Waiting for my endless summer...

Hmmmm...?

2011-01-27T17:34:00.002-05:00

So wow. Really? I guess the answer is yes. I am doing this again. I know there is zero audience, but I still feel the need and compulsion to "speak" as if there were.

I am avoiding grading. It's well past the 11th hour, and yet here I am. Still avoiding. I don't know why. I don't understand the point. I think it's because I am nervous and stressed and freaking out a little about teaching the BC section of my AB/BC calc class... but I don't really know. I truly HATE doing grades, so I can't just "decide" that's the reason or the problem.

I just want to drink the night away and stop worrying about it... which is of course not an answer. I really want us to not have school tomorrow so I can continue to avoid the whole thing, but I don't think I am going to get that lucky. Although, who knows? Maybe we will since SO MANY people still do not have power.

I don't know. I guess I just need to suck it up and do my job.

I was doing so well. Keeping up on grades (mostly) and my dishes and my house and even dropped TON of weight... what has happened? I hope it's not too late to stop the back-slide. I am still hovering at my lightest and I DO NOT want to gain the weight back or let my house go to shit. Actually, I've really been enjoying living a "normal" and happy life.

Whatever it is that I am afraid of, please present yourself so I can deal with you or GO AWAY. I like myself like this.

Nothing Much

2009-08-09T22:26:00.002-04:00

So there is, like I said, nothing much new going on. Jamie and I went to a pirate thing this weekend which was a lot of fun. I am now the proud owner of not one but two pirate flags. (One for the front by the door and one off the back deck, duh.) I am considering quite seriously instituting an annual "pirate party" over the summer to be held, in costume, at my home... that would be a LOT of fun!

My fingers hurt from working on my tribal bra and I don't even think the stupid thing is going to fit. It really pisses me off; more than I want to think about. My Mom got home from the beach and looked and it and she thinks we may be able to salvage this one, but if not it shouldn't be too bad finding one that does fit and should work... I am just so annoyed that I spent so much time on it and it is so wrong. That makes me sad. I guess I should be happy because at least the stupid thing is not finished. The trim and a row of ornamentation is on, but I did not attach the coins yet so I guess I should be happy about that.

I am starting to realize the symptoms of my apprehension and nervousness about the coming school year which starts in a week. I find myself wanting to eat, all the time, and crap. Ice cream and chips and other stuff that is very not good for me. I am trying to realize that the only reason I want it is because I am feeling stressed and apprehensive about it, but it doesn't help the fact that I still want it. But, it has helped me to resist. Some.

Anyway, so I should stop writing about nothing. I am sorry to those people who feel that a "blog" should be about "something" relative or helpful to others. Mine is about me. It is my diary. That I know others can read it helps me to hold true to myself.

I hope you all are well.
All of my love to you.
Ali

Wondering

2009-07-23T13:06:00.002-04:00

If this is it. I mean, is this all there is for me? Do I keep myself so insanely busy so that I don't have to slow down and realize that yes this, in fact, is everything. Because if it is and that is the case... how boring. I mean, what a gigantic let down.

Or, is it that I keep myself so fucking busy that I don't have to put myself out there and really, actually allow something interesting to happen? That I am living a life driven by fear and the only way I have to mask it is to just keep going. All. The. Time.

I don't know.

I do know that I do not want to settle. On anything. Ever. But I wonder, is compromise to accommodate the wants, wishes and desires of another living, thinking, breathing, opinionated human the same as settling?

I try hard not to regret the actions and decisions of my past, even the really bad ones, because those experiences are what has helped to make exactly who I am at exactly this moment. However I have found myself recently revisiting some places in my life where I was not 100% certain which direction to go and I have been wondering how my life, and the lives of the people involved in those decisions, would be different if maybe I hadn't been so afraid; so rigidly opposed to "settling"...

I realize that the game "what if" is not a healthful one to play so I am going to offer this thought to the world and then try and let it go. It is my intention that, in the future, I am more mindful to the true motivations of my decisions and that I am able to see beyond my own fear and in precise understanding of what it is to settle.

love to you all
Ali

Oh... I am also wondering when I get to have sex again! (I know you were curious about that as well...)

Beach

2009-07-02T21:49:00.000-04:00

I am here. It is good.

I spent last night (after class) driving in the rain and lightning to get here. I arrived a little after midnight and it was totally worth it. I spent the day sleeping in (thank you Cammi dog for letting me) and then made myself breakfast while everyone else was out.

Went shopping with Mom to get things to entertain the kids for the weekend, but now it turns out that they may not be coming. Who knows? Either way, W.

I was VERY LUCKY to spend most of the day at the beach. Now, since I am now apparently allergic to sunblock, I made sure to flip, flip, flip and am (luckily) not burnt. Once there was enough cooking at the beach headed home for happy hour and then dinner. After dinner we played with the fiddle sticks and then it was time for toe painting. Mom and Mommom opted for the dark pink w/ rainbow sparkles and I went with the indigo with sparkles.

My toes are hott.

Tomorrow I will spend the day here and get tan and we'll see if the kids make it out...

Hope you all have a fabulous fourth. Remember what freedom is, means, and costs.
love to the world.
mwah

Did I mention???

2009-06-28T21:39:00.002-04:00

Hi

Did I mention that I had a tournament this past weekend? Because I did. And, did I further mention that sex is good? Because it is. Not that I am having any, but I am apparently still living a borderline OCD life and it is on my mind... a lot.

So the tournament was in NJ and it went well. Nothing was canceled because of weather and that is good. The large majority of officials showed up and that is even better.

I am very tired and very happy to be done and on my way home to my very own bed, in my very own house, with my very own dog and no one and nothing to bother us in our solitude until I deem it time. THIS is a VERY GOOD THING.

I sincerely hope that everything is good in your part of the world and I love you all.
Positive thoughts to the universe.
<3
Ali

NoBody Reads This

2009-06-21T21:08:00.000-04:00

So I know that no one actually reads this anymore but it still makes me sad since I have decided to pick it back up again. I like having an electronic conscience and miss that it is only my own reflected back to me. I hope you all are having fun and such. I will expect some something soon.

I am tired of wanting sex and not having it. I am also tired of being in control of relationships where I could most likely have sex having to be the one to say "no"- what is that shit all about I don't know - I ask you?

Anyway, so I feel very attractive (if not beautiful) and I have no where to go and no one to do. Why is life such a waste sometimes?!?!?!??!?!!

Love to you all
Ali
<3

An End.. and a New Beginning?

2009-06-12T16:04:00.003-04:00

So I am officially done with Southern Middle School. And I may be joining Chesapeake High School as a... drum roll please... calculus teacher!!! How F*ing awesome is that? I am about to die. If it actually happens I will let you know (once my heart has been re-started). If I go there I will also be teaching either Algebra 2 (which will be fun) or Geometry (which would be AWESOME because I already have all the resources and lessons and worksheets and all of that happy stuff).

I am going to see a fantastic band tonight, Telesma, at The Whiskey in Annapolis and that is exciting in itself. It's even more exciting because they travel with Belly Dancers! Hooray for dancing!

I am so excited to start my summer off with a very promising interview, a concert with friends and dancing, and then tomorrow I am going to the Potomac Celtic Festival in Virginia and picking up my hand made black leather pants! This is almost too exciting. Oh, and I am working on another encounter with my friend, which is a VERY GOOD thing.

Much love to you all - MWAH!
<3
Ali

T -4 days and counting

2009-06-08T20:11:00.000-04:00

That's it! That's all the time standing between me and my SUMMER OFF! I love it. I am SO ready. I have a million and one projects going and planned, including but very certainly not limited to finishing the refinish of my basement. Oh, I am also in the process of amassing the proper costuming for the troupe I am joining... which will require me to use my new sowing machine to make a few things and I am completely psyched about it!

So updates:

The photo shoot went very well - in some of the shots I look really very pretty. Once they are online I will post a link (as if anyone reads this, but W).

I have had sex. Only once (which is sad) but it was planned and not random and that makes me feel very good and completely guilt free about it. It was even more fun and pleasurable than I remembered which is a very good thing.

I have successfully completed my first lax tournament and I went on a mini-vacation all by my happily independent self.

Oh, and Cammi has been released from the doctor to exercise at will and she is doing a whole lot better. She's still not 100% (maybe 85 at this point) but her recovery is going really well.

Anyway, I am brain dead from my weekend of all lacrosse-no sleep so I'm gonna go. Hope all is well in your world.
much love

Sad Puppy

2009-04-16T18:52:00.002-04:00

So here I am, waiting to go to class and my dog is crying. Why? One would think maybe she's in pain, or needs to go out, or something but the simple truth is that she is not getting attention. I am on the computer and my parents are no where around.

The surgery has corrupted and changed her. She is now self-serving and self-centered (much like most people). The thing is, where you can "dump" a person you really can't "dump" your self-absorbed dog...

The good thing is that I recognize this and don't let it stop me from doing at least some of the things I enjoy. Like belly dance. My sword came in the mail today and I am SUPER EXCITED about having it. I already feel dangerous and seXXy just owing it... I can't imagine what it'll be like once I actually know how to dance with it ON MY F*ING HEAD!

Anyway, so here we are. I am fatter than I would like (as most American women) but I still routinely show my belly in public (unlike most American women) and Cam is feeling sorry for her healing self because she's not getting the undivided attention she had just after her surgery.

I feel very sexy and we love you all very much.
Ali

p.s. Today on my ride home from school I was in my car doing my sing along/dance along to the music thing I do and a totally adorable, completely too young (maybe in high school too young) kid kept trying to get my attention and hit on me. How ego boosting and confidence affirming! :) Sometimes I like being (at least slightly) unconventional...
MWAH!!!

Sword Dancer

2009-04-12T19:34:00.001-04:00

So I have officially started dancing with a troupe and we have a tray dance (which I mostly know and I do own a tray). Additionally we are in the process of learning a sword dance, so I have purchased myself a sword to dance with. On my head. How crazy is that, I can't even stand to ask?

Cammi is doing better... all the staples (even the missed ones) are out and she is sometimes walking on all 4 legs. Which makes the almost $4000 worth it... almost. Once she is able to run I think I will feel better.

I still miss sex.

I maybe having some... we'll see.

I need to get my hair highlighted again (it's been a year) and I am ready. My sister has gone very dark, and I am ready (I think) to go very light. Maybe I'll become the "blond" of the family... we'll have to see what I feel like once I'm faced with the choice.

Anyway, I am feeling better. My Dad is still dealing with the punomenia, which sucks. My X is talking about trying to get back together. After about a second of re-connecting any conversation. Which, if you ask me, is WAY TOO FAST AND CRAZY of a thought

Anyway, this is scattered but at least it's something...
love you all
Ali

Photo Shoot

2009-03-28T21:42:00.002-04:00

So I guess I should also tell you, since I am being honest and open and all, that I have been invited to be part of a photo-shoot in May. It's for a couple of vendors that are at the MD ren fest, and who have made a lot of my costumes. I am very, very excited that they wanted me (of all the people who buy their stuff) to be on their site and in their catalog.

Also, I have been trying to step up my belly dancing and have been taking classes with two different teachers, each one day a week. I am going to certainly perform this summer with Carmen (my first teacher) and the Veiled Allusions and I will post the performances when I have them set. On top of that Christine has said that she will allow me to start with her group (who does tribal fusion) as a student in the next session (which starts in the next few weeks). I am VERY EXCITED about all of it because I have discovered that I find a lot of joy and pleasure in dancing.

It makes me feel good about myself and makes me realize that I am much more rhythmic than I have ever given myself credit for...

So hooray to belly dance! When I get on Youtube I'll post a link... ;)

Still Here

2009-03-28T20:41:00.001-04:00

So here I am again.

I still need to get laid... but W. Lately I've been fighting a very bad cold (the volume of colorful stuff I've been coughing up is crazy) and dealing with a very dependent puppy. Last weekend I finally took her to see the vet (for about 2 weeks prior she wasn't walking on her back left leg) and they said she needed surgery on her knee. So I called the surgeon on Monday. Tuesday she had an appointment and on Wednesday she was operated on. I picked her up Thursday and today (Saturday) she finally ate.

It has been VERY stressful, and I know there is a lot to come, but at this point I think she's going to be OK.

I am not a good middle school teacher, but I am a good Cammi-mommy.

<3
Ali

Active again?

2009-02-27T20:14:00.001-05:00

Hey

So I don't know. Maybe this would be fun to get back into... maybe. I miss having someone anonymous to whom I feel accountable to. I know I shouldn't end a sentence with a "to" but I did. W. I have been living in a middle school world, so "Whatever".

I miss sex. Seriously. I could have had it, several times, with several different people, but I thought "this won't make me happy... so why should I do this?" I should have sex with someone with whom I can have sex often, with consistency and reliability. So I haven't done it.

I seriously miss sex. It's ridiculous.

Ok. So I may be back. Maybe. We'll see.

But I will be sexual. B/C I am an adult female and I am attractive.

Love you all
<3
Ali

Almost the End

2006-06-07T08:14:00.000-04:00

So it's official. I have (almost) made it to the end of my first year as a teacher. I LOVE IT! Who would have eer guessed? I mean, I'm busy all the time (which by now you've discovered is something that I apparently need) and they kids drive me crazy, but I love it just the same.

I have to work on taking classes/training/graduate stuff this summer but other than that and refereeing I am looking forward to doing not much of anything and hanging out with my boyfriend.

Did I mention that I like him? Because I totally do. He's adorable - and I don't just mean in the physical way - he's adorable in the just fun and silly and smart and cute and funny and personality and thought process kind of way. Ya know what I mean?

Anyway, I have to go to duty in just a few. I should be doing one of the MILLION tasks I'm supposed to finish before the end of the year but I can't seem to get my head started so I got on here instead. (not that anyone but Jeannie reads at all anymore but it's ok - I've been gone and all)

This weekend is a 3-day lacrosse tournament at the beach. Patrick is coming with and it should be fun. I am on in the mornings (which sucks) but then I get my evenings off (which is a good thing). The last day for teachers is just 1 week away! I'm so scattered I can't stand it.

Oh, I may be working at a liqour store this summer (hooray for a 15% discount). It's as a favor to a friend but the details aren't worked out just yet. I've got to remember to call her tonight.

Hope all is well.

Back... Maybe???

2006-05-23T11:32:00.000-04:00

So hi. I know, I suck. I am a very, very bad blogger.

I am trying to be a better teacher. The one demands so much time of me that I find myself neglecting the other. Plus, I'm still nervous that my students will find this and if they do - well, just go back into some of the archives and IMAGINE if I were your high school teacher... I'll wait... ... ... there now, see my point???

