Hey Ali,
Wow. That work environment sounds tough. You seem very aware of what it is that specifically frustrates you...
What'd your supervisor say in response? Did he offer any recommendations?
A lot of those things you stated sound like external factors that aren't neccessarily something you can work to change...
What do you do for a living anyway??
Anyway, as I always suggest to anyone who is unemployed, unhappy with their current job, or looking for something new... I ask the question, "Have you ever considered social work?"
ha.
I asked 3 different people at the Wilco concert last night alone. I got one taker whom I'm hoping to get a job at my agency. ha. Anyway, the pay sucks, fer sure. The stress is high. But it's fun, laid-back, overly-supportive work environment and an expectation that you will consistently and constantly be aware and vocal about your feelings about EVERYthing. Which is a good thing, I think. Makes for a good work envinroment. Though we do have mice everywhere, a leaky roof, no parking and a general lack of safety.
So. It's hard to find a balance I guess. But honestly, it sounds like you could use a change. To anything. Social work or not!
Thank God for lacrosse!
Good luck. Keep on, keepin on.
peace,
LC
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