Hmmmm...?
So wow. Really? I guess the answer is yes. I am doing this again. I know there is zero audience, but I still feel the need and compulsion to "speak" as if there were.
I am avoiding grading. It's well past the 11th hour, and yet here I am. Still avoiding. I don't know why. I don't understand the point. I think it's because I am nervous and stressed and freaking out a little about teaching the BC section of my AB/BC calc class... but I don't really know. I truly HATE doing grades, so I can't just "decide" that's the reason or the problem.
I just want to drink the night away and stop worrying about it... which is of course not an answer. I really want us to not have school tomorrow so I can continue to avoid the whole thing, but I don't think I am going to get that lucky. Although, who knows? Maybe we will since SO MANY people still do not have power.
I don't know. I guess I just need to suck it up and do my job.
I was doing so well. Keeping up on grades (mostly) and my dishes and my house and even dropped TON of weight... what has happened? I hope it's not too late to stop the back-slide. I am still hovering at my lightest and I DO NOT want to gain the weight back or let my house go to shit. Actually, I've really been enjoying living a "normal" and happy life.
Whatever it is that I am afraid of, please present yourself so I can deal with you or GO AWAY. I like myself like this.
Nothing Much
So there is, like I said, nothing much new going on. Jamie and I went to a pirate thing this weekend which was a lot of fun. I am now the proud owner of not one but
two pirate flags. (One for the front by the door and one off the back deck, duh.) I am considering quite seriously instituting an annual "pirate party" over the summer to be held, in costume, at my home... that would be a LOT of fun!
My fingers hurt from working on my tribal bra and I don't even think the stupid thing is going to fit. It really pisses me off; more than I want to think about. My Mom got home from the beach and looked and it and she thinks we may be able to salvage this one, but if not it shouldn't be too bad finding one that does fit and should work... I am just so annoyed that I spent so much time on it and it is so wrong. That makes me sad. I guess I should be happy because at least the stupid thing is not finished. The trim and a row of ornamentation is on, but I did not attach the coins yet so I guess I should be happy about that.
I am starting to realize the symptoms of my apprehension and nervousness about the coming school year which starts in a week. I find myself wanting to eat, all the time, and crap. Ice cream and chips and other stuff that is very not good for me. I am trying to realize that the only reason I want it is because I am feeling stressed and apprehensive about it, but it doesn't help the fact that I still want it. But, it has helped me to resist. Some.
Anyway, so I should stop writing about nothing. I am sorry to those people who feel that a "blog" should be about "something" relative or helpful to others. Mine is about me. It is my diary. That I know others can read it helps me to hold true to myself.
I hope you all are well.
All of my love to you.
Ali
Wondering
If this is it. I mean, is this all there is for me? Do I keep myself so insanely busy so that I don't have to slow down and realize that yes this, in fact, is everything. Because if it is and that is the case... how boring. I mean, what a gigantic let down.
Or, is it that I keep myself so fucking busy that I don't have to put myself out there and really, actually allow something interesting to happen? That I am living a life driven by fear and the only way I have to mask it is to just keep going. All. The. Time.
I don't know.
I do know that I do not want to settle. On anything. Ever. But I wonder, is compromise to accommodate the wants, wishes and desires of another living, thinking, breathing, opinionated human the same as settling?
I try hard not to regret the actions and decisions of my past, even the really bad ones, because those experiences are what has helped to make exactly who I am at exactly this moment. However I have found myself recently revisiting some places in my life where I was not 100% certain which direction to go and I have been wondering how my life, and the lives of the people involved in those decisions, would be different if maybe I hadn't been so afraid; so rigidly opposed to "settling"...
I realize that the game "what if" is not a healthful one to play so I am going to offer this thought to the world and then try and let it go. It is my intention that, in the future, I am more mindful to the true motivations of my decisions and that I am able to see beyond my own fear and in precise understanding of what it is to settle.
love to you all
Ali
Oh... I am also wondering when I get to have sex again! (I know you were curious about that as well...)
Beach
I am here. It is good.
I spent last night (after class) driving in the rain and lightning to get here. I arrived a little after midnight and it was totally worth it. I spent the day sleeping in (thank you Cammi dog for letting me) and then made myself breakfast while everyone else was out.
Went shopping with Mom to get things to entertain the kids for the weekend, but now it turns out that they may not be coming. Who knows? Either way, W.
I was VERY LUCKY to spend most of the day at the beach. Now, since I am now apparently allergic to sunblock, I made sure to flip, flip, flip and am (luckily) not burnt. Once there was enough cooking at the beach headed home for happy hour and then dinner. After dinner we played with the fiddle sticks and then it was time for toe painting. Mom and Mommom opted for the dark pink w/ rainbow sparkles and I went with the indigo with sparkles.
My toes are hott.
Tomorrow I will spend the day here and get tan and we'll see if the kids make it out...
Hope you all have a fabulous fourth. Remember what freedom is, means, and costs.
love to the world.
mwah
Did I mention???
Hi
Did I mention that I had a tournament this past weekend? Because I did. And, did I further mention that sex is good? Because it is. Not that I am having any, but I am apparently still living a borderline OCD life and it is on my mind... a lot.
So the tournament was in NJ and it went well. Nothing was canceled because of weather and that is good. The large majority of officials showed up and that is even better.
I am very tired and very happy to be done and on my way home to my very own bed, in my very own house, with my very own dog and no one and nothing to bother us in our solitude until I deem it time. THIS is a VERY GOOD THING.
I sincerely hope that everything is good in your part of the world and I love you all.
Positive thoughts to the universe.
<3
Ali
NoBody Reads This
So I know that no one actually reads this anymore but it still makes me sad since I have decided to pick it back up again. I like having an electronic conscience and miss that it is only my own reflected back to me. I hope you all are having fun and such. I will expect some something soon.
I am tired of wanting sex and not having it. I am also tired of being in control of relationships where I could most likely have sex having to be the one to say "no"- what is that shit all about I don't know - I ask you?
Anyway, so I feel very attractive (if not beautiful) and I have no where to go and no one to do. Why is life such a waste sometimes?!?!?!??!?!!
Love to you all
Ali
<3
An End.. and a New Beginning?
So I am officially done with Southern Middle School. And I may be joining Chesapeake High School as a... drum roll please... calculus teacher!!! How F*
ing awesome is that? I am about to die. If it actually happens I will let you know (once my heart has been re-started). If I go there I will also be teaching either Algebra 2 (which will be fun) or Geometry (which would be AWESOME because I already have all the resources and lessons and worksheets and all of that happy stuff).
I am going to see a fantastic band tonight,
Telesma, at The Whiskey in Annapolis and that is exciting in itself. It's even more exciting because they travel with Belly Dancers! Hooray for dancing!
I am so excited to start my summer off with a very promising interview, a concert with friends and dancing, and then tomorrow I am going to the Potomac Celtic Festival in Virginia and picking up my hand made black leather pants! This is almost too exciting. Oh, and I am working on another encounter with my friend, which is a VERY GOOD thing.
Much love to you all -
MWAH!
<3
Ali