Anyway, so I am dating someone. We work together. He's adorable. We went to Disney World together over spring break (it was his first time) and had a blast. I see him all the time at school and usually over the weekends. He has found this site before as well (which now that I think about it may be another reason I haven't been writing so much???) but I made him promise not to read it and (strangely) I believe he listened. I trust him and he makes me laugh. He's smart and completely attractive and is strange in the most interesting ways.

He makes me very happy.

He's leaving to go to grad school in Wisconsin in the fall. That makes me sad.

We've talked and neither of us wants to not be together so we're going to try and make it work which means that I will be visiting the frozen tundra that is Wisconsin in the not so distant future. Anyway, so now I have told you because I'd been meaning to and now I need to plan. School ends on the 14th and I need to look into classes and the like for over the summer but I intend to write more and maybe make it look prettier on here (if only for myself).

Hope all is well and I will be back soon - in some form or other.
Ali

Last Minute Post

2006-02-27T16:10:00.000-05:00

The sole purpose of this post is so that I have SOMETHING posted in February. I know, there is still tomorrow but I seriously doubt that I will have time and I have like 10 seconds now so I am going for it.

Things have been crazy (like normal) and I have been neglecting except that which I really sort of have to take care of - but not everything and that is a bad thing. I am going to work on it. Just like everything else.

I have GOT to start seriously simplifying my life because this is insane.

I had my first college game Saturday at St Mary's in southern Maryland. It was actually pretty nice out - not kilt weather by any stretch of the imagination - but I didn't have on any Under Armor - so that's a good thing.

I just found out that one of my students - who is an athlete and was acting a fool today and was sent out on a referral - got himself changed out of my class. In the beginning of the semester he was specially changed into my class. I mentioned it to the coach and how gee, I wish I was a star athlete sometimes because when things don't go my way I would like to have someone change it to suit me - and he defended the student and the action that happened. Saying that “sometimes”, and he wasn't necessarily implying I did it, but some teachers are extra hard on the athletes.

Such absolute and complete bull shit.

If anything I put up with too much off the athletes.

The biggest problem I have with this job, and I will freely admit it to anyone who is interested, it that I am not good at discipline.

I don't see that there is any consequence for their actions or anything that I do, so I don't bother to do anything. Which is BAD. And I know it. I just can't seem to get myself to change with all the other 1 million tons of shit that they put on me and that I take onto myself.

ARUGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Anyway, so here I am. I am alive. I am still sort of seeing someone that some people know some about and that's as into that statement that I am going to go right now. It may be as far as I ever go. Who knows. Right now I just want to go home and go to bed - but I can't because I have to grade all my kids' stuff.

Do you know what's worse about the whole situation? I hurts my feelings that he left my class.

Skiing

2006-01-30T15:15:00.000-05:00

LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!

WHY DID EVERY AND ANYONE FAIL TO TELL ME HOW F*ING AMAZING SKIING IS?

AWESOME!!!

Ok, so I obviously enjoyed my trip. It was so much fun. Even the falling down part (which I did my fair share of). I totally caught air intentionally - and I went between trees - and I was all about the swooshing noise when I would turn - I SO sounded like a real skier person except for the almost constant screaming, giggling, or proclamations that I was going to die.

The first night was great, but scary, because of the whole - I don't know what I'm doing and I did get a lesson and all but hello - he didn't come with me down the mountain but just some little bump at the bottom. And he didn't mention the whole "how to get on and off of a ski lift" part. (I only fell once getting off, btw, so you should be proud of me).

Also scary because of the whole it's very dark out thing. And there are "cliffs" b/c I am on a fricking mountain. Ahhh - but sooooo much FUN.

Then we skied all day Saturday with a little break for lunch and it was awesome. I did all the single and double greens (because I'm so brave) and a few blues. Toward the end of the night we (Patrick and I - Greg didn't fare so well with the whole skiing thing and the three of us were the inexperienced ones) were following Edric and Kim (the experienced ones) down a blue (where I didn't fall) and then came upon some crazy, still a long way down part that was really, really steep - and bumpy (mogley? I obviously don't know how to spell).

It was "supposed" to be a blue - and I totally did it and only fell once - but it turned out to be a black. Oops. Apparently the blue part we were supposed to go down had been closed because it was so warm during the day and too much of the snow had melted. Wow. That was interesting to say the least. I was very happy when I made it down but was not into trying it again at that point.

Once we got back to the house we were staying in I was really excited about Sunday and actually trying more blues and maybe an "easy" black. When we woke up it was warm and raining. BAD for skiing. It did it all morning and into the afternoon. So we didn't make it back out. That was sad, but we did get to roller skate for free which is nice. I didn't fall down and was actually able to at least not kill myself with my attempts.

Anyway, so I am supposed to be doing I'm not sure what - planning I guess - I have first period off this semester - I am so going to have to motivate myself and be disciplined so I'll be going now. Hope all is well and I can't wait to get back out on the slopes!!!

Oh, did I mention that I saw in passing an ex? I did - I don't think he saw or recognized me - I would have gone over to say hi and all that jazz but WE WERE ON THE WAY TO SKI so who had time for idle chit chat? Geeze.

I think I may have discovered a new obsession.

I'm Alive

2006-01-22T19:07:00.000-05:00

I promise. I am also drunk. It's ok, I was at my Mom's and we were all together (lots of the 'connected' women and such) and I learned a lot re: lax and it's a good thing. I have a lot on my plate right now and I'm not all that excited about it.

I didn't tell you, Patrick (my co-worker/teacher that I planned with ALL THE TIME found my blog the other day-oops).

Everyone say "HI" to Patrick.

I don't know what I'm doing and it drives me crazy but I think I am going to try and start a graduate program. I think I like the teaching thing. I know, I always scoffed at the idea and it kills me, too, to think of it. I believe it's irony's way of getting back at me. Sucks, but what are you going to do?

So I need to start a whole graduate program thing. I need to e-mail this lady about it (so you have got to remind me) and find out some more specific details. Who would have thought I would have gone for a maters degree? Not me so that's at least a good thing.

My toe is disgusting. I did the marathon, 14 minute miles for the whole 26. But I stayed with my parents. So, we made the first 10 at a 14 minute pace, the rest were a whatever, I don't really want to know. I would leave them, get to the next mile marker at 14m or less, then wait until they showed to start again.

It's ok. It was actually a very good thing because they actually finished (which was actually a little questionable if I am going to be completely honest).

I was sore for a few days then good until yesterday. I decided to have a nice, full body deep tissue massage. Today I am as sore as the day after, or worse. Whatever, I'm not worried because I know it'll get better and that in the long run it's good for me.

My kids (students that I teach) are such a pain in the butt, but are so cute at the same time - they think that Patrick and or Greg (another teacher) and I are dating. It's sweet, right? I love that they are thinking about me enough that they at least want me to be getting some.

That's a step, right???

Anyway, I need to be on here more, or on some other site that I need to create that I am certain to be unknown, but for now I think this is it. I am freezing and tired and I need to do the laundry. (Did I mention that I am going skiing for the first time next weekend? Well if not, I am, and I am very nervous about the whole thing - so wish me luck and keep me in your prayers, please).

Love you all and hope all is well in your beautiful corner of the world.
Ali

In case you were wondering

2006-01-10T10:46:00.000-05:00

I survived.

We made it.

I am soon to be minus one big toenail.

Details to follow.

Did I mention?

2006-01-06T09:01:00.000-05:00

That I'm going to Florida today to do the marathon on Sunday in Disney?

After having been sick for the majority of the past 2 months. And not training. And having hurt my bum knee?

Yeah. I know. I'm crazy. At least I can walk it.

Quick

2005-12-20T08:59:00.000-05:00

I just wanted to let everyone know - I NOW HAVE A COMPUTER AT WORK!!! Like on my desk in my classroom! It's so exciting. Right now I am sitting at my desk typing this. Now, that's not to say that the posts are going to be super long or crazy frequent, but it is to say that there is at least a small possibility that I would be able to pop on for quick little up-dates (because I know you are all so longing to know what's going on in my life...)

Sick :(

2005-12-10T19:04:00.000-05:00

First, Friday was my first snow-day as a teacher. I liked it. I am going to be sad when I have to work in July, but right now I am SO THANKFUL that I didn't have to clear off my car in the morning that I just don't care.

Second, I am sick. I hate being sick. Because I am sick I am beyond behind in my whole holiday preparation thing, so if my gift to you sucks this year I'm sorry. Please know I did the best I could, considering.

Oh, and I'm not sure what, if any, decorating will be done here so if you do randomly happen to come over and it still looks like spring just accept, ok? Hope all is well in your corner of the world.

Ali

22 Ali

2005-12-05T20:14:00.000-05:00

Sorry - been a bit... distracted, I guess.

Songs -

1. Fool in the Rain by Led Zepplin because it is the best song ever written AND it has a whistle in it. Seriously, do you really need me to write more? I am a referee and all...

2. Fear by Sarah McLachlan because she's awesome and - well, just listen to the words she is singing - you'll know my heart and all that paralyses me. I fell in love with her as an artist my freshman year in college and will not give her up. Ever. She reminds me of the only big sister I ever had, and then lost, and that is a good thing. Not this song specifically, but that's ok, this one is more personal...

3. Steal my Kisses by Ben Harper because this is why I love him. It's a fantastic, fun, up beat, make me dance and feel all special and crazy and speaks to me like it was written about me alone. It makes me feel good and special and that is a very, very good thing. I like to feel special, even if it isn't necessarily true.

4. Cornflake Girl by Tori Amos becuase I am thinking all college age and such with Sarah and all and I think, if I get a 4th song, I should bring some old-school shit to the mix for all you young'ins. It's a very empowering (I don't care what the words may or may not be about in this case - just turn it up ass loud and scream along and you WILL feel empowered) song that is good for the female soul. Since we're all females, that is a good thing.

Ok, so sorry I've been gone. Going to try and be back as much as I can handle. We really do need to arrange a meet and greet, if not for any other reason than to prolong my own sanity. Ha. I'm sorry I can't always been in the best place and be with you all always.

All my love and best wishes in this holiday season.
Ali

Quic

2005-11-30T14:48:00.000-05:00

I have so little time right now I can't even complete the word...

I know, I totally suck big hairy man ass for not being around. I will be back eventually - I promise.

Right now be happy that I've resumed the work-out thing because you know how my mood improves when I get a good sweat in and am walking around with the good-sore-muscle feeling (not to be confused with the bad-sore-muscle feeling, of course).

Yay to waking up early enough that to hit the gym at 5!!!

B-Day

2005-11-14T21:34:00.000-05:00

To everyone who remembered - thank you. To those of you who didn't, well, life goes on I guess.

This past Sunday was my b-day and I am now officially WAY TOO CLOSE to 30. I know, it sucks. What can you do?

I have had a very shitty past, oh I don't know, week or so with a very few and far between shining moments of joy. I did get a massage for my b-day and that is a very good thing. I need one more often and believe I am going to re-institute my once a month minimum policy. Just wanted to share. Yes, I do believe I am worth spoiling every now and again.

I have a new table and chairs in my kitchen. I am not finished assembling them. Apparently my Phillips screwdriver is not going to work so I am going to have to borrow Dad's. Also, the chair seems to want to be wobbly so I need to see what I can possible do to curtail that.

Hope all is well. Right now life as I know it sucks, but the holidays are coming. Did you really expect anything less???

(I'm sorry, I am in a very foul mood and really, really need to feel loved right now - please don't judge me ok?)

I hope all is well in your corner of the world.
Ali

OK

2005-11-07T19:16:00.000-05:00

I am here. I am ok. It's less than a week until my birthday (Sunday, in case you were wondering). I will talk to you all sooner or later I know and I am sorry I've been gone. Wish me luck getting my grades together (this has been a fairly painful experience so far - I'm sure it's got to get better soon).
Ali

(of course, you know how to find me if you need me...)

Not Well

2005-10-29T18:22:00.000-04:00

Just in case anyone out there was wondering, I am not doing well. It has been a bad week. Apparently the bad place I have been living in has not left as I had suspected. Or maybe this is a last ditch effort for it to regain its hold over me. I don't know. I don't dare to hope at this point. I am so tired of holding my breath. I wish it would just end already. I don't know what else to do.

It fits...

2005-10-23T06:41:00.000-04:00

Here is my horror-scope for today...

You could be feeling a little restless for some sort of change in your life right now and you might be starting to think a bit about seeking some new opportunities and perspectives. If certain areas of your life have seemed a little unsettled or unfocused lately, just try to do what you can to refresh your hopes and dreams right now.

It works for me right now - I'll buy it.

Last night I went to the neighbors. They were getting ready to have people over today (and I am totally invited - thank you very much) but I'm probably not going to make it because today is the last day of fair after all... I need to find my ticket btw.

I am up and it isn't even 7 yet. I didn't set the alarm and I've already eaten and done a load of laundry. Being a teacher is an interesting thing - I can't make it much past 10 at night, but my body gets up and going soooooo early now.

Didn't intend to write in this so I feel like I am rambling WAY more than normal (almost to the point of just making stuff up to talk about) so I'm going to stop. I hope all is well.

If I figure what it was that I apparently want to talk about but am just not ready to at this moment I'll be back, otherwise enjoy your Sunday!

Just Checking In

2005-10-17T19:50:00.000-04:00

I WANT MY BIKE.

That's all I have to say about it. I don't really have time to fool around here (and believe me, I do want to be on here) but I just couldn't not say it. For a while Ar's been trying to talk me into the whole bike thing and now that I've committed to one I want it. NOW. Like YESTERDAY, NOW!

Did I ever mention that I am not one who is big on the whole "patience = virtue" thing?

Bad Ali

2005-10-13T19:50:00.000-04:00

I have not done anything that I had intended to do. I am going to blame it on the funk that I find myself in and try not to stress over it too badly. I would say try not to stress at all but come on, it's me we're talking about here ok?

Here is what I managed to do all day (after getting off here with my first post of the day).

Arleigh came over and we went to get my hair done. If you don't know, it takes a pretty long while because I have long hair, I get high and low lights, and the lady who does it is good. Then we went to the Crofton Bike Doctor (where Arleigh works) and had Chick-Fil-A (I think that's how you spell it) and I was measured for and bought a bike. It's beautiful. You know you want one too, admit it.

Ok, for the bike minded people, I found out that I am exactly (according to their machine) 62.5", and my legs are 29". Well, actually, I guess anyone may be interested in that. But those measurements mean that I can NOT comfortable fit a men's frame, so I have to have a women's one, and my frame is 47. Little teeny tiny. It's going to be so great.

So then I was trying on shoes and as much fun as that sounds, it wasn't. Because I can't pick them out based on look or color, I have to get ones that fit my feet well - no matter how ugly they are. Trust me, the ones I had to special order are heinous. Oh well, as much as I complain I know that fashion must follow comfort and function. It would just be so fun to have good looking shoes to go with my new bike.

I am going to get a cute helmet. It's White and silver and has a floral/Hawaiian pattern that makes me glad.

Anyway, so we spent like 10 years there getting all of that worked out. I am also at some point going to need a bike rack, probably a trainer (as it is getting to be winter), shorts, a skirt (because I REFUSE to walk around in just padded bike shorts), and some other stuff that I just didn't have the energy to deal with.

After that, because the bike was in the warehouse we went there to make sure I liked it in person as much as I did on the internet. I do, although it's going to be really cool when it's put together and not in a box, but whatever. I have to talk to Ar and see when it's going to be ready for me.

Then we got the girls and Ar left to do her thing. At this point it was 15 until 5 and my motivation was shot. I decided to try and be productive. It didn't work. Instead I made myself a new necklace to match an ankle bracelet that I've decided I love. It's nice, but heavy because I used stone and pewter beads (I'm wearing it now and I can totally feel it). I may wear it tomorrow for luck.

Why am I so nervous about being observed? I don't know. Maybe it's the whole, I am a perfectionist and do not accept failure as an option. That may be it.

Then I ate dinner and finished watching Return of the King. And now I'm here. Oh I so suck, but I am feeling better. I think I may be an old lady and turn in early...

Hope everyone out there is well. I send you my love.
Ali

My World

2005-10-13T10:05:00.000-04:00

Ok so I am back and it is decidedly good.

Last night I had a little freak out. Actually, wait, before you get too far into this you need to know a few things. 1 - I am all over the place today in my own head and as much as I try to make these things flow or connect in some sort of logical chain (I know, I'm a BIG GIANT MATH DORK) I don't think I'm going to be able to today so just try and stay with me the best you can, ok? Or maybe by prefacing it like that there won't be a problem so then you'll think, ok so she's so totally full of herself and gives her - I don't know what to call it - inner dialogue - I guess that works - WAY TOO MUCH credit. But whatever. I felt I should say it so I did.

And 2 - I am going to try and finish this before I have to go but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I have sooooooo much that I want to say but I've got to be somewhere at 12 and I don't know how long this is going to take (I'm getting my second round of professional highlights so I'll be just a touch more red - which is a very good thing - done today).

Ok, so back to the freak out. I was not in a good place yesterday. My first formal observation is Friday and I had to have the lesson and all corresponding documentation in and it was a PSAT test day - so all the classes but one were shortened - and the kids have another chapter test (which they totally suck at because the test is really hard) coming up soon - either next Thursday or early the following week. I would LOVE to give it Friday but that's a teacher work day - so they won't be there to take it. I don't want to give it the Monday after a 3 day weekend either, but that may be my only choice... I don't know, we'll see. I still really think doing it Thursday may be best... I don't want to think about it anymore now though.

So stress.

Then my parents are still gone so I am in charge of taking care of both dogs and both houses. So more stress.

And I don't have anyone to just talk and de-stress to - and there's no one around to just give me a hug, hold my hand and tell me it's going to be OK. And at this moment that's what I need. Or at least just a hug.

I would really like for someone to hold me.

I am still not in a good place, but it's slightly better. I cried and that let some of it out. I also talked to my X and that helped a lot. As much as I question if it's a good idea that we stay in contact, in the long run for both of us and our emotional/mental health, I appreciate that we are and that we do. I've not done that whole "be friends" thing with people I've dated before and I don't specifically plan to in the future, but the relationship that my X and I have defies my ability to define. To use a line that I abhor, "it is what it is", but in this case it fits.

Anyway, so that was last night. Today I slept in until 630, which made me very happy. I got up and had every intention of being productive, at a leisurely pace, but productive all day. I went over to my Mom's (Big Dog wanted to stay there last night - that's a whole other story maybe for later if I remember) so I needed to get her and let her out and so forth.

Well, I had left the TV on for her so she wouldn't be alone and I think it was on ShowTime. Either way it was some movie called, I believe, The Shape of Things, and I got sucked in. I had missed only maybe 10 minutes. It is apparently based on a play and definitely had that same disconnected feel. It was good, but I don't want to say that because I don't like what it made me think about and feel inside. But then, that's what makes a movie so good, isn't it?

I highly recommend it to anyone who is open minded. It has a whole "art film" feel so don't go into it thinking blockbuster. I want to talk about it more, and I think I would like to see it again - to get the perspective of already knowing the end to see how my thoughts about/reactions to change - but if I do I will run the risk of ruining your experience of it so I won't talk about it more. And to be honest, I don't think I will actually see it again because other than the ones I own I don't remember the last time I was at the movies...

But then I have been thinking about trust and people and all of that lately, what with all the new people suddenly in my life. I think I have been too easy letting them in, completely in, and that's another stress because they are showing to be maybe not so worthy of the trust that I seem to naturally, if I want to or not, give them. I don't believe in the trust that I have for them, but it's there nonetheless - if that makes any sense.

If you know me at all then you know that I live and exist in a world that I have created. I have been in and tried the whole, face and see and be in reality thing and it doesn't work for me. Sorry, but no. I don't think it's a bad thing. I like my world. For me it is a beautiful, safe and almost magical, enchanted place. (I really just wanted to use the word enchanted, it popped into my mind earlier when I was in the car listening to the radio and I can't seem to get it out. Oh, another reason I had to go to Mom's was to get my Mommom's car keys and then take them to the mechanic in Pasadena because apparently she didn't leave the right key for them when she went away and they couldn't work on her car. After I left Mom's I went over there and that's when I was in the car doing all this thinking.)

I believe that part of why the people who do like me, like me, do so because of the place that I live. It's not a physical dwelling, but more of a frame of mind or existence. They also believe, at least for a little while, like I do and it's wonderful and magical and it makes you smile and feel good inside. (I'm concerned that that's not going to come through the way I intend but I don't know how else to phrase it - so please just go with it)

The problem comes when there are people randomly let in who don't have my best interest at heart. Not that it needs to be "The Ali Show" but when I interact with others I always try to keep their best interest at heart and I need the same thing from them in return. When it's not there is when I start to have problems. My stress level builds and I am not able to deal or cope at all. I am no longer safe in myself.

Which means that I need to be much more discerning (and I don't think that's the right word but I'm going with it) about who I let in and how far. I need something from them in return so that there is some type of two-way commitment. Otherwise, it's all risk for me and none for them - unless you are a wonderfully amazingly good person who wouldn't go along for the ride for a little while - figuring out your intentions - and see what you can see then leave when you're done? I don't blame them, I just need to be more responsible for myself. The others need to have something to lose as well in order to ensure that they are aware of what they are doing to me (because, honestly, I do know that you don't necessarily realize that it may hurt someone when you get that close if they let you in so easily) and know that they're ok with it, and more so that I am getting in and that close to them as well. That, I think, may be the key.

Anyway, so I am sorry. I am not sure what I am trying to say. I think mostly I am trying to sort out my own head right now. If you got this far, groovy. If you just skipped ahead that's cool, too. You didn't really miss too much. I still feel that it's disjointed and I have more that I wanted to say but my fingers are cold and I need to do the dishes.

I'll talk to you more later on.
Me

Planning

2005-10-06T13:18:00.000-04:00

What is "what I am supposed to be doing", Alex?

Instead here I am writing to you. I am just so not motivated to plan. Granted, I am planning for TOMORROW, so motivated or not it needs to be done but for some reason I am just so not doing it. I also should at least be doing something productive if I am not going to be a good girl and plan but again, just not.

I am making dinner tonight for someone that I have sort of been seeing a little. I have ZERO IDEA WHAT IN THE F_U_C_K I was THINKING when I made the offer, but I did and it was accepted and this is now where I find myself.

I so need to remember to go to the store to buy food.

Anyway, one thing I've discovered about school is that I am unable to take 5 minutes to be in an alone space unless I force myself. And while I know you think that should be ok, it's really not. I need to take time to be in that space so that I can be in touch with what it is that I am actually feeling. What I want or need or whatever. I recently realized that I have not been doing that. How? You ask, well, I found myself getting back to that place that I had been where everything-anything-and nothing made me want to cry.

I am not as bad as I was. I am not back to that place yet, but I realized that I was heading in that direction.

Anyway, that's enough sharing for now. I will need to really get into my head soon but first I need to stop putting off my responsibilities and make myself a plan for tomorrow!!!

Slowly...

2005-10-03T20:25:00.000-04:00

Ever so slowly I'm easing myself back into this whole thing. Plus I'm catching up on (most) of what I missed. It'll take a while but I'm sure I'll manage.

I'm in the process of cleaning/laundry and wasting time online. I thought I had sent myself something that I could do my grades at home but forgot a file so I'll have to wait until Wednesday to work with it. Aww, so sad.

I am so SICK AND TIRED of grading papers I COULD SCREAM!!! ARUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Ok, I'm better now. So I'm going to go back to the cleaning/laundry/grading thing. I just didn't want you to miss me too much.

Maybe tomorrow I'll do a nice, long catch you up post if I get a chance. I think I should have some alone time to get back into my head and it would be good to clear some of this junk out before it starts to give me too much trouble. Glad to hear that everyone seems to be doing well with things and all. Of course you know, if you need me I am just a phone call away...

Ali

So I'm back

2005-10-02T19:39:00.000-04:00

Ok, so it's easier than I thought. To just start talking to you again. It really is. I am glad that's the case, BTW, but up until the other day I wasn't sure... Glad to know now either way. I suck, that's all I have to say because I totally have been slacking now that I think about it.

I also have to clean my house and rather than do that I am playing on the internet and for that I am an ass and you and I both know it. At some point I need to go to the store to buy things, like BREAD and such, but I don't need it for tomorrow and that's a good thing. I have a chicken sandwich for tomorrow so I'm set.

I didn't eat dinner tonight, but rather drank it. It's been a difficult week, what with all the scheduling/refereeing/being in charge that I've had to deal with ya know?

A girl that my sister went to school with has told me that she has a guy that she wants me to meet. My friends have banned me from deciding to date anyone w/o their approval. I think I may have actually joined a middle aged woman book club this evening. Does any of this seem wrong to you? Or is it just me? I don't really know at this point.

All I know for sure is that I've had 2 very yummy martinis and that I'm proud that I'm able to type at all. I have so participated and that's such an accomplishment for me I almost can't stand it.

love you
ME

ALIVE!!!

2005-10-01T13:29:00.000-04:00

Haha. So you see, I am still alive.

I know, it's been forever and I totally suck and I am sorry. I have no IDEA what is going on with anyone because, you see, I have exactly zero time that is not already allocated to doing something else work related. Either teaching, teaching, teaching, teaching, refereeing, scheduling or, you guessed it, teaching. I am not complaining about my job. Actually, at this point it still doesn't really feel like work.

That's not to say that my kids aren't difficult, because they totally are, or that I'm all over the whole teaching grading teacher job thing, it is just COMPLETELY DIFFERENT than anything I've ever done before and it doesn't feel like work.

It's very refreshing and I think that the sadness that I've been dealing with for what feels like forever now has gone. Of course, this could be the honeymoon of just doing something new, who knows right? But I believe that this time that's actually not the case.

No use worrying about it either way because worrying won't make a bit of difference. Only time will tell... of at this point I don't have any, but that's neither here nor there...

The big thing for me is that I recognize the need to keep track of myself and how I'm dealing/thinking/feeling so my plan is to write, even if it's just once, every week... I miss this and I miss all of you. I hope you didn't forget about me...

love you
Ali

quick again

2005-08-26T22:00:00.000-04:00

I am so sorry. I am here again, but just for a second. I am alive and classes start Monday 8/29 and yes, I am nervous as hell. I now have a lot of the "stuff" that I need because Sue came and helped me. I love her, BTW, she's great and without her I don't think there would have been anyway I would have been even close to ready for my first day of class.

I am busy as hell but I am still alive and I am still thinking about each and every one of you. I miss and love you very much. If there is anyway that I can help or support you at all PLEASE call me.

I love you.
Ali

still short

2005-08-25T21:59:00.000-04:00

I now have 2 drills and half a lesson plan. Puls, 1.35 syallabi (I have 2 classes - "geometry" and "explorations" so I need 2 different syallabus-es and 2 grades). I am still freaking out and I am still going into work tomorrow even though they are not paying me to. I am beginning to know why teachers bitch about not being paid...

I will be back and I miss talking to you all. If you get a chance and have my number give me a call - I'll appreciate it and I miss you.

2 seconds...

2005-08-24T06:58:00.000-04:00

I am here & I am alive. I have ZERO time to myself right now so I have even less to play on the internet. For that I am sorry.

The students come to school Monday and I have not seen the book I am going to be teaching from yet. Do you see this as a problem???

Interesting...

2005-08-16T19:01:00.000-04:00

FSM

Just trust me on this one. It made me "lol" (and yes, apparently I am in a very strange mood right now, sorry)

In other "news" I had my first day of training. It was interesting to say the least. I am so overwhelmed right now with all the stuff I'm supposed to remember I can't think so I'm going to have to talk about it later, once the knowledge has had a chance to marinate in my brain. See, I have just written one of the world's longest (at least unofficially) run-on sentences and I don't even have the energy or wherewithall to fix it (and why is it that I feel like that is one word anyway?).

No spell check. Deal.

(Also, I am apparently working on my "teacher no tolderance" thing... man, I'm going to be a bitch.)

This Thursday is the last day at hell. It is a very good thing and will be followed with much rejoycing. From 4-6 that same day I will be at the board of education doing some sort of something related to the teaching experience (I think it has to do with my benefits and such). And when that's over I'll pick up Cammi and The BIG Dog and we'll be off to the beach for the OC Classic lacrosse tournament (the good thing is that I do not schedule that one).

Then next week I officially report to school to begin teaching (I'm so going to have to learn geomerty this weekend so I don't look like a giant dumbass.) Wish me luck!

Nicole

2005-08-15T09:39:00.000-04:00

Your Musical Tastes Match: Nicole Kidman

See her whole playlist here (iTunes required)

What Celebrity Matches Your Taste in Music?

Quick adgenda

2005-08-12T11:11:00.000-04:00

I am working today until, well, I decide to leave. I have 4 hours of "use or lose" time and I'm using it now...

Today
1230 - be finger printed
after - possibly run by the school for a brief tour then go home eat & pack for the beach!
4 - meet w/ Todd & Liz to go to the ocean!

tomorrow & Sunday
be at the beach! at some point we'll discuss when we're coming home but since both Todd and I have to work Monday it'll probably be a reasonable time Sunday afternoon/evening.

(For some reason I am seeing a lot of traffic in my near future, but strangely I don't seem to care)

Monday -
730ish - work at hell
8pm - coffee w/ Arleigh!

Tuesday -
745 - training
1045 - dentist
? - back to training

Wednesday -
745 - training

Thursday -
730 ish - last day at hell
7pm - leave for the beach

Friday -
Beach for the OC Classic Lax tourney!

Ok, so now you know how/where to find me! Back later for more interesting updates when available...

All set

2005-08-11T11:41:00.000-04:00

So I have completely cleaned up everything that is mine here at work. I am going to leave my cd player and cd's until my last day because I can't live here without them, you understand.

Arleigh has put some of the Monday coffee pictures up. I took the ones of her (duh) as well as the fun rain one with the blurry drops (I like it a lot). The gratituous butt shot was for Jeannie. She was supposed to note that, but I'm not sure if she did so I figured I would...

I'm ready to be done now.

It's Official

2005-08-10T13:16:00.000-04:00

I am no longer an employee of the state of Maryland as of August 18th and on the 22nd I will be employeed by Anne Arundel county as a geometry teacher.

I am very excited!!! That you for all the well wishing and good (fast) advise.

Onto a new adventure that I still like to call my life...

nervous much?

2005-08-10T09:46:00.000-04:00

So I was going to not say anything about it until it was a done deal and all, but the time is going by so slowly and I can't stop thinking about it and I am making myself sick.

Let me back up a little. (oh and my Mom is fine - the lasik surgery went well)

Monday night she was reading the local paper and noticed a big article about the severe lack of teachers in the county, especially math teachers. (You'll remember that was something I was thinking about for a while now but was for whatever reason unable to actually make myself act on) At the end of the article there was a note that the schools in the area were having an open job fair Tuesday night at 530 at the board of education.

When I went by yesterday morning to drop Cammi off she pointed it out to me. I decided it wouldn't hurt to check it out and went by. I had no resume, no references, and no teaching experience. I spoke with one school. They were so interested they had me speak with the vice principal as well as the department chair and offered me a job on the spot (in so much as they have the power to - I still need to have my transcripts verified, be finger printed and so on).

Wow.

Fast.

School starts for teachers on the 22nd, for the kids the 29th. I was very clear with the "I have never done this before and don't really have a clue what I'm doing" thing but they didn't seem to mind.

I have not officially accepted anything which means that I will not be resigning from my current job. How much would that suck to think you had something, quit, then have to ask for your same old job back because the other fell through?

I'm very nervous and making myself sick with anxiety and anticipation. I don't have any idea how much they will offer to pay me. Right now that's the biggest thing I am worried about because as long as I can make my mortgage I'm so out of hell... I mean here.

I have an appointment to speak with someone, Vicki, at 1 today. Why did I make it at 1? Why not 8 or 9? The time is going by so slowly... tick, tick, tick... and I'm driving myself insane.

If I do the whole teaching thing it's so going to change the way I live my life. First, there is no flex thing when it comes to school. Hum. Interesting. Second, there are so many wonderful and random days off throughout the year it's crazy. But what about the time I've already committed to being not at work? How do you take a day off from school? Are you allowed? How many? I don't know and it's something else I'm thinking about... I guess it won't matter if it falls through, and if it doesn't and I decide to I'll just work it out.

One thing, it will be nice to have off for the snow!

almost forgot

2005-08-08T22:02:00.000-04:00

I get to go to the beach this weekend!!! Aren't you excited for me? Because I'm totally excited about it myself... and I'm not going alone. Todd & Liz are coming so it'll be way fun. I think we're going to have a dress up and go out night! They are so much fun because they totally dig the dress up thing as much as I do so it's a good time had by all...

If I am good and inspired and remember (there are a lot of steps here so I make zero promises) I will remember to take the camera and document the fun!

k - that's all for now - sweet dreams

Monday nights with...

2005-08-08T21:33:00.000-04:00

Arleigh!

Ok, so we've apparently begun a pattern. It's a good thing. I need structure in my life.

Coffee tonight at B&N, then a quick trip to EMS and the music store. The mean coffee lady was at B&N which is why all the other side trips. It was a good thing though because Ar brought her camera but gave ME possession of it (for a little while at least). You need to go to her site and visit the pictures that I took (they should be up sometime by or before Wednesday I think).

Also I think she may post some of the ones of me that she took - we'll see. It's a little strange but whatever, at least you'll get a better idea what I look like if you actually cared to know... Oh, and if she does post them while you're there check the highlights in my hair. I think they may actually show in one or two of the shots.

While out I picked up a book and a cd. The book is for beginning bikers (so I don't drive her and her co-workers completely insane with all of my really inane questions) and the cd is Beck. The new one. Todd and Liz have it and this weekend I decided I needed it as well. The reason I am even online right now is that I wanted to listen before I went to bed (because sadly I am still living in the 90's and don't have a cd player in my car...)

I also went to the gas station so I wouldn't be stranded on my way in tomorrow. I have decided that wherever I work I want to be reasonably close that I can at least attempt to ride in once a week. (I'm not crazy enough at this point to try and believe I'd do it every day)

First I want to get ok with riding. Then riding with traffic. After that I'll work on actually commuting, so realistically I am still a long way off, but you've got to start somewhere right?

hung over?

2005-08-08T18:34:00.000-04:00

I am not, I don't think, because I have not had anything since Saturday night and here it is, Monday evening. So it's not possible for me to be hung over, is it? I'm just asking because I had A LOT of very red wine this weekend and currently I feel like bunk. Complete and utter bunk.

Anyway, so Saturday I went into work (did I tell you that?). I have a whole incredible amount of stuff to do, and there is no way that it'll all get even close to done if I only work 40-45 hours a week. Which is crap because they so don't pay me enough to work extra, which is why typically I don't, but then the Catholic up bringing in my kicks in (I wasn't in it too terribly long, but the residual guilt still have a firm grip) and I feel bad for the poor people who I am supposed to be helping. After all, it's not their fault that people keep quitting, but tptb don't hire any additional workers...

After I was done being there I came home to a nice easy dinner of chicken. Not chicken with something, just chicken. I so had no interest or energy to balance. I was pretty proud I didn't just eat popcorn.

My neighbors came over sometime just before I thought it would be reasonable to put my pjs on. They were having people over, other neighbors, so I decided I should be friendly and hang out. Plus, they had bought some red wine just for me so really, how could I say no?

I don't know what time I got home. I'm not sure it matters. All that really matters is that I had a second night of red wine indulgence. I felt good the next day, just exhausted. At least the dogs let me sleep in until 9.

I was supposed to have a day of shopping with Liz, but around 11 or so she called. Apparently she and Todd discovered they needed some something and wanted to head to Ikea or Target or something. Instead of going there I decided to bug Arleigh at the bike store and actually learn about that which I will be purchasing. I now know what a top, down, head, and seat tube are as well as what a crank is. Needless to say I am very proud.

I still don't know what color I want. I do know what colors I don't want. No black, gray, navy, forest green or deep red. Way too boring. I think I would really, really like a safety green color, or orange, but apparently the more fun the color, the way more expensive the bike. I'll probably wind up with pink. It's a very girly color and I am a very girly girl so that works.

I think I am going to get silver shoes but we'll have to see how they feel. I have wide feet and messed up toes so comfort and fit are primary (and man does that make me sound old).

The shoe color will influence the color of the helmet.

I know what you're thinking, so not what you're "supposed" to care about when buying a bike but whatever. I couldn't care less at this point about the material or weight or any other such stuff. I don't ride yet. This is my first bike. I just want it to be pretty.

kisses

2005-08-07T09:31:00.000-04:00

Part Free Love Kisser

Of all the kissing types, you've racked up the most experience Kissing is no big deal to you - you'll kiss anyone you find hot!

It's easy for you to take the plunge and make the first move. And you don't really consider kissing to be cheating!

Part Expert Kisser

You're a kissing pro, but it's all about quality and not quantity You've perfected your kissing technique and can knock anyone's socks off And you're adaptable, giving each partner what they crave When it comes down to it, your kisses are truly unforgettable

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

So apparently even on a silly internet quiz I am more than one sort of thing. Did I ever mention how I love to kiss? Because right now I totally miss doing it...

trying again

2005-08-06T20:25:00.000-04:00

So we're going to try this again. My connection sucks here and if the picture doesn't take you'll just have to wait until I can get some free time at work to get it up... (and wow, does that sound dirty to me right now. I'm sure it doesn't help that I've been chatting with someone about "interesting" things in or at the workplace...)

Cat got your tongue?

2005-08-06T20:03:00.000-04:00

Apparently because I had all this stuff to talk and tell and share and so on, but now nothin. Sorry. Guess it has something to do with last night so I'll give you a brief run down...

Work (boo, hiss). Didn't go to the dentist as scheduled because of a long, drawn out pain in the ass story that no, I do not feel like going over again. Just know that I have written and am in the process of mailing a formal complaint to the dentist HMO group I am with. Then home to feed the dogs and change before yoga.

Class was wonderful aside from the fact that it was my first one in a month. Wow. Completely didn't realize just how much I could lose, that I didn't know I had, in that short of a time... Oh, and we did this new pose (well, new to me at least) and it was a killer on my knee. Had to stop as soon as I got myself into it because it jsut started screaming. It yelled all night, even over the bottle and a half of red wine I'd had. It's still swollen today. Small hint, if your teacher tries to get you into, I think she called it king piegon, pose and you have bad knees don't. Just hang out in child's pose until it's time to move on.

So after class there was a fantastic storm and while I was out going to the wine store I got completely soaked through. It was wonderful. I picked up two bottles of I don't know what and was on my way over to see Todd and Liz. We had dinner and Liz and I split 2+ bottles of red something that was very good. There was much chatting and music listening and playing with hair and so on and it was very good. Eventually I decided I needed to go home and crawled into bed sometime around 3...

Thanks to the girls I was up, up by 8 this morning. Sometimes having a dog is not such a good thing.

So anyway, here is a picture that I took while I was exploring big island. It's at a fantastic little random cafe that made the most wonderful coffee and sandwiches...

my anti-posty status...

2005-08-06T10:51:00.000-04:00

Sorry about that. I have actually (if you can believe it) been going OUT and being SOCIAL. I know. It's a shock to me, too.

Work has been crazy.

Between trying to actually accomplish things while I am there, and going out of the house to interact with real people in face-to-face I could touch you if I wanted situations, I have not been posting. I have been thinking about you all though. Maybe tonight I'll get into somethings that I wanted to talk about. And also just the general my life updates. This is going to be it for now though.

Oh, I did pick up some music earlier this week (I don't remember if I was just telling people or if I posted about it but I had an urge to buy music that was driving me crazy Monday and I was actually able to satisfy it which is exciting - wow, that was an exceptionally long comment...). Anyway, so I picked up The Dead 60s. LOVE IT. Not that I'm all musical and you should listen to my recommendation or whatever but seriously it's fantastic.

Ok, gotta go.

2005-08-01T10:08:00.000-04:00

Your Birthdate: November 13

Being born on the 13th day of the month should help make you a better manager and organizer, but it may also give you a tendency to dominate people a bit.
You may be more responsible and self-disciplined than you realize.
Sincere and honest, you are a serious, hard working individual.

Your feeling are likely to seem somewhat repressed at times.
You are apt to be much more practical, rational, and conscious of details.
Your intolerance and insistence on complete accuracy can be irritating to some.

Wondering about yours?

weekend off???

2005-07-30T18:29:00.000-04:00

First let me say that I AM NOT COMPLAINING, I am just pointing a few things out...

Friday was (supposed) to be my first day back to the bliss that is yoga. That was sort of side tracked when a good friend invited me out to happy hour in town. Being one to never turn down an invite to spend time in one of my most favorite places, I agreed. It was way fun and when I get a sec if I think of it I'll share more. Just know there was much wine consumed (~1 bottle all by myself) and a very cute waiter involved...

Today, instead of lazing around the house cleaning and such, I went to work (voluntarily no less) for a few hours. After I had been there more than long enough I headed over to the shore and spent the day bumming around Easton with my sister and 2 angel nieces.

I ran home and got here just about quarter after 5. I let the dogs out, fixed dinner, fed the dogs and then let them out again. It was now quarter to 6 and I thought Ar said she was working until 6, so I called to make sure. Jeannine confirmed and I spent the next 15 minutes making some sort of sense out of the mess that is my house... Oh wait, let me back up.

I went to coffee with Arleigh on Thursday (and who knew that B&N was such a happening spot anyway?) and she told me I needed to go to this party in DC for someone she randomly knows who is turning 30. Ok, sure, why not? I miss DC.

Ok, so now you know why I'm going crazy. They will be picking me up, I thought, around 645 at the latest. Shit. I still need to shower. So I am in the process of faux cleaning a little when 15 minutes later Arleigh calls. Turns out she also needs to shower, plus they're going out for dinner...

Perfect. I have a minute to sit and be lazy. What do I do? Get online and tell y'all all about it of course, duh! And now that I've wasted enough time I'm off to the shower. Tomorrow is something. I don't remember what but at some point I think I may end up at the Red Eye Dock Bar on the eastern shore, which from what I hear can be quite an adventure...

Last Night

2005-07-28T09:26:00.000-04:00

It was so oppressively hot there was an Excessive Heat Warning. Not just a regular heat warning, but an EXCESSIVE one. As I was preparing to go out - you know, thinking about doing something to my hair then deciding no, reapplying the deodorant (because I don't like to even run the risk that I might possibly smell) and so forth - the storm hit hard.

The power went out, the rain came down in sheets, and the lightning was so close you could feel it in your teeth. When I let Cam out I could hear cracking and breaking in the trees as they whipped around like blades of grass. I actually stood on the stoop wondering if any were tall enough to hit my house when they fell. Not if, but when.

I thought about bailing out, because really I don't think it was safe to drive in that. The fact that I passed countless branches in the road, along with a tree or two confirmed my thought; but on the other hand for better or worse I needed to get this whole thing over with so I decided to suck it up and go.

My opinion prior to should have been enough to tell me the resulting feeling I would have from the evening, but I at the same time I had committed to going and I don't like to back out of a commitment. I'm just not one of those kind of people if I can help it.

So yes, the second vibe was way more right than the first and no I am not planning to see said random guy again. It wasn't that I had a bad time, just not feeling anything in terms of interest in even getting to know him. I guess because I don't have all that much time I don't want to waste it on someone who seems so completely disinteresting. The problem I find myself in is at the end of the night when he asked if we could do it again I said sure. Oops. I don't know why. I guess it's just when someone asks me in person I have a very difficult time saying no. The parting was every bit as awkward as you can imagine. I don't know if he was thinking kiss or not but I didn't care. I was so non-interested I didn't even want to hug him as I left, but decided that would be wrong. I mean what, was I just supposed to shake hands, say thanks and see ya? I don't know, I just couldn't do that.

Anyway, so I don't know what I'm going to do. Probably be the typical busy as hell Ali and let things go on like that. As much as I may complain about my lifestyle I have built it for a reason and this is certainly a good one...

Oh, and I still have no power as far as I can tell. This means that yes, I did wake myself up somehow sans alarm clock and yes, I did go to work without showering (hello? there was ZERO reason for a cold shower and they are so not fun).

Apparently there is a reason I like Kill Bill so much...

2005-07-27T08:32:00.000-04:00

Job Predictor

The name I go by - Ali L. - Trained Assassin
The name I sign my checks with - Alison L. - freeway light inspector
My given name - Alison Bonita L. - ideal job is In a land far, far away (what the f***??)
Random variation - Ali Bonita L. - Animal Therapist
My baptismal name - Alison Bonita Catherine L. - princess

Thanks Jeannie, I enjoyed the early morning play...

Oh, and for those of you who were wondering, no coffee last night. I called someone when I got home from lacrosse but she did not answer. Now who's avoiding whom, huh? Huh?

Ok, so I'm teasing but I was looking forward to it - maybe Thursday???

Exhausted

2005-07-26T08:30:00.000-04:00

Oh my goodness, can it be true? There are 2 WHOLE WEEKS IN A ROW that everyone has contributed to story time? Really? I almost can't stand the thought...

Ok, I'm good now.

As you know I have been working a lot the past few weeks. Both scheduling and working lacrosse. First it was the 4 day, ~110 referee tournament in MD, then the 2 day ~60 referee one in PA. I am beat; physically, mentally and emotionally. Plus, on top of it all, I get to have my happy time of the month. (Now don't get me wrong, I am glad it's here because "sex" = "possibly pregnant" no matter how "safe" you are, and it hasn't been that long... so it is a good thing. But now that I'm certain, it can go.) Plus Cammi was gone and apparently I expect her to be at my house so when she's not I don't sleep as well.

All that being said, I got the first good night of sleep in the past week or two last night. I almost didn't get out of bed this morning I felt so good. I am still tired, but no where near as much.

Tonight I am (supposed) to go for coffee with Arleigh once I get back from lacrosse. Luckily this is the last week for the Tuesday night league because I am so tired of it I could spit. (How fun is that expression, btw?)

I am excited because I am going out Friday for happy hour. My girlfriend at work invited me and we're going downtown to meet up with a few of her friends that I've met before. We most likely won't be out all that late, and I am sadly going to have to miss yoga, but I think it'll be fun and I know it'll be good for me to get out of the house and into town. Now I just have to remember not to lock my keys in the car and I'll be all good...

Um, I'm trying to think of anything good that's been going on that I can think of to share with you... um... well... let me see...

Yeah, a whole bunch of nothing.

Work, lacrosse, working on lacrosse, rinse & repeat.

A few more weekends and the summer lacrosse season will be officially over and I (hope at least) will have more exciting things to share... I did reschedule the date from the other night for tomorrow so that's something. We've chatted on the phone and I am starting to think that he may not be as boring as my second impression led me to believe. I don't know. We'll just have to see. The good thing is that he is older than I am and he owns property, so he completely understood about the water is bad thing and actually offered a few helpful ideas of how to deal with it.

Whatever. I'll talk to you more later on Internet, as for now I'm on my way home, hope everyone out there is doing well...

Domestic Drama

2005-07-20T19:20:00.000-04:00

Had to call the date off, so now I have no idea what I'm going to do for dinner and even worse, MY BASEMENT IS FLOODED.

Well, maybe just my laundry room, but that's bad enough. I think I have founf the source of the water (Mr Air Conditioner) but I'm not sure why it's leaking, and I'm a touch afraid to go removing too many panels for fear of completely ruining the thing and voiding my warranty (luckily I got this unit put in new when I bought the house so it's my warranty and so forth).

I am currently taking a break because I'm soaked, sweating my ass off, and smell like wet basement rug which is not the most attractive smell...

Ok, back to work.

Ok, so maybe not sooo RED

2005-07-19T21:58:00.000-04:00

My hair, that is. It's done. I can not be un-done. Wow. This is actually a little scary. I waiver between "Oh My God, I really like it" to "what crack was I smoking when I decided to do this"???

I'm going to get Ar (or someone, but probably Ar 'cause she's good and shit) to help me get a picture online so you all can see just what it is that I have done. WOW. That's really all I can say.

There are highlights (read: very blonde streaks that are a color that prior to had only ever appeared on the ENDS of my hair) and lowlights (read: read streaks). It makes for an interesting mix, to say the least. I refuse to make a decision about my opinion about it yet for a few reasons...

this is the first time I've done this, of course I am going to second, then third and fourth guess myself
I haven't "done" it yet, and you know that makes a huge difference
I'm concerned that, on some level, I may not like the decision and the only way to fix it would be to chop it all off and I know I would not like that plan

Ok, so I am done. I don't know how posty I'll be able to be this week. It's not for a lack of wanting to post, it's just for an excessive number of outside commitments. (Did I mention that I met another someone - randomly - and I have a date tomorrow? I don't have very high hopes as he seems a bit dull but whatever, I can at least see how he reacts to the hair... and there was initially something so I don't want the second reaction to completely negate the first...)

Plus I have a dentist appointment (oops, almost forgot, glad they called) and have SOOOOO much work to do before I leave this weekend I can't stand it... between lacrosse and my "real" job I don't know how I'm going to find time to breathe, let alone sleep...

Then there is the whole, we still haven't gotten the final schedule for this weekend so we have been unable to work on it. And Tuesday is already over. But I really don't want to think about the implications of that so I'll move on...

Oh, the X. Well, we "chatted" today via e-mail. I didn't tell him what was wrong (because I'm not quite sure myself to be completely honest) but I did tell him I wasn't in the most happy and positive places. He understands that means I don't want to talk, but he did offer that if I did want to he would be there. He has (apparently) gained himself a new scar or two from being over there, but is at least back in the (relatively) safe Sicily (because I mean come on, if the US and London aren't safe where is???).

Sometimes I wonder why it is that I do this to myself.

(And seriously, how more depressed and sad can I sound? If I don't cut it out soon no one will read this anymore...)

And I MISS MY DOG

Ok, I'm done. Good night, love you all...

...

2005-07-19T09:35:00.000-04:00

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?

bad thoughts...

2005-07-18T21:58:00.000-04:00

So I randomly received a message from my X, you know, the X. Apparently he is still alive which is a good thing (I guess - I mean, I don't wish anyone harm and I still care about him and all but I don't know, part of me thinks my life would be easier if either he or I weren't around - and me not being around is a bad topic to discuss and really wouldn't make my life any better, if you know what I mean, so that's where I was going with that).

Anyway. So like I was saying, he is alive and kicking.

And right now I am not in a good place. I have a difficult time with the trust thing, as I know you know (if not, please see any random sampling of my previous posts and you'll get to read about it - I am apparently not all that shy). Something happened this weekend. It was not good. I am not doing well, but I am doing as much as I can to work on making it and me better. I don't know when/if it'll happen but I am trying, ok?

He wrote to basically be in touch, that was it. (At least, that was his pretext, as for the true intent I don't know for sure.) I wrote back, acknowledging he was alive (I thought), and he asked very pointedly what was wrong. Am I that transparent? It was seriously three sentences, that's it. I didn't think I was revealing anything, good or bad.

The bad thoughts have been non-stop since his response - I am tempted as if by the devil himself - to open up and tell him what is going on, and let him (my X, not the devil) be part of me getting myself back to a place where it is all better. Or at least acceptable. Because I mean come on, who are we kidding? All better? I don't know if I believe that it is even possible anymore...

Why does it always seem that his timing is just so???

the baby's room

2005-07-18T19:41:00.000-04:00

So my first niece is going to be 2 in November. Before she was born my sister had this idea to do something creative with her room. We (my Mom, sister and I) talked about it and these are some of the pictures of what resulted. I hand drew all the characters from different things we found in books and online, and they helped me paint some...

Alive

2005-07-18T11:02:00.000-04:00

I am here. I am alive. I am home.

A LOT went on this weekend and I will do my best to get into it with you all... later. Right now I'm exhausted and just woke up from a nap. I am going to my Mom's to - can you guess??? If you said to yourself "work on (yet another) a lacrosse tournament" you would be correct. That is unless we didn't get the schedule yet - then we will be harassing she who is organizing this tournament to get it to us ASAP.

Then we may go shopping.

Right now just know that I am tired, my tan lines are probably going to become permanent, and I really miss my dog.

Scorpio

2005-07-13T17:22:00.000-04:00

Also, Scorpio falls hard, emotionally involving themselves almost to the point of no return...

Good to remember.

Extremely good to maintain emotional distance, for a good couple of weeks at the very least...

quote

2005-07-13T08:25:00.000-04:00

"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading."
~ Lao Tzu

therapy

2005-07-13T07:23:00.000-04:00

Have I told you how helpful I have found this site? It really seems to help me a lot and I am very glad for it. I have decided that no matter how difficult it is to read my long ass, rambling posts they are good for me so I am going to keep going with them.

I'm sure you've noticed that I am not a writer. There is no form or structure to what I put here and if anything it's somewhat stream of consciousness, which is a very good thing. By doing that I am not censoring myself and whatever it is that needs to be worked out can and that is a fantastic thing. There is something about it being "public" that forces me to be honest, both with the world and with myself. That is the best thing...

I am exhausted today. I am also only going to be here until lunch time, then I'm out of here until sometime next week. I've taken off until next Wednesday, but I'll probably roll in sometime Monday or Tuesday, I don't know. We'll see how I feel after the weekend.

All Star Express is all scheduled, and as of right now all the changes we were told about have been made. Changes you ask? Yes, you know, like the people who say 'oh, I thought by the tournament runs 8am-8pm you really meant I wouldn't start until noon so can you fix that?' or the 'I replied to the e-mail in JANUARY that I was interested and thought that was enough, you mean you didn't put me on the schedule because I didn't respond to any of the other e-mails you sent?' and other such idiotic things like that.

Now we get to work on next weekend's tournament, The Galaxy Championships. It's a 2 day tournament with ~9 fields running from ?-?. I know, it's going to be fun to work on with all that information, right???

Anyway, so I am going to be good and get to work. I'll try to get on over the next few days so you don't miss me too much.

Less than a week to new hair!

Windshield

2005-07-12T12:46:00.000-04:00

Before you stress, CAMMI IS OK.

Now, for a brief re-cap of the events resulting in my needing a new windshield...

So Friday I worked for a while, then went home and worked some more. At 630 I went to my very wonderful yoga class and after went home for a relaxing evening to myself. It was lovely. I had a glass of wine and watched My Big, Fat Greek Wedding which is so adorable and realistic. The more I get to know some of my Greek friends, the more real I discover it is... but I digress.

Saturday morning I had the alarm set and got up a little after 6 and went to work on the schedule. Left there around 830am to take Cam to the vet for a few of her regular vaccines. Actually, it was more than a few but she was a trooper. On the way there I noticed an accident on the E/B side of 50 and made a little mental note to take the Academy bridge home. No problem.

Well, the vet took a bit longer than expected because of the previously mentioned million and one shots she got. While I was there I overheard some people talking about the traffic - according to one person both sides of 50 were shut down, and the Academy bridge had the entire city sitting like a parking lot.

Oh so not good.

Eventually we left and if I were alone I would have probably just gone shopping to wait it out. Since I had Cam I needed to do something. I decided to take 97 north and come through Severna Park. Great, no problem. Except I am so unfamiliar with that route it's embarrassing. And I needed gas.

I took the wrong exit and had to figure out how to get back on. As I was driving I realized I was about to miss my turn (and I am still driving with no additional gas) so I had to slow quickly and make a bit of a turn, all at the same time. Well Cammi was being a pain, in the front, in the back, in the front, and so on. She was in the process of moving around when I needed to make my sudden change and she slid forward into the dash...

Her nose hit the windshield and instantly there was a spider crack about the size of a salad plate. Not good. I pulled over to make sure she was ok (I was freaking out for a minute there). She didn't yelp at all and her nose seemed fine. No bleeding. Not tender to the touch.

I called my Mom and told her what happened. She supported my decision that Cammi would be ok to go home rather than back to the vet. The rest of the day I watched her and there didn't appear to be any problems at all (which is a very good thing - I don't know what I would have done if she would have been hurt).

I called when I got back, before resuming working on the schedule, and made an appointment for a new windshield to be put in yesterday while I was at work. They did and it's FANTASTIC!!!

Ok, I have more I want to talk about but someone (who will remain nameless, but you know who you are) has told me that keeping up with the reading on here is an arduous task that she hasn't had the time or energy to undertake. Party-pooper. So I'm going to try and keep it a little shorter... try...

search

2005-07-11T08:46:00.000-04:00

Have you ever done a "google" search (or other, for this question the searching is what counts more than the search engine used) on yourself?

I have. In the past I never found myself and for some reason found that comforting. I did it again today and of all the possible hits, the first one that was actually me was 6 back. My name was mentioned in an online PDF file thanking all the participating referees of a tournament a few years back. The only other instances of me that I found were from Ms Arleigh's site (which is currently not available and that is annoying) and in results posted from a race I was in.

The main hits are a DJ in the UK, a visual artist, a NCAA basketball player (if you saw me you would laugh to think that I would be in any way associated w/ that - very, very short - not terribly hand/ball coordinated), and a life coach. There is a doctor, someone in some way associated with Canadian Idol, a high ranking women's tennis chair umpire (she's British), an author and a number of sites in a language I am not familiar with. And I just found a link to someone with my name who is very pretty, and very uninhibited if the pictures are really her... wow, not expecting that!

I sometimes think what it would be like to be that person - you know - sort of like how would my life be different and all of that?

Anyway, I want to keep talking about this but I just got a phone call that has totally distracted my ability to think about this right now. I would make a draft but then it would never be realized and that's sad.

Hope you all are having a great, or at least not horrible, day. I love you and if you need me you know how to find me.

the festival

2005-07-08T14:11:00.000-04:00

So in case you didn't know this about me, over the past few years I have become "one of those people" who dress up for the Renaissance Festival--

This picture is from the last day of the season last year (October something). I'm with some random, adorable boy who I would have been more than happy to play Mrs. Robinson with...

Apparently the last day of the season is "odds day" for the very regulars. That's why the knight is wearing the tutu and there were men in corsets, and all sort of other unusual sites. Unusual even for the festival. It was a blast! And in the fall it's great because you don't sweat to death under all of those clothes.

MD Ren Festival

This will be my second year of buying an all season pass so on the weekend if you want to find me check here first, and if I'm not there check the lacrosse fields...

(and yes, I do realize that the first picture of myself that I have chosen to share with the blogging world is me in full costume, get over it)

Extra(ordinary) Girl

2005-07-08T09:50:00.000-04:00

she's an extra(ordinary) girl
in an ordinary world
and she can't get away
she's all alone again
wiping the tears from her eyes
she gets so sick of crying
she sees the mirror of herself
an image she wants to sell
to anyone willing to buy
she's all alone again
wiping the tears from her eyes
some days it's not worth trying
now that they both are finding
she gets so sick of crying

Did I ever mention how much I love Greenday, because I do? And I lust each and every member as well. I would love to believe that I would let them have their way with me. Such a fun idea to ponder.

You know, I was thinking about my friends and how they say that I'm different. I'm not so sure I believe them anymore. Now I'm thinking that maybe, possibly, they say things like that because they know it makes me feel better and allows me to feel good about myself. They love me and don't want me to be sad so they do what they can to make me better, but in reality I am quite possibly a most extremely ordinary person.

Maybe that's the real secret and reason for everything.

Oh, and for those of you who may actually someday find yourself reading this I would like you to understand that while I have thought each and every thing I've written here it doesn't necessarily mean that I have bought into it all. They are things that run through my head. You're allowed to have thoughts w/o them being complete fact. Some things I believe all the time, some I believe some of the time, and some I only believe when I am really very low.

Please don't think you can know me simply by reading my thoughts.

problem

2005-07-08T08:24:00.000-04:00

I'm starting to realize that maybe there was a reason that I was dragging my feet about learning to post pictures. Now all I want to do, rather than work, is find and load pictures and share, share, then share some more (think of it as a "modern" version or the longest slide show you couldn't hope to endure, then add about 20 more shots).

You have no idea what I'm fighting in myself right now...

testing, testing 1... 2... 3...

2005-07-08T08:15:00.000-04:00

Is this not the best picture you've ever seen? I know it is. For a few reasons that I will mention here:

1. It's on MY BLOG (which means that I have finally come through with the promise to provide images to accompany my ranting)
2. They are MY FEET (hence, I took the picture and do you see how great it turned out?? do you?)
3. It's HAWAII (enough said)

I think I'm going to go die of excitement right now...

RED!!!

2005-07-07T14:09:00.000-04:00

In less than 2 weeks I am going to take the plunge and get my hair colored, permanently (not a rinse) for the very first time. I am very excited, but nervous, at the same time.

In case you didn't pick up on it, am going red again. This time it's going to be a lighter, more summer-y red which is why the professional is needed. More like a strawberry, unless she thinks that's a bad plan.

The lady I'm going to is the same person who does my Mom's hair so I trust her. I think it's technically going to be "highlights" so when my hair starts to grow out it's not so obvious. That is a good thing.

I WILL take pictures, and I promise I WILL take the 5 minutes (give or take) and learn to post them. Ok?

So be happy, I'm going to be a redhead!

very post-y, post-y

2005-07-07T07:37:00.000-04:00

Um, so yeah. So sorry about the million and one posts lately. Apparently I'm just going to keep going until someone, anyone actually acknowledges me. Or maybe that wouldn't even get me to stop, who knows? At this point there is no use pondering because NO ONE IS COMMENTING.

Ah, ok, now I feel better. Sort of. On the other hand I feel like I am floundering here, all alone, and that I am writing all of this to myself. That there is no one reading it but me.

But then, that is the purpose of a journal right? And in a strange, sort of public way that's exactly what this is so fine. Ok. I'm alone here and it's ok. At least I don't have to worry about any mean comments if I am by myself.

So did I tell you that I am doing a "music exchange program" with my db (desk buddy, a co-worker, I can explain the purpose and meaning further if you require it but it's not all that exciting). Anyway, if I didn't I'll give you the abridged version; he listens to rap/hip hop (which I still don't understand the difference there of but whatever) and I listen to just about everything else. Every week we trade cd's for the week and promise to take the time to listen all the way through at least one time so we can then discuss.

I now own an Eminem cd and I really, really like it. This scares me a little.

He has discovered an affinity for Garbage. I think it scares him.

Anyway, so we've been trading for a while now and it's been fun. Well yesterday (how sweet is this btw?) he brought in what was apparently an extra copy of My Big Fat Greek Wedding for me to have. He is Greek and had been to a wedding over the holiday and the movies were the wedding favor. He already had a copy so just thought I would want to have it.

I'm very excited because I really enjoyed it and now I have another movie to add to my very small and sad collection. There are a million movies I would like to have, but I'm just not that driven to purchase. Shoes are so much more fun ya know?

Tired of being different

2005-07-06T11:41:00.000-04:00

So I have guy friends that I talk to, about everything. And I do mean everything. One comment that has been made to me on very separate occasions is how different I am. I am not like other women. This was always said in a semi-wonder, positive way.

I thought it was a good thing.

My parents raised me that it was ok, and even encouraged, to be different. That made you special (and not in a short bus kind of way, smartass). Unique is good, right?

I'm not so sure anymore.

I think I want to be just like every other woman out there as far as guys/relationships go. I want to be emotionally irresponsible and to not always be the one who looks out for both parties' long-term interests. It would be easier that way.

I don't want to be realistic anymore.

I want to believe that the world and people are all sunshine, roses and happiness again. That people don't do mean things on purpose and that they are honest, not manipulative or misleading. That they act from a place and motivation to be good and true and loving to all others.

I want to believe that everything will work out like it is supposed to in the end.

I know this is not the world we live in, but I don't think I care.

side note

2005-07-06T09:20:00.000-04:00

The ever-transient Arleigh is no longer in Boston. That is good for me because now I don't need to go back up there. I had been a few years ago and while I did enjoy the town, there were some negatives as well. Plus it is WAY FRICKING COLD up there.

All indications point to her being in the Philly area for at least a little while. This is a good thing for me because when I do get around to getting myself a bike (which I really, really want to do - perhaps after All Star as a hooray I survived gift to self???) I can just drive up there to see her. Plus, if anything happens to the thing she'll be close enough to fix it.

Is it wrong that ALL I want to do today is write on this thing???

(and did you notice all the questions and need for reassurance I'm demonstrating today - what's up with that?)

dream

2005-07-06T08:39:00.000-04:00

So yes, I remembered another one. I hope this is going to happen more, rather than less, often. I was doing well for a little while there and had whole episodes with sequences. Then nothing. Whatever, last night I had another one.

I don't know where I was or what I was doing. All I know is that there were a lot of other people around. The point is that Kyan (from Queer Eye - which I am totally addicted to btw) said to me throughout the course of the evening, on at least 2 separate occasions, how he loved my hair and not to do anything to it. He would touch and stroke it.

I felt very special.

When I woke up I thought that it was a nice, but strange, dream.

have you ever noticed?

2005-07-06T07:45:00.000-04:00

I was wondering if you noticed that not only do I post randomly, but that when there is some sort of shift in my life/thinking I post a lot? Is it just me and my perception? I don't know and more importantly, I'm not sure if I care. It seems that way to me so I'm going to choose to believe it to be true.

So yesterday I went to 6-Flags in Maryland. It had been a few years since I had been to any amusement park (well, aside from my bi-annual trips to Disney, but I don't really put them into the same category). The last one I had been to was King's Dominion (I think). I have to say, what I remember of KD it is WAY better than 6-Flags. I think that park is just getting worse but the day. I know it's not in the best area of MD, but I don't remember it ever being this bad. It's like whomever is managing it has decided there is nothing he (or she) can do and given up.

The grass is mostly burnt, there are little to no trees, there is bare dirt everywhere, and to go from ride to ride there is nothing. You just walk along a seemingly random pathway until you get to the line. It is so boring and unattractive.

When I first became aware of this particular park it was called Wild World and was, for the most part, a water park. I was little and it was a lot of fun. Then they added a number of dry rides and called it Adventure World. A few years after that 6-Flags bought it and that's what it is known as today.

Yesterday I realized that, although the lines were very short, I don't think I'll be going back anytime soon. It just didn't feel right - like it felt a little trashy/junky. I'd rather take the extra time and drive down to KD. Or maybe now that I actually ride rollercoasters I'll head up to Hershey or down to Bush Gardens.

I did love the Batwing though. If you're not familiar, it's a fantastic rollercoaster where they strap you in, then the seats tilt and you "fly" along the track. Like you feel your weight supported by the straps and harness, not the seat. It was soooo much fun! Had we only ridden that I would have been happy.

There is also this fantastic water ride - the Tornado. WAY amazing super fun. I would almost be convinced to go back just to ride this - over and over and over again. And then one more time just because.

It's "a massive water thrill ride" that is bright blue and yellow and looks like a giant funnel. You ride in a 4-person "clover" shaped raft and you go through a tunnel, with a steep drop in it that dumps into the big part of the funnel - then you sling up the one side, over to the other, then back again until you dump out at the bottom. SO MUCH FUN. Who ever dreamed this up was probably on drugs but I don't care because it's brilliant.

We got there (I met friends from my old, intelligent job for this excursion) when it opened and went right to the wet ride. Bad idea. After a few spins on the one wooden rollercoaster Dave and I decided that wet shoes suck and went back to the cars to change. We did all the dry rides we were interested in then spent the rest of the day at the water park.

Around 530-6 it was getting suddenly dark, I was getting done with the whole ride thing and Dave needed to leave to get home in time to see his kids to bed. I was thinking about blowing out with him, but didn't want to seem like a party pooper.

Then I started hearing what I believed to be thunder.

There was no reaction by the "life guards" or any other workers so I naturally assumed that it must be a ride, because they must monitor for those sorts of things. Thunder is lightning, as we all know, and very dangerous. Especially when you're swimming or riding a giant metal coaster.

Then I heard it again, and more frequently. I decided that I would trust my instincts and get the heck out of there. I was ready to go anyway and I was less and less convinced in the competency of the various guards.

One of the girls also decided to join us so we headed out. As we hit the exit there was a huge roll of what could only possibly be thunder and I made some comment in passing. Prior to that point I had made my decision, but was still doing the typical Ali thing of second-guessing myself. It's tough teaching yourself to trust your own instincts after years of beating them into submission and I need all the support and encouragement I can get.

There were 3 workers standing by who overheard my comment to my friends (and myself). The one guy responded, "oh nah, it wasn't thunder, it was just the rollercoaster". Ha. Double Ha. I am not that big of a dumbass. And if I was a mean spirited person I would have wished that something bad happened to a park guest just so next time they take the weather a little bit more seriously. But I'm not so I didn't.

Besides, they just had the lady who had a heart attack on the one waterslide so it was closed pending the investigation. They really don't need another death this soon.

As we hit the parking lot the rain started to drip.

When we made it to the highway the rain was pouring. We stopped along the way and had dinner, watching the light show the entire time. I feel bad for the people who got caught in it, but that's the way it goes sometimes.

I was happy for the day because I got to catch up with them and all the things that had been happening since I left that part of my life. Part of me really wants to go back, but I don't know. I don't want to risk being disenchanted. I don't want to face that they really don't need or want me.

I just don't know, is it possible to go back???

my home

2005-07-05T07:31:00.000-04:00

For those of you who have never been to my home, or at least not recently, I tend to keep parts of my house neat and parts of it messy and cluttered. It drives me crazy. I close the door to the mess or don't go into that part of the house. I have so much un-used living area it's a shame.

I have been slowly working on improving that (as you can read all about my various home improvements and projects in past posts).

The "slowly" is no longer working for me. I am determined to clear the crap and live in a place that I love. If I don't like it, I will change it. I am making that decision RIGHT NOW.

It's been getting on my nerves for quite a while, but as you know I am very good at deceiving myself. I was reading something this morning about "faux feng shui" and how it is the new-age Western "fix all" miracle cure. I am interested in feng shui and have read a few books on the concepts (which is why I was randomly reading about it online of course). For the most part I find the style visually appealing and have been, in baby steps of course, blending it into my own decorating concept.

I read this:

Clutter is just the accumulation of postponed decisions... you haven't taken the time to decide whether to keep something or throw it out, so there it sits until you do... it is mere procrastination... procrastination can have significant effects on many areas of life...

Which is what inspired me to finally make the commitment within myself to stop the procrastination and make the decisions to get the junk out. It is a daunting task but something that I know I need to accomplish.

Almost

2005-07-04T08:58:00.000-04:00

Happy 4th!!!

So I got up this morning at a normal time (although when you think about the lack of sleep I had maybe it wasn't so normal - but that's just too bad). Since I had the day off I decided to go to yoga - healing, strengthening, centering yoga - have I told you how I love it? Because if not, I do - and without it I'm not sure where my head would be right now - certainly a much worse place than it is. My teacher is a God send in the true sense of the concept (she teaches the Friday class I attend as well as the one I made it to today). I believe that I was driven to be in her class because I would need her style of teaching and guidance to find and maintain my own sense of self at this point in my life.

I am working on myself. I would like to regain the ability to be open and completely honest; trusting, but still cautious. I am remembering what it means to love and be kind to oneself.

I am thankful for my girl friend, who will shortly be moving to CA. She could see from the outside what I would not let myself see inside and helped me know the course of action that I needed to take. The care she showed me has put me where I am now, but saved me from making a mistake that in the past I have always seemed doomed to repeat.

And I almost lost my purpose (and btw, I am sitting in my basement freezing my butt off - when did it get so cold???) In class I was working and focusing but it was difficult for me to let go of the thoughts running in my head. I did manage to quiet them, but nothing like the normal silence I am able to achieve. (I think I will work later this afternoon alone and see if I can manage on my own. It will be my first attempt at self guided meditation, so with me luck.)

So the voices are running around my brain, and I am apparently unable to hold anything beyond the most basic pose. There was another class after ours and the teacher didn't realize, so our final closing meditation was cut very short. I am grateful to have been there, but was not able to accomplish the calm I usually experience. I'm not so concerned because I am way better than I was and that is good.

On my way home I was still in that in between place - not in my head, but also not outside of it. I was driving a normal speed following loosely behind another car. The light turned and they apparently started to slow. Something, luckily, told me to look up and I slammed on my brakes. The tires screamed. I stopped short of hitting the person by maybe 2', but for a few seconds there I wasn't sure.

I need to remember that there are worse places I could be in life and find joy in that. Be grateful in the love that I do receive and to know that people give what they can. It is not a reflection on my inability to inspire or deserve love.

Fun while it lasted

2005-07-04T03:22:00.000-04:00

So I admit it. I am a girl.

Sometimes that really sucks.

I have been steadily thinking that I wanted to know what the boy thought about the thing that I realized I was beginning to think about calling a relationship. I was beginning to become emotionally involved. I was pretty sure he wasn't seeing anyone else, but I know (some of) his history and I was pretty confident he was not necessarily going to be there with me (if at all).

It got to the point that it didn't matter. In order to save myself any real trauma or pain I needed to bring it out into the open and "talk". I hate talking.

We did.

I was right in that he was not seeing anyone else. I was also right that he would not specifically be against seeing someone. I was a wrong in thinking that it would bother him, even a little, if I did. Apparently he would have been completely ok with it. I was not ok with that.

A lot not ok.

I told him I couldn't see him anymore.

I am very sad right now but I know it was the right thing to do. I am writing this because if I don't I may try and devise a way to "sort of" see him, which is not an option. With it in print and online for the world to see you can be my support when I am feeling weak, and my angel on the shoulder when I try and tell myself that I will be fine and it would not be a bad idea to just go hang out "as friends" (with the possibility for benefits of course)...

I am too far into thinking about this in a different way, and I am too open to him emotionally, for that to be possible now... before, no problem, but not now...

I am sad and I do have serious concerns about myself and my future... and I of course wonder if I will be able to allow myself to believe that someone out there could possibly, actually love me... because right now I do not believe it and that is what I am truly sad about...

Women's Lacrosse World Cup

2005-06-30T13:08:00.000-04:00

The final is this Saturday in Annapolis at 3. Can you guess where I'm going to be Saturday at 3? I'll give you 3 guesses and the first 2 don't count...

It's probably going to be Australia v. U.S. and they've already played once in the initial play. It ended in a 7-7 tie. It should be a very good game and I'm excited. I don't know that I'll ever get such an easy chance to see a world cup game and I can't pass the opportunity up. I mean, come on, it's practically in my back yard.

That night, after she's done with the banquets and whatever, I am going to head out in town with a really great friend of mine. She's going back home Sunday so I've got to get out with her at least one more time before she's gone... In August she's moving to southern CA. Then I will begin planning my first trip to the sunshine state.

Anyway, so I know I've been MIA and I am sorry. I'll try and do better. Even if it's just to come on and say that there is so much happening I don't have time to tell you about it.

Love you all!

unhappy

2005-06-24T08:42:00.000-04:00

I have recently been very cranky and somewhat emotionally unstable. Like more than normal. Everything would be fine then, BOOM, I would flip at nothing and became completely unable to control myself or my reaction. I would cry. I would scream. I would rant and I would rage.

You know how I like to be in control. I recognized that there was something going on but didn't really know or understand what was happening so I just blamed it on stress, hormones, etc. and kept on keeping on.

Just like always.

I am very good at self-deception as I do believe I've told you before.

Then I sat down with my supervisor (of all people) for a regularly scheduled meeting/performance review sort of thing. Basically it's a bitch fest on my part because you know how I hate it here in hell and I am very good at identifying and expressing my hate. He knows and expects this and so do I. No matter how I attempt to keep it positive, there is always the underlying badness of it all.

Anyway, so while we were talking he asked me something that I wasn't prepared to answer and hadn't allowed myself to look at previously. "What specifically is it about here that I hate?" and "What could change that would make (me) not hate coming to work here in the morning?"

Hmm.

Things I hate about this place

Petty, back stabbing people who are looking for things to "tattle" on you about (here's a secret - I am not perfect - ok, now pass it on so people stop getting so excited when they realize it on their own that they have to share any little imperfection I have with the world, ok?)
Unrealistic expectations. As in, you are given specific things to accomplish that when given by the supervisor he tells you he knows that taking care of all of them would be impossible to accomplish but gives them anyway. Do you have any idea how demoralizing it is to consistently be set up to fail and have no way to succeed?
I hate being treated like a child. In order to be out sick there must be a doctor's note. In order to use EARNED LEAVE, of any sort, you need approval by 2 different people. Even though I was hired with "flex time" it's not flex time - if I am not going to be in my normal hours I have to get approval (so if I am feeling bad and want to come in an hour later than normal, rather than just sleep in and work late I have to get up and call in which leads to the 'since I'm up already may as well go in and get it over with' feeling).
I hate people being all up in my business. If it was something you needed to know, you would. If you are part of the right clique, or your skin is the correct color (and no, I am not kidding you here and no, white is not the "right" color) you can do nothing and are not held accountable for anything. Otherwise you are watched constantly - and heaven forbid you're gone more than the "allotted time" for lunch. It's like high school all over again and the gossip is insane and contstant about EVERYTHING. Not just the good stuff, but literally EVERYTHING. Like, when you walk in, how long you're gone, where you go, why you've gone, how much vacation you, how much you use, and so on. Get over it. I was never part of any crowd in school; I just sort of floated and did my own thing. I am not and have no desire to be part of a crowd now.
Structure/mode of business. A large majority of the work rests with a small number of people - and if there is any complication in what happened it has to go through 10 people to finally resolve anything. Work is constantly being repeated over and over and it's such a waste of time, energy and resources.
No Team concept. I believe in the team concept and sportsmanship and that is the mentality that I live. Taken broadly enough it can be applied to everything. No one here is a team player and there is no benefit to be one. In fact, it can be to your disadvantage to be "team" here.

Which all just boils down to an environment of negative energy. It's a bad place to be. It wears on your everything. When I wake up and have to come in I spend a little time "surrounding myself in good" like a little "bubble" of protection. It's getting harder and harder to maintain the separation.

My sanity comes from lacrosse. Which is also a source of stress for me at this time. And a big drain on any and all personal time I have. I want it because it is a place of happy. I have to be careful because I can and have neglected my life and responsibilities for it and the good and positive it brings. I hurt myself and my relationships for it and that, in the end, is very not good.

Now that I have been forced to see and look at what is happening and what I am doing to myself I can no longer no see it. I have to do something. My problem is that I'm not sure what that something is.

Sometimes I wish I could call for a time out, talk to the coach and devise a new plan.

Happy Summer!!!

2005-06-21T09:08:00.000-04:00

Happy first day of summer!

It's hot and I love it.

It's been a long weekend, starting with Thursday night. I am a freak, let me just start there. Next, take into consideration that I don't trust suitors easily, if ever at all. Last, remember that I was under massive stress and getting my monthly reminder that I am in fact a woman last week, ok?

So my intuition was driving me crazy all day long. I was going nuts. I don't know one way or the other if it was valid or not, but either way the boy and I have no responsibility to the other aside from notifying prior to sex with someone else. That's it. Intuition has no right to be going crazy. I'm not sure if it was and was valid, or if I was just picking something else to focus and stress on but either way I freaked a little. I got myself all sort of upset and backed out of going out with the boy and told him I didn't know if I could do this. That upset him (which in a very sick way I think is a good thing because it shows that he at least places some value on the whatever-it-is that we have).

He came over anyway and I talked to him, explained as well as I was able what was going on in my head and apologized for being a freak. He accepted and seemed to understand and it was good. Then I got laid and it was very good.

Friday I got up super early and worked with Mom for 1 1/2-2 hours before she had to leave for class. Then I ran errands, including going to Kinko's with the schedule and concluding with picking up my Dad from the body shop. A week or two ago he and my Mom were hit in his new car and it's being fixed this week. We left around lunch time and made it there 3-4 hours later. Checked in and went to the liquor store. On the way home we called the tournament directors and detoured to the fields because one of them needed to "be looked at".

Hmmm. Not a good sound to that.

We got there and it was maybe, possibly, half the size of a regulation field. It was bordered by a 3' gravel and rock ditch, and one side of the field was lined with telephone poles which held wire that was maybe 8' off the ground. The girls throw and catch the ball in the air. The sticks are ~3', and a large majority of the players are over 5' tall, so you do the math.

Needless to say we vetoed the field and then spent the next few hours evaluating the entire site and planning where to place the missing field.

Saturday I got up around 530, went to the field and was working, either in the tent or on the field from the time I got there (around 7-715am) until all the games were done ~730pm. Got back to the hotel, showered and down to the hotel restaurant for dinner with 12 or so other people. Then over to the bar to socialize with some of the coaches and directors of the various clubs. A drink later and it was time to go back to the room to do paperwork for the next day. In bed around 11 I think...

Sunday was a repeat of Saturday, with less time actually on the field working and more in the tent. It was ok though because the weather was bad in the beginning and being under the tent I stayed dry - and we were there until after 8. We had dinner just the 3 of us in our "safety green" a.k.a. Neon REF shirts. By the time we got to the hotel there was nothing on tv so I had a drink and went to bed. It was something like 1030 or so.

Woke up around 8, packed and drove home. Did the laundry then back to Mom's to work on closing the tournament. We've got maybe another few hours and it's over. We would have finished except we then had to go to referee up in Baltimore (because clearly there wasn't enough refereeing done this weekend...)

Sometimes I question my own sanity and the choices I make.

Well, now it's time to get back to work so I can leave on time because... you guessed it! More lacrosse tonight!!!

Short

2005-06-16T07:38:00.000-04:00

So I am sorry but you are just going to have to handle living with small doses of Ali - that's about all I can afford to give right now...

Last night Hero's went well and after I worked for a little while with Mom. I got home around 9 and promptly realized there was nothing worth watching on TV & fell asleep. Sans alcohol. I know you're proud. That's like 2 nights in a row without anything but too much caffeine.

Of course I did wake up at least 4-5 separate times because the dog moved. We decided she was sick and that's why the mess yesterday. I didn't want to have a repeate clean-up session so naturally I gave up good, restful quality sleep instead...

Did I mention that I am completely exhausted? Because I am.

I didn't sleep for long because the boy called and we chatted for a little while. He's trying to get together before I leave for the weekend but I'm not sure if that's going to be possible. It's all going to hinge on how much work Mom gets done today, and then we get done this afternoon. Luckily I got in at 7 and will therefore leave at 330.

Then I spoke with Arleigh for a little while and she's sad in the cold. I feel bad because I know just how much cold does suck and there is nothing I can offer to comfort or cheer.

I'm so cranky right now from lack of sleep and I think it's time for my monthly mood swings. Ahh, isn't life fun sometimes???

Quick

2005-06-15T13:10:00.000-04:00

So I am still alive. I survived the weekend. I am still working with a significant sleep deficit, but whatever right? I miss talking to everyone, on this thing and off, but it doesn't appear that I am going to have any time to catch up anytime in the near future.

Just know that for now things are still going well with the young one - although I think it kinda bugs him a little that I tease so much about him being a "boy" - but then I don't feel bad because he teases me about being old - so I guess we're even - my sex - and personal - life, for that matter - are still intact and that is a very good thing.

The beach lacrosse festival went just fine. Some strangeness and if I can I will tell you about it all. Right now I'm in high gear working on the NJ tournament this weekend. I am not having fun. I woke up this morning at 5 to my dog shitting on my beautiful, still new, white bedroom rug. I was not a happy camper. My day has gone downhill from there and when I get home I have a sinking feeling that in spite of all the Febreeze I used it's still going to smell like poop in my house.

This is the closest I've been to sending her back to the pound and that is so not a good thing.

I just keep telling myself that IT HAS GOT TO GET BETTER SOON.

Busy, busy

2005-06-09T08:16:00.000-04:00

Quick re-cap of what's been going on since last Friday...

Friday night - After work I went to the hospital and visited the newest addition to the family. She is adorable and so much bigger than I remember she should be... She was awake for the whole visit and has the biggest, most expressive eyes. She likes to grip your fingers and kick her legs all around. She does not like to be all wrapped up tight in a blanket.

I went to yoga and that was it for me for the night. I know. I'm old and boring.

Saturday - Got up around 6. Went over to Mom's to get a few hours work done before the tournament - and found out it was cancelled? Apparently all the rain Friday had flooded the fields so even though it was lovely out we had the day off.

Worked for a few hours then went and had my oil changed. Then it was time to go over the bridge and visit my sister and the new baby. It was a very nice visit and now there is actual photographic evidence that I have, in fact, seen her in person.

While I was home later that night sort of cleaning, sort of goofing off my neighbor came by and invited me out with them. I told him maybe then later decided no. I think if I don't go out with them soon they're going to stop inviting me. I'm not convinced that would be a bad thing. I decided no because I had actually found the banana bread recipe (yippie!) and had to make some for Liz's party Sunday.

Instead of going out I stayed in to bake bread and watch a movie (Napoleon Dynamite if you were wondering). I know. I'm old and boring.

Sunday - The hottest day thus far and we had a tournament. Ugh. Got to the field an hour early and everything ran smoothly all day, with only 1 or 2 minor bumps in the road. Fantastic. Left before it was over so I could get to the party. Did the shower thing and was only an hour late, which is not bad when you consider that I was walking off the field when it started. And I had showered.

(If you don't know, less then 30 minutes is considered a "quick" shower in Ali terms)

The party was nice and she loved the top I got her - it was great and I don't remember if I told you all about it or not - think hippie backless tank top - but then not backless because it has a nice neutral liner that went all the way around - and in earthy orange and maroons with beading and sequins. So cute.

Got home and the boy had called. Called him back and made arrangements to see him after his Monday class. Went to bed without even realizing I was missing Charmed. Like I said. Old. Boring.

Monday - Work (boo). Home to Mom's house and more work (but it was lacrosse stuff so no boo). I got home around 8 and still had some bananas that were VERY ripe so I made another banana bread. The boy came over and we, well, let's just say I think I got maybe 3 hours of sleep and he did stay the night.

Ok, so maybe not quite so old. But still boring.

Tuesday - Worked at Mom's for a few hours before work on the schedule. Was a zombie at work. Went out at lunch to pick up a small gift for one of the referees who is having surgery in 2 weeks. Got back to Mom's and finished the schedule. Went to the printer (a.k.a. Kinkos - which is now FedEx Kinkos and more annoying than before if it's at all possible) with the schedules for Beach Fest.

Wednesday - I spent the entire work day in "training". It was annoying. I had to stay until 5. Then I ran back to Mom's for dinner and went on over to Hero's for lacrosse. Ah, I love summer lacrosse. Relaxed, enjoyable and running clock. Can you possibly ask for more?

Picked Cam up and headed for home. As I was walking in the door the boy was calling. He was out of class and wanted to know if rather than just come over if I wanted to go out. Yes, of course. I hopped into the shower and then he was there and we were out. We just went to a little local place and didn't stay too long. I was supposed to be doing the laundry and he was supposed to be studying. He took me home and wound up leaving right around midnight. I know, not exactly "early" but not too late either. I still got 6 full hours of sleep which is a good thing.

Today - Well, I did the work at Mom's thing for an hour then off to work. Tonight I have got to do laundry. At least what I'll need for this weekend. Or maybe not. There is, after all, a washing machine down there... Ok, so I just have to pack everything. A few people are getting together tonight for the lady who is having the surgery so I'll go to that, then I'm off to the beach! Unless I drink, then I'll get up ass-early and head on down. I am determined to see the ocean for at least an hour before the tournament starts and I am chained to the fields...

So that's it. Not too exciting but at least a little bit of what I've been up to. I hope you have a great weekend and I'll be back Monday!

7lbs 14oz

2005-06-03T10:34:00.000-04:00

She is here and I haven't met her yet, but all reports show that she is just fine. Her name is going to be either Taylor or Cooper according to my sister this morning. Right now I just call her my new baby.

Last night my sister went into labor and after a scant 3 hours the new princess was here. After work I am going to go and meet her at the hospital so I'll give you the first hand report sometime later this weekend...

Thank you for your prayers for my sister and the baby.

....BREAKING NEWS....

While in the process of publishing this post I got a call from my Mom at the hospital. The baby's name is Taylor (no middle name yet). She has medium brown hair and an unknown eye color (because she is very sleepy...)

Did I mention???

2005-06-02T11:01:00.000-04:00

That I share entirely too much? Because I do, so BE WARNED...

Also did I mention that I have officially, however briefly it may last - oh and have you noticed how cynical I have become about all of this lately? But where was I? - right, I have quite officially resumed my sex life. It is a very good thing.

So good, in fact, that I have just told the world about it.

I know; you are all thankful that it has finally happened and that now, finally please God, she will stop obsessing about the fact that she's not getting any and talk about something, anything else, because now she actually is. I think it's good that he's young, too - you know - frequency etc is not an issue...

Have I finally paid off any and all the bad sex karma I (apparently somehow) accumulated? Is it possible that my penance is now over?? Or am I being a little premature in my excitement? Believe it or not I am actually trying to maintain control over myself (so that whenever it does end I don't find myself going through withdraw)...

I hope in some drunken stupor I don't mention this site to him anytime soon. Wouldn't want him to think I'm just using him for sex...

Flash Back

2005-06-02T10:23:00.000-04:00

Weclome to my youth... I know, even then my musical taste was questionable...

A little Respect

i try to discover
a little something to make me sweeter
oh baby refrain from breaking my heart
i'm so in love with you
i'll be forever blue
that you gimme no reason
you know you make-a-me work so hard

that you gimme no
that you gimme no
that you gimme no
that you gimme no

sould, i hear you calling
oh baby please give a little respect to me

and if i should falter
would you open your arms out to me
we can make love not war
and live in peace with our hearts
i'm so in love with you
i'll be forever blue
what religion or reason
could make a man forsake his lover

don't you tell me no
don't you tell me no
don't you tell me no
don't you tell me no

soul, i hear you calling
oh baby please give a little respect to me

i'm so in love with you
i'll be forever blue
that you gimme no reason
you know you make-a-me work so hard

that you gimme no
that you gimme no
that you gimme no
that you gimme no

soul, i hear you calling
oh baby please give a little respect to me

soul, i hear you calling
oh baby please give a little respect to me

Insanity

2005-06-01T07:39:00.000-04:00

Did I mention before that the insanity was about to begin? Well, it has. I have slept maybe 10 hours in the past 2 nights. I don't have any hope of more in the near future... TOURNAMENT SEASON has arrived...

If you didn't know or couldn't remember, I referee women's lacrosse. All year long. Like seriously, we only have a short break starting the weekend after Thanksgiving until after New Year's. All. Year. Long.

And the summer is the worst.

Not for the quality or pay or any of that, just for the incredible amount of life that it sucks up and does not spit back out. That's because in addition to the time spent actually running on the field there is all this hidden background time spent scheduling. Everything. The Tuesday night league. The Wednesday night league. The 2, 1 day events this weekend which are small, only 10 officials Saturday and ~30 Sunday. Nothing. Piece of cake.

Then next weekend the 3 day long tournament at the beach. With 5 fields running ALL DAY from 8am - 11pm. Yes, 11pm. That is not a type-o. The logistics of constantly working 10 people at a time, with a water break or two thrown in, plus their room accommodations is nightmare to say the least. And we don't even have a schedule yet. Do you know how difficult it is to get some adults to commit to something when you can't exactly guarantee them what they're committing to???

The weekend after that is a nice 2 day tournament in Medford, NJ. Competitive. As in, there are score cards and winners and losers. People get a little tense when there are losers because they don't want to be one. Oops. It's like they don't want to accept that the reality that having one winner means there are a whole heck of a lot more losers and the probability of them being the one winner is not very high.

It can get tense to say the least.

So, in addition to making sure there are compatible bodies - because yes, referees are people and some people don't like or get along with other people and a cranky referee is not a nice thing to see - we have to make sure there are competent bodies on the field as well. And when we schedule this tournament we are totally out of area. And we don't have any rooms to offer people.

Either they come from here to a room at their own expense, they come for only one day, or they don't come at all. And the people in the Medford NJ area don't really know us. And we don't really know them. If we happen to get an e-mail and a positive response you're never sure what you're going to get in terms of competency; IF they show at all. By if I mean there have been years where a whole slew of people said they would then decided just not to come. I guess they found something good on the TV or something...

If you're keeping track that is 3 weekends in a row of tournaments. In June. I can't even let myself think about July yet. We currently JUST received the schedules for the first weekend. Last night I left my Mom's after 9. I had 2 martinis before I was calm enough to even consider going to bed. I am so going to be living without sleep because I don't think I could afford all that alcohol. Maybe I should quit my day job and open a liquor store?

When and if you do call and talk to me this summer please remember - whatever I say is under the influence of too little sleep and at least 1 martini...

No Baby Yet

2005-05-31T15:04:00.000-04:00

So she's still not here yet. It's ok really because this was a holiday weekend and it would have been crazy, but my sister is so ready for her to come out and now she's officially 1 day late.

I'm happy because that's actually consistent with my family - to be late - so maybe this baby will look like my sister!

All else is going well here. The weekend was Fan-FUCKING-tastic - details will follow as the week wears on; time permitting... For now just know that I think I may have been denying myself some fun in the past not dating Fraternity boys!

Almost here...

2005-05-28T08:43:00.000-04:00

It's too exciting! The BABY - my new niece - is almost here! Can you stand it? Because honestly I almost can't. She is due Monday so last night my sister and BIL came to stay at my parents to be on the right side of the bridge. Partly because her Braxton-Hicks contractions (a.k.a. false labor contractions) were only 6 minutes apart. That didn't happen with the last baby. And partly because that's when all of the idiots would be coming home from the beach causing an insane back up to come over to the west side...

Anyway, so that's all for now. I just wanted to share the news and excitement! Of course, with all this preparation the baby may just wait a few weeks to make her entrance - be fashionably late and all...

Happiness is...

2005-05-26T19:53:00.000-04:00

A NEW HAIR CUT!!!

(more to come later, I'm sure, but that's all for now - I am still sick and trying to be better for the weekend... hope you all ave fun... and RESPOND to storytimewithmyass.com)

Silver Lining

2005-05-26T08:21:00.000-04:00

I am officially sick.

I have been to the doctors (with a stupid $15 co-pay I might add) and I have a "get out of jail free" note. It makes me feel so juvenile I hate it, but whatever because I have it. I am legally able to be out of work 2-3 days "depending on fever".

Well guess what, fever or no I am so not going in on Friday. It's the Navy graduation, plus Friday before a long weekend - do you think I'm that crazy that I would sit in that sort of traffic when I'm healthy? Let alone recovering from a cold? I don't think so. I had originally planned to take a half day to beat most of the traffic. Now it's a whole day and that really is so much better.

I am banned from speaking except in extreme need and I am taking Motrin to control the fever and pain. To be honest, when I woke up this morning the only thing that hurt was my throat. My head is fine. No more throbbing when I stand up or sit down and that is very good. I also didn't have a fever.

I am hoping to be mostly better by Saturday because I have plans... but that is something to discuss at another time. Just know yes, he is young and yes, he is the boy from the fraternity. It's going to be fun, ok?

I am also planning to GET MY HAIR CUT. How long have I been saying that? I don't know but I'm totally serious. It's getting annoying.

So yesterday my Mom took me to the doctor (I was concerned about driving because my head hurt THAT BAD). After we went shopping and out for lunch. Don't you know that shopping makes everything better? It's a well known fact in my family and we went with it. I picked up 2 shirts from Old Navy for $4.14. The beauty of the bargain is what made the fever go away. I also picked up some Bath & Body Works soap & lotion (you can never have too many and they make great gifts).

We got home and I took a long nap, then after dinner I went home to watch Idol. I don't know what my reaction is to the decision. I have so many opinions about this season it's probably not worth getting into. All I'll say is that I still think Nadia shouldn't have been cut as early as she was... if at all...

Sick :-(

2005-05-25T07:23:00.000-04:00

Recently I decided that my body is getting out of control. I was eating like crap and not exercising. Refereeing doesn't really help to keep you in shape - it does is keep you off the couch for a little while which helps - but it's not the same. I committed myself to a minimum of 30 min cardio per day (walking, running, biking, rowing, etc) plus I am only eating things that are as close to their natural state as possible; good bye processed food. It can be grilled, baked, broiled or steamed. Oh, and only 1 can of soda a day.

Started this all Monday and felt good.

Woke up Tuesday and my throat hurt, glands were swollen, my entire body ached and I had the most raging headache you can imagine. I blamed the throat on sleeping with the fan on and the aches on finally getting my butt back to the gym. The headache was of course in reaction to the lack of caffeine... or so I thought.

I went to work and did my best to get through the day. I had chills off and on all afternoon and even after my soda the headache wasn't going away. Luckily I had gotten in at 7 so when 330 finally rolled around I was out of there.

Went to my Mom's and she thought I felt warm and guess what? I was. 101 to be exact. I am going to the doctor today around lunch for some tests...

The only silver lining I can see in this situation is that it's only Wednesday which means that there is still a good chance that I will be "all better" for this lovely holiday weekend...

a few song lines that are good

2005-05-23T13:11:00.000-04:00

(do you know where they're from???)

Can't you see that it's just raining; ain't no need to go outside

But lord knows that this world is cruel; and I ain't the lord no I'm just a fool; learning loving somebody don't make them love you (I could go on because I love this song - and artist - but I don't feel like typing it all in)

I'm gonna f* it up again; I'm gonna do it on purpose (such a great song - completely identify)

spin on a whim, slide to the right; I felt you like electric light

just when you think she's yours, she's flown to other shores (or something like that)

there is freedom within, there is freedom without; trying to catch the deluge in a paper cup

That's all for now because I am at work and really should do that rather than think of song lyrics but these ideas are why I love these songs sooooo much I just had to share... probably will be more to come later, too!

Boring

2005-05-20T09:27:00.000-04:00

That's me of late. So sorry about that.

I did a lacrosse game Monday and Wednesday and I have, on slate at least, 4 tomorrow. The first 3 are just rec league games (yay $90 cash!) and the last is a state semi-final (because you know I am just sooo special). Then 2 rec games (again, yay $60 cash!) on Sunday.

That's it. Sooo dull.

Maybe going out Saturday after my game, not sure to do what though. Tonight is the NCAA's at the Academy (I believe) and if it's not bad I'm going to go and stir a little trouble - that's always fun.

I'm going to blame the weather.

Hope y'all are doing well.

What is the world coming to?

2005-05-18T09:01:00.000-04:00

I went out with a "frat boy" last night.

Yes, you can blame me if hell freezes over and there is a blizzard that dumps 10' of snow in the middle of summer.

The important thing is that I HAD FUN.

That's all for now. I just wanted to warn you in case you started seeing any signs of the apocalypse... carry on.

Vanity

2005-05-17T11:31:00.000-04:00

Can you even stand the vanity of me?

"It is the sin to which the great and gifted are most susceptible"

As if I were so great or gifted to be susceptible to something so definable... it's laughable. I need to quit with the self diagnosis and seek professional help... the question is, who is a professional in the type of help that I need???

(And do you know what? It's the expression of exactly these sort of thoughts that I believe may run most people away and out of my life... as if I would hold them to the same sort of scrupulous judgement that I hold myself...)

Hubris

2005-05-16T14:10:00.000-04:00

As defined, at least in part, by the Encyclopedia Britannica (online of course)...

"Also spelled hybris, in classical Greek ethical and religious thought, overweening presumption suggesting impious disregard of the limits governing human action in an orderly universe. It is the sin to which the great and gifted are most susceptible, and in Greek tragedy it is usually the hero's tragic flaw…"

I learned of this word and concept in my Shakespeare class in college. My teacher - he was not a professor - but one of the more favored grad students who was given his own class - was obsessed with it. We spent the entire semester studying his tragedies, which are all very good, and analyzing what we felt was the main character's hubris. It was fascinating. Somewhat depressing as well, but that's sort of the point of a tragedy, right?

Now I know that there is a contingency who argue that Will did not write everything that he is given credit for - and back in the day when I had the time and motivation - and when I surrounded myself with intelligent and thinking individuals who would actually be interested in talking about their thoughts on the subject - I actually read a lot about that suggestion. Of course, that was another lifetime ago but I wanted to acknowledge that before I moved on because it's a good argument. As far as this little entry is concerned he wrote them all, ok?

On another side note, my teacher had been screwing one of my sorority sisters - but that is a discussion for another day. Just know it ended before I started class so I had to be very careful and remember to not wear letters when I was going to see him - you know, in case there were any hard feelings...

So anyway - where was I? Oh, hubris. Ok, so I took that class 2nd semester freshman year (I think - my brain is not what it used to be). I didn't date much - I never had - in high school I was somewhat conservative with the level of physical intimacy I was willing to let happen so rather than have to deal with pressure to do something, I just didn't date. It was easy and didn't bother me much.

That winter I had run into an old friend who I had been really close with. He and I started dating and it was nice. I wasn't ready for as much as he was, and to be honest I was getting that weird tingly-in-a-bad-way feeling in the back of my mind. As summer came things just got weirder - like he never wanted to go out where people were. It was always intimate dinners, or movies, or other one-on-one activities. Now I know that I shouldn't complain and they are nice activities to do - but I also wanted to play pool, go to parties, hang out with him and others. He wasn't into it and just got more and more possessive. I wasn't even back from school and he was already talking about what we were going to do; how we were going to see each other; when I went back. IN AUGUST.

I don't know if you've picked up on it or not, but I'm so not into being possessed or controlled. Never have been. I'm just wired a little different to be so sensitive about it; I'd rather be alone then be with someone who doesn't let me be myself - however strange or sad myself may be. I broke things off with him which could be seen as either a very good, or bad, thing.

Good because for about 2 months I think he stalked the house. He would leave things by or on my car - books by an author I read, or flowers, or other little things. He never left anything written but come on, who else could it be? Imagine if we would have had a more intense, intimate relationship...

Bad because that set me up perfectly to enter the relationship with my X at the end of the summer. If you're really that interested I can get into it with you but I'm getting tired of droning on about that...

Between the ending of one and the beginning of the other I started thinking (yes, I know, I think TOO MUCH). I often mused the idea that I suffer a hubris. That my life is a tragedy and if only I could discover my personal fatal flaw I could change the course of my existance and end the sadness.

How melodramatic I know but the word/idea/concept has been entering my mind more and more lately and I am back to considering the possibility that it is an inherent truth of my life...

(And no, comments aren't necessary - I just wanted share my frame of mind so you all know where I am right now in case you were wondering...)